All I can say IP is try not to let the anger or any emotion for that matter, dictate your words and actions. I know it's tough, but you must get "outside" the emotions when making decisions. Minimize the reasons for him to just give up and leave, If that is your goal.
That sounds like very good advice, thank you, I am trying really hard to not show my anger - it is very tough though, you're right.
BTW What is your goal (or goals)?? You know, I can't answer this I really don't know, it has been almost 6 weeks now since this kicked off and I really don't know what my goal is. I still don't know how I feel (other than angry) and I'm wondering if this is normal. I can hardly bare to look H in the eye if I catch him looking at me and when I look at him I feel nothing, no sadness, no love, just emptiness and I'm starting to worry that this is it this time - maybe he's hurt me that little bit too much and wiped my love out - or maybe this is still normal feelings this far into the sitch???? I'd love to know - anyone? - should I still be feeling love for him if I want it to work or is it likely to be clouded by pain and anger? When he left 5 years ago it was so much different - I was so devastated and determined we'd stay together and this time I just feel empty and lost
The DB formula is simple. Stop whatever moves you further away from that goal and note what things seem to bring it closer towards you.
God Bless Pic.
this makes perfect sense - if only I knew what my goal is
You know, I can't answer this I really don't know, it has been almost 6 weeks now since this kicked off and I really don't know what my goal is. I still don't know how I feel (other than angry) and I'm wondering if this is normal. I can hardly bare to look H in the eye if I catch him looking at me and when I look at him I feel nothing, no sadness, no love, just emptiness and I'm starting to worry that this is it this time - maybe he's hurt me that little bit too much and wiped my love out - or maybe this is still normal feelings this far into the sitch???? I'd love to know - anyone? - should I still be feeling love for him if I want it to work or is it likely to be clouded by pain and anger? When he left 5 years ago it was so much different - I was so devastated and determined we'd stay together and this time I just feel empty and lost.
Just six weeks in everything you're feeling is normal. That's why I said - time, you need time. You need the time for the emotions to subside a bit and actually think about your goals. The emotions won't go away completely, but there'll be intervals, when you're not bombarded by them and these intervale will get longer and stronger - with time.
But I also wasn't aware this happened five years ago. When we fall victim to the same hurts a second time done by the same individual, that complicates matters. Twice as angry, twice as sad, twice as confused, second guessing ourselves, emotions get so clouded, it can even be numbing. You may think you feel nothing, but you know it's not the emotionally healthy norm is it?
You're going to have to fake it for a while - being in control that is, 'cause if you decide in the future that you want to try and save the M, you don't want to say or do something in the immediate that will screw that all up.
The advice I got at this stage, which helped me personally (and my XW was hell bent on leaving anyway) was to just "STFU". So I avoided confrontations about her A and R talk and I hung out with friends and comiserated a lot but also backslid a lot. Sooner or later, our psyches just can't take any more and the emotional spigot turns off. Trust me, these feelings won't go on indefinately.
Your first goal should be to get to that peaceful place, where you can think and decide what you want. Heal yourself first; worry about the relationship later.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I was SO stupid last night. I snooped and found "ILY" to OP in her texts. I am beyond crushed. Of course had a Relationship talk and bombed everything. I really hope I didn't screw all the dbing I've been doing up too badly.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Thanks IAP, it helps to know what I'm feeling is normal at this stage.
Yes, I have been in a similar situation before, my H left about 5 years ago and was talking to this same W a lot for the 4 months he wasn't with me but always denied anything happened. I DB'd and he came home after 4 months. Now, all this time later I have found this letter and all these emails to this same W - I feel like the last 5 years have all been a lie.
