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Just don't understand... #2184715
09/08/11 10:11 PM
09/08/11 10:11 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
T
tjb54 Offline OP
Member
tjb54  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
Hello all,

Been following for a little over a month now and I believe it time to ask for help.

July 18th - W needs time to think.
August 25th - Asks for a divorce.

I've been keeping a journal somewhat using wordpad and I'll just post them up.

I love my wife and kids more I've ever realised...!


Me:38 W:35
T:13 M:10 (3/15/01)
SD:12 D:9 S:4
Need time to think: 7/19/11
D Bomb Dropped: 8/26/11
W serves me D papers: 9/6/11
Officially served 9/30/11
Re: Just don't understand... [Re: tjb54] #2184749
09/08/11 11:57 PM
09/08/11 11:57 PM
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 226
Pittsburgh
S
soccerwife Offline
Member
soccerwife  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 226
Pittsburgh
So sorry you are here, but you have come to the right place. I recommend you post as much about your situation as possible so that everyone understands your story and can help you with what you need.

There are some really great, caring people here. They literally saved my life on numerous occasions over the last few months. I have made great strides in my Marriage and personal character primarily due to this forum.

Hang in there and keep posting.


Me: 32/ H: 32/ S13/ D5
T: 15/ M: 8
Rock bottom: 4/11
ILYB: 5/11, but I knew it at least a yr before
Gaining acceptance: 8/11

You must be the change you wish to see. - Mahatma Gandhi
Re: Just don't understand... [Re: soccerwife] #2184753
09/09/11 12:13 AM
09/09/11 12:13 AM
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,949
Wisconsin
~
~乃G才 Offline
Member
~乃G才  Offline
Member
~
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,949
Wisconsin
You have come to the right place. Keep posting and we'll be here.


"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack."
了ormerly DelinquentGurl
Re: Just don't understand... [Re: ~乃G才] #2184796
09/09/11 01:59 AM
09/09/11 01:59 AM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
T
tjb54 Offline OP
Member
tjb54  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
Awesome!! If nothing else, I just need to get this out.
Warning: I'm not much of a writer, so please bare with me. smile

Marriage blowout, the awaking...

-July 18th:
Denied (sex) - As usuall I got upset. As I walked away, she says, "Really?". I angerly retort, "I guess 2 times a month is enough for you!!" Then head to bed pissed. What happened to, 'never go to bed angry?'

Unknown to me earlier that afternoon she text a close friend of hers...
"H just called. Coming home from work acting as nothing is wrong. Let see how he acts when he's denied yet again... lol"

A preemptive denial??? Really? Purpose?

-July 19th:
Had the talk. Says she needs time to think about our marriage, relationship, what she wants, what she needs?

Her - Major complaints pointed out to me.

~1. "You get mad when your hungry and you get mad when your denied sex. You take it out on me and the kids and that's not right."

Entirely true and boy do I feel like an ass. To tell you the truth, I kind wish we would've had this blowout years ago. Would've rather changed then and saved everyone years of my torment. Holly crap! Just how shitty can one feel about themselves knowing they've hurt the ones they love the most.

~2. You're turning into your father. (unpleasant to even think about) A definate stomach turner!

~3. She likes going out with friends. (I've no problem with that) Does she feel guilty of that?

~4. States that I'm anti-social.

Not entirely true. I'm content with being a homebody. I still love going out with my wife. It seems though that that opportunity rarely happens though. I sense that she prefers my absence. Like she doesn't have to 'act' a certain way or answer to anyone when I'm around. I don't know. I love my wife and kids. As far as I am/was concered, I married my bestfriend! She enjoys going out, It'd be nice to know that she'd like me there with her though.

~5. Sex - Say she gives & give and receives nothing in return.

She's got a too do list a mile long. In all fairness, she's right. I should've been working on them one at a time, but saw them as one large depressing pile that showed no end in sight. In retrospect, I felt as that's all I did, 'work'. It's exhausting! I use to look forward to the weekends. As of recent years though, the workdays never seemed to end. What is the weekend anymore? No time to deflate. So it seemed anyway. Yeah, yeah. Pity party time. Last week it was suggested to me that fixing, repairing, anything laborous might be her 'love language'. Looking back, that kind of makes sense to me.

