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Accuray #2202019 11/29/11 04:24 PM
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Thanks for your insights.

For him, I believe it is creating some warmer feelings in him. Now, do those feelings at all compare to what I imagine he has with OW? No, and I don't expect them to. But, I worry that if I am not warm and responsive to him...that may further prove that I'm not right for him and my desire will never match his.

For me, good question. I think I am okay. Partly because we aren't ML and he is being affectionate before and after. (If it felt purely like a physical release for him, I would feel differently). And, we are married...so it feels like we should be doing things. I think I also like knowing that he's "cheating" on OW with me. If he was completely dead towards me (like he was), that would be harder on my ego.

Now, he could be doing the affectionate stuff to try to stay in our house longer and string me along. I don't know. It seems like a risk I already have and I will not let him keep living like this for much longer.

At one point, I was debating doing more of the initiating and being a little crazier with him...but, I'm holding off on that. I don't want to seem desperate.

I guess I also believe that we may separate in January and he will be at about the six month mark of his A. If he starts to have issues with his A at that point, I'd like him to remember that I was sexually responsive. At a minimum, maybe what I've done already shows that there is a chance I can change and be there for him.

Thanks for listening, I'm having a hard time this week...I like being in control and I'm impatient...not a good combination for dealing with my sitch and DB-ing!


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Nblost #2202216 11/30/11 04:25 AM
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Actually, in my other thread (surprised no one has yelled at me yet)...I'm debating going more LRT on my H. He has really crushed me by planning a weekend trip with OW.

I think I have shown him a more passionate side of me and it may be the time now to show him that I have respect for myself and am not going to keep doing sexual things with him while he is pursuing OW. Maybe there's a way to say I'd like to be intimate with him, but I can't... I don't want to share him. I said that to him once before (after one of our interludes) and he held me close.

Frankly, I guess I'm not sure if he really wants me or desires me...it's not like he's making moves on me during the day. This could all be happening late at night just because he's horny for OW and she isn't around. The night he said, "I want you"...my sad first reaction was to ask, "Do you know it's me, your wife?" (I didn't and went along with the passion)

I'm in a funk tonight so maybe I'll change my mind...I guess the reality is I may be thinking things are working with H but he's in such a crazy place mentally...I may not really know what's going on with him.

My self esteem is actually pretty good...so don't think I'm feeling totally insecure. I think I need to try to see if H will miss me or have any second thoughts.

However, this all feels pretty impossible if H really likes the OW and things are still pretty new between them. Maybe I also need to detach to start preparing myself for the worst.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Nblost #2202261 11/30/11 12:34 PM
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Nblost,

Originally Posted By: nblost
Maybe I also need to detach to start preparing myself for the worst.


If H is openly having an affair and planning a weekend away with OW, then I would say the worst has arrived already.

If you've already shown him a more passionate side of yourself, and you're making non-sexual changes and demonstrating them through action, then I would say the time has come to detach until OW is gone.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray #2202315 11/30/11 04:30 PM
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What is insane is that every time I think things can't get worse...they do. I guess I just mean that I prepare myself for the fact that he'll likely be moving out and we'll need to actually deal with the ramifications of this on our kids, families, money, etc. Right now, it's horrible...but, if I really wanted to be in denial, I could pretend he is purely traveling for business and I could almost think things were fine. Almost everyone in our lives sees us as a married, happy family.

H has been telling me the thing he likes about OW is that they have more "intimate" conversations than we've ever had. As a woman, this has been chewing me up because intimate implies to me that they are sharing their deepest secrets and hopes for the future. However, I was reading some stuff last night about communication and I realized that I think my H may mean "sexual" when he says intimate. That would match the text msgs I saw on his phone and the fact that these intimate conversations started happening right away in the A. He's also been frustrated with me in the past because I define intimacy as broader and more emotional than he does.

He said in our one MC session (prior to me knowing about the A) that the most critical thing for him in a marriage is that every encounter every day be leading towards sex. When our MC pushed back on that a bit (hard to have every interaction laced with sexiness when you have three kids, two full-time jobs, etc)...H retracted. But, I think that was a clue to what he was feeling with OW.

I can believe that is hard for a SS husband to give up...

Optimistically though, I don't think the crazy sex can last forever (H has always believed it can)...I have a feeling it wouldn't take much for my H to feel a letdown with her. But, I don't know and maybe with an A...it's easier to keep that kind of stuff alive. I would hope that at some point, he starts coming across as too pushy about sex...I know he did with me. The bad news is, he's probably told OW that I was LD (she may be venting the same stuff about her ex) so she may know that's her key area to shine.

Anyway, back to my detaching with a positive attitude!


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Nblost #2202354 11/30/11 06:54 PM
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Ugh, that is hard. It's hard to believe that he really things that every encounter should lead to sex. It seems perhaps that his feelings of rejection have elevated sex to an unnatural level of importance. I know that happens to me too. I liked Michelle's approach in the SSM book -- whenever her H asked for sex he got it. She went way overboard on the frequency. This effectively made it a non-issue and before long the requests were fewer and far between, because the security was there knowing that when he wanted it, it wouldn't be a fight to get it.