I honestly believe that she has no clue at all what sex means to me. To her I believe that she just thinks it's just a act that means nothing to me except to climax. To me it's the "ONLY" way that allows me to feel connected to her emotionally and physically. We're not hand holder, snugglers, cuddlers, or any other kind of physical affection. I take some of that back. We kiss each other 'goodnight' and tell each other "I love you". The physical act gives me the feeling that I'm one with my wife. There is no greater feeling knowing that she allows me to love her in that way... Now to find out that it was a 'chore' and not desired was a slash to my heart. Yet another failing act placed upon myself. How could I have been so blind? Yet, how can she not understand either?

Another thought. Why would she tell her friends and family that I was opposed to counseling? When we had the initial talk I strongly suggested seeing a Counselor. Quote: "If your feeling all these things and everything is as bad as it is, then we need to see a counselor asap! We need to nip this in the bud now." She tells me that she just needs time to figure things out.

- July 29th:

W planned and had a party on the night of my leaving. Mostly classmate of hers.

Class Reunion on the 30th followed by a camping trip in Wisconsin with D9 & B4. SD12 declined camping as she has not seen her bio dad as of 8/1. I totally understand. 8/2 left for Wisconsin. Fished, canoed, played on the Jetski and brother took the kids tubing.

Worst 9 days of my life!!! Had dropped 15 pounds due to depression. Actually, as I write this I believe I have severe depression!! 8/23 Down 20 pounds at the moment.

I'm fearing there is OM in the picture. Maybe not a physical affair as of yet, but W definately had an EO. What's the difference??? A little history on this OM. This past summer Duke our 26 year old horse threw a shoe and my W called a ferrier. SP? A horse shoe guy. OM turns out to be a tall nice looking guy, 26 yrs old and divorced. W made several comments to several of her friends and family that he was good looking. Nice eye candy she says. OM is tearing down one of the old building to use the materials. When he comes over to the farm my wife always goes over to chit-chat. For extended periods of time. Anyway, I find out that after out blowout on the 18th. W has been talking with him about our marriage problems and what not. W did not inform me of this till I came back home with the kids on the 7th. Only after I was messing with her phone that was drying because some jackass tossed my W in our pool at her party on the 29th of July. It had been drying in a bag of rice for a week or so. Anyway, I get it working and there are 14 text on the phone. Her last text sent which was the first I viewed said. "I want OM here now!" At that moment I had a panic attack. I've never had one before but I'm pretty damn sure that's what it was. Couldn't think straight, walk straight or anything. W was sitting a short bit away and was saying something. All I heard was waa waa waa. Like a damn Peanuts cartoon. Heart beating 100x a second it felt like. Felt like someone was slashing at my heart. That's exactly what happened at that moment. Carla broke my heart along with my trust at that very moment. W fessed up and said that, yes she had been talking to him about us, but that it was only in a friends only way. Says she was looking for advice. Says she figured that he was a young guy with high testosterones that she could get insight on my high sex drive. What a load of BS!! Says talking to him is like talking to me when we first married. GREAT!! Talk to someone who has the same personality as the man you fell in love with. I asked if he came over when the family and I were gone. She says no. I asked did you invite him and she says 'yes', but he refused. Am I crazy for thinking what I'm thinking? She saying all this in a very calm almost monotone voice. Like she's either trying to calm me or thinking I might explode?

Anyway, when I came home from work the next day she comes outside to the car. Tries to reinforce that the ferrier is just a friend and nothing more. Tells me that she thought about it all day and can see why I would be bothered by this. Says that if I want, she'll just talk to him on a strictly business level. I told her, "You do what you think is right" and left it at that. During that conversation I stated that I never ever tried to pick your friends. She said that no one will tell her who she can and cannot be friends with. Not in an angry way, just in a matter of fact way. Anyway, as far as I know (8/23) she has upheld her word. Food for thought. Physical attraction + Emotional attraction = ?????????? How does that saying go? A woman will always admit to a smaller offense in order to hide a larger one. frown

I'm done thinking about this affair/OM situation. It's not pro anything. Would've been nice to hear an "I'm sorry" though. Hell, she doesn't even consider it an OA, or maybe she does...


Me:38 W:35
T:13 M:10 (3/15/01)
SD:12 D:9 S:4
Need time to think: 7/19/11
D Bomb Dropped: 8/26/11
W serves me D papers: 9/6/11
Officially served 9/30/11
Re: Just don't understand... [Re: ~乃G才] #2184811
09/09/11 02:37 AM
09/09/11 02:37 AM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
T
tjb54 Offline OP
Member
tjb54  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
Would a mod please delete my previous post. Apparently I'm bad at editing. There are names I would like to delete. Sorry people.