If you believe that H is in this "hypersex" mode because of a history of SSM, then I agree it will likely run it's course. Once you get the amount of sex you *think* you want, it can become less special and therefore less desireable. The push / pull dynamics of wanting sex and having it denied I believe elevate the importance.

I don't know if there's much you can do with that other than count on the fact that the A will eventually run its course. If it's only based on sex, it's bound to.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray #2202370 11/30/11 08:00 PM
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I think historically, he's been more of the opinion that sex should be in a compartment (which I think is more typical and very realistic for many men). We can have a crappy day filled with stress..but when we get in bed..we have great sex to recover. That was always hard for me...I'd get in bed exhausted.

I think the "every interaction needs to be sexual" may have come up because he had just gotten into the affair and I bet that's how the affair was. (and at the point he said that, he was about 1 week into it). Doesn't really matter but I guess I pin some hope on the overwhelming sexual side fading at some point.

I agree too...maybe the sex piece will become less important and some aspects of the marriage will come into focus...hard to know. I do think the SSM and the lack of closeness we'd had before his A would have made this affair a huge addiction.

Anyway, I think it helps me to view the relationship as primarily sexual to keep a somewhat hopeful attitude (which just means I can do the LRT more easily).

But, who knows...


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Accuray #2202372 11/30/11 08:03 PM
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N,

You have so many factors at play in an affair and the "courtship" that are new and have no comparison to a "Old" relationship. I firmly believe that when you were courting your husband that there was a fair amount of intimate conversations? Those conversations slow down over time because the other person already knows. Now if you were to start again with a new man, I bet you would have tons of intimate convo's.....it is a natural courting thing. Of course today with IM, website boards, Emails, text, video texts, cell phone pic's. etc...It is so much easier to have those conversations and flirt. The truth is though, they eventually will slow down. Honestly...how many times a day would you want to here "I want to suck you ****"? It would end up being generally boring as heck to me.

So somewhere a balance needs to be found in any relationship to keep it from getting boring, but at the same time not letting it control your thoughts so that every interaction leads to sex. Right now I think your husband seems to have unrealistic expectations of a sexual life. Why? Probably because he feels how things are with the OW are how things should be. But you know the truth N....it is just a hormonic high that will fade faster than Milli Vinili.

Don't worry about the hot sex...it will go away. As my wife told me about her last affair "The sex was incredible at first...by far the best I had ever had. The guy really knew what he was doing. In the end though...I was thinking..enough already! I am tired and want to go to sleep".

So in conclusion...patience and time are your friend. Work on yourself and don't...repeat...DON'T try to compete with the OW. You are worth more than that.


"Be the changes you want to see in the world"
Nblost #2202373 11/30/11 08:05 PM
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Oh, and also, I'm not sure H still gets as much sex as he'd want. He is in OW's city about 5 days a week but she has custody of her kids at least half of the time...so I am guessing they can't get together as much as he'd like. H made a side comment to me last weekend that he doesn't just get to date and see her all the time when he's gone.

(I had a momentary lashing out at him over how much more fun his life is than mine even though he claims he is really struggling)

I seriously don't get how the A is really that hard for the cheating spouse. I really don't. I can see breaking off the A is hard or getting a D...but I don't really see what is eating him up so much right now while he's cake eating.

If it's guilt, then make a freaking decision and move on...

UGH!!!


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Nblost #2202380 11/30/11 08:36 PM
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It isn't the affair....it is his mindset. He is in "it is all about me" world. So if everything isn't about him....then it [censored]. You will see that a lot over on the MLC board. Everything is about them....hence the reason for detaching is so important. I remember once getting torn to pieces because I took the kids to a fast food joint for lunch. How there wasn't enough money for such things...yet she was spending $400-500 a month going out bar hopping. It is all about them and you have to find space between the selfishness they spew and what you desire to accomplish.


"Be the changes you want to see in the world"
Lostforwords #2202393 11/30/11 09:00 PM
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Thanks lostforwords,
I definitely need to continue to detach and just hope for the best. Also, interesting to hear your wife's perspective on the sex...I am hoping OW starts to feel that way.

H has also let himself slide a bit in terms of eating healthy/exercising. Might be a bad sign for me if he's getting more comfortable with her, but I'm hoping it's a sign the hormones are settling down a bit. He was really amped up when the A first started.

At first, my IC told me to compete with OW (she thought my H might see the light quickly)..but we moved to LRT pretty fast once that didn't work and she could see H was pretty entrenched. (By competing, she really mostly meant to GAL and dress well...which I am still doing...but it was also the mindset...which I've now dropped)

Yes, selfish is the key word. What's also somewhat comforting to me in that if he was truly in a genuine, loving, mature relationship...I don't believe he'd be acting how he is acting. He'd end our marriage, be extra supportive of the kids, work with me on co-parenting...all while trusting OW would be waiting for him to be free to love her.

I don't really buy into MLC for my H--I think his actions are more driven by our marital issues and the A.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
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