Me:38 W:35
T:13 M:10 (3/15/01)
SD:12 D:9 S:4
Need time to think: 7/19/11
D Bomb Dropped: 8/26/11
W serves me D papers: 9/6/11
Officially served 9/30/11
Re: Just don't understand... [Re: tjb54] #2184827
09/09/11 03:28 AM
09/09/11 03:28 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
Member
25yearsmlc  Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
Originally Posted By: tjb54
Hello all,

Been following for a little over a month now and I believe it time to ask for help.

July 18th - W needs time to think.
August 25th - Asks for a divorce.

I've been keeping a journal somewhat using wordpad and I'll just post them up.

I love my wife and kids more I've ever realised...!


TJ,

Welcome to a great place to come for a terrible reason.

First, if you learn about the approach to relationships this place espouses, your life will get better regardless of what happens in your marriage. YOU will become a better man for it. That matters.

Second, re: the realization you have had about your familial love, it's great that you have had this realization. Now,

RETAIN IT...

and post here under the same thread if you can b/c it's much easier for us to find you when you are in one place.

You can reply to others on theirs of course, but for your own story, stick around so we can follow along.

Also, fyi, I find it much easier to read if a writer posts in short-ish paragraphs. Your post was short but the long ones get too hard to read If it's all one long long narrative/paragraph.

YES couples can and do make it through marital crises.

Tell us how long you've been married, WHY she SAYS she wants out &

what you believe is valid about her complaints and what

YOU are doing to work on YOU...

YOU are all you are in control of here. Don't forget that.

A lot of LBSers (Left Behind Spouses) get bogged down in the "WHY WHY??" and try to fix or change the Walk Away Spouse (WAS)

AND OR they obsess nonstop about what the WAS is doing/feeling/thinking/planning and of course, "WHY???"

Don't bother.


Do not plead or try to convince her of the merits of marriage to you. She is not interested in hearing that and the more you challenge her choices,

the more you force her to defend them, which cements more too.

Have you read the divorce busting book(S)?


THIS IS CRUCIAL TO DO, ASAP...Ch 1 is online I think.

The 2nd one is better in my opinion b/c it doesn't spend as much time on why divorce is bad b/c I get it. I don't want a divorce.

Whereas the 2nd book, "Divorce Remedy" has more of the "how to fix this now" info.

This is a "solution based therapy" approach.

Divorce Busting is based on the simple but radical idea that we should do MORE of what helps the relationship

and none of, or less of, the things that hurt the marriage.


MANY MANY people talk about their past, their childhood issues, the trauma, the post traumatic stress and the hormones and the OTHER STUFF

that deserves attention, sometimes...

but this is NOT that place. This is about doing more of what works

and less/none of what does not work.


Tell us your story. You are not alone.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: Just don't understand... [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2184908
09/09/11 03:02 PM
09/09/11 03:02 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
T
tjb54 Offline OP
Member
tjb54  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
Marriage blowout, the awaking...

-July 18th:
Denied (sex) - As usuall I got upset. As I walked away, she says,

"Really?". I angerly retort, "I guess 2 times a month is enough for you!!"

Then head to bed pissed. What happened to, 'never go to bed angry?' Unknown to me earlier that afternoon she text a close friend of hers..
.
"H just called. Coming home from work acting as nothing is wrong. Let see how he acts when he's denied yet again... lol"

A preemptive denial??? Really? Purpose?

-July 19th:
Had the talk. Says she needs time to think about our marriage, relationship, what she wants, what she needs?

Her - Major complaints pointed out to me.

~1. "You get mad when your hungry and you get mad when your denied sex. You take it out on me and the kids and that's not right."
Entirely true and boy do I feel like an ass. To tell you the truth, I kind of wish we would've had this blowout years ago. Would've rather changed then and saved everyone years of my torment. Holly crap! Just how shitty can one feel about themselves knowing they've hurt the ones they love the most.

~2. You're turning into your father. (unpleasant to even think about) A definate stomach turner!

~3. She likes going out with friends. (I've no problem with that) Does she feel guilty of that?

~4. States that I'm anti-social.

Not entirely true. I'm content with being a homebody. I still love going out with my wife. It seems though that that opportunity rarely happens though. I sense that she prefers my absence. Like she doesn't have to 'act' a certain way or answer to anyone when I'm around. I don't know. I love my wife and kids. As far as I am/was concered, I married my best friend! She enjoys going out, It would've been nice to know that she'd like me there with her though.

~5. Sex - Say she gives & give and receives nothing in return.

She's got a too do list a mile long. In all fairness, she's right. I should've been working on them one at a time, but saw them as one large depressing pile that showed no end in sight. In retrospect, I felt as that's all I did, 'work'. It's exhausting! I use to look forward to the weekends. As of recent years though, the workdays never seemed to end. What is the weekend anymore? No time to deflate. So it seemed anyway. Yeah, yeah. Pity party time.

I honestly believe that she has no clue at all what sex means to me. To her I believe that she just thinks it's just a act that means nothing to me except to climax. To me it's the "ONLY" way that allows me to feel connected to her emotionally and physically. We're not hand holder, snugglers, cuddlers, or any other kind of physical affection. I take some of that back. We kiss each other 'goodnight' and tell each other "I love you". The physical act gives me the feeling that I'm one with my wife. There was no greater feeling knowing that she allows me to love her in that way... Now to find out that it was a 'chore' and not desired was a slash to my heart. Yet another failing act placed upon myself. How could I have been so blind? Yet, how can she not understand either?

Another thought. Why would she tell her friends and family that I was opposed to counseling? When we had the initial talk I strongly suggested seeing a Counselor. Quote: "If your feeling all these things and everything is as bad as it is, then we need to see a counselor asap! We need to nip this in the bud now." She tells me that she just needs time to figure things out.


Me:38 W:35
T:13 M:10 (3/15/01)
SD:12 D:9 S:4
Need time to think: 7/19/11
D Bomb Dropped: 8/26/11
W serves me D papers: 9/6/11
Officially served 9/30/11
Re: Just don't understand... [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2184983
09/09/11 07:35 PM
09/09/11 07:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
T
tjb54 Offline OP
Member
tjb54  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
Okay, how does this delay posting work?


Me:38 W:35
T:13 M:10 (3/15/01)
SD:12 D:9 S:4
Need time to think: 7/19/11
D Bomb Dropped: 8/26/11
W serves me D papers: 9/6/11
Officially served 9/30/11
Re: Just don't understand... [Re: tjb54] #2186923
09/16/11 09:14 PM
09/16/11 09:14 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
T
tjb54 Offline OP
Member
tjb54  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
Alright guys & gals. D seems inevitable. We've both have seen lawyers. She has one, I haven't committed to one yet. Been doing 180 since our initial talk mid July. No GAL as of yet cause of all the 180's. Basically been running around fixing things and currently remodeling the 3/4 bedroom bath. One of the main probs is that I'm a procrastinator. Knew it all long, just didn't realize the extent.

Anyway, seems like she if trying to fast track this D. We're still civil, and up to a this past Monday (4 days ago) she was sleeping on the couch, sometimes vise versa. There's still a 2 story wall of pillows between us. I enjoy this non the less.

We had another D talk about 3 days ago that she brought up and she teared up a bit. She thinks we should tell the kids asap. Been pushing this for about 3 weeks now. Not sure what to make of this. It's just a matter of time before I'll be moving out. Trying to purchase a house that'll close after the D. Really dislike the idea of getting an apartment. Plus, I really need a garage for all the crap I've got, or it's monthly storage cost to add to the moving bill.

Between talking to lawyers, realtors, and checking apartments. I feel like I'm sneeking around. Basically I am. frown Truth be told, I see myself in some sort of self preservation mode. Not sure if that's a healthy place to be either? I think I'm to the point that I need to get this D over with in 'hopes' that....?

Oh yeah, I have read the DR book and am lost as where/what I should be doing?


Me:38 W:35
T:13 M:10 (3/15/01)
SD:12 D:9 S:4
Need time to think: 7/19/11
D Bomb Dropped: 8/26/11
W serves me D papers: 9/6/11
Officially served 9/30/11
(NA) Re: Just don't understand... [Re: tjb54] #2187127
09/18/11 01:28 AM
09/18/11 01:28 AM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,157
D
dbmod Offline
Member
dbmod  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,157
^


dbmod
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