OK so, I probably shouldn't have but I found OW's email address and after a long time trying to decide what to do with it I sent her a short email saying that I'd found emails between her and my H and would appreciate hearing her version of what the nature of their relationship is. After four days I was kind of thinking what an idiot I'd been and that she wouldn't reply - well she has!!! This is what she has said:
"I'm not really sure what to say. The truth is we talked a lot. We met when I was on shift with him and he was a good listener. I'm not going to insult your intelligence and say there was nothing more to it, we talked about stuff that we probably should've been talking to our respective partners about. If we had both been single I think it would've gone further but we were'nt and it didn't, I couldn't drag my little girl into a situation like that. After I left the shift it went to texting and emailing just to keep in touch then it was a text at birthdays etc. I haven't heard from him since before Christmas I think. I'll be honest and tell you that I did try to text him to ask what was going on but I think he has either changed his number or blocked mine, but I'm assuming you already know that. I'm not sure if apologising will help, but I am sorry for everything."
If this was the same OW as five years ago, and what she said is true (It went no further) it may be that your H has some infatuation with a fantasy (forbidden fruit, so close and yet so far).
Be very careful. You need to be in control of yourself. That is why I said heal yourself first.
It is a good sign if he blocked her text. That's a positive that he may be serious about the M. Are you?
Don't let him find out you've been in contact with OW. He'll turn that into a trust/privacy issue for sure.
If you decide for saving the M, is he open to MC or Retrouvaille? You're going to need something IMO to help the two of you work things out.
Once you detach from the emotions and get in control, it is easier for you to become the infatuation. If he wants back, you hold all the cards. Play them close to the vest.
God, I'm rambling! Correct me of I'm wrong anybody.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
No, IAP, I feel you are right. IP, I agree to not mention ow email. That was pretty bold of you, though, and something many of us have felt like doing, but knew better
This is what he's said all along, that he just wrote this letter in a drunken fit of being angry as we'd fallen out and that he aimed it all about her as he's been talking to her and he just thought for that moment how it would be if he had done things with her or wanted to be with her. He says he got up the next day and deleted it all and that was that.
I'm probably doing all this wrong but as I'm the one deciding if I want to work on things not H who's had the EA/PA I do feel confused which bits of DB I should follow, so in actual fact H knows I intended to contact her because I didn't want to make things worse by doing so so I asked him if he would be OK with me doing so. He said he didn't want to have anything to do with it so that I couldn't then say she'd said things because of his wording etc so he doesn't know what I wrote or that she has replied.
We are seeing a MC for the first time on Friday - I gave up waiting for him to book it and just booked one myself.
I'm not sure how I feel now - I'm still in shock that she replied - she seems to confirm some things he's said for example that he hasn't spoken to her in any way since Christmas and that he hasn't been in contact since changing his number.
Honestly, to me, she sounded like it was more of an EA, than a PA. And that she didn't take it as seriously as he did. I am sure you probably shouldn't have done it, but you did, and now you have some answers straight from the horses mouth, so to speak. She could have lied, but I don't know, most ow don't apologize, but are very bold and brazen about their A's with someone else's H. What did your H say about the upcoming MC appointment? Is he willing to go, or are you having to drag him kicking and screaming? What part of England are you in? I like to get on google maps and explore different areas. I was able to find the exact house where my parents lived in California before any of us kids were born, when Daddy was stationed there in the Navy, and Mama was a lifeguard there. And they were only about 19 years old, and newly married. I like the Time's Square video cam, too. People are very interesting. Don't let it worry you about contacting ow. If ow is telling the truth, your H may never know, but if it a lie and your H says something to you, you will know there is more contact between them. So, the response or lack of response to this may be very telling. vc
I really don't know, it has been almost 6 weeks now since this kicked off and I really don't know what my goal is. I still don't know how I feel (other than angry) and I'm wondering if this is normal. I can hardly bare to look H in the eye if I catch him looking at me and when I look at him I feel nothing, no sadness, no love, just emptiness and I'm starting to worry that this is it this time - maybe he's hurt me that little bit too much and wiped my love out - or maybe this is still normal feelings this far into the sitch???? I'd love to know - anyone? - should I still be feeling love for him if I want it to work or is it likely to be clouded by pain and anger? When he left 5 years ago it was so much different - I was so devastated and determined we'd stay together and this time I just feel empty and lost 
this makes perfect sense - if only I knew what my goal is 
and something many of us have felt like doing, but knew better
do you think I shouldn't have VC???
so to speak. She could have lied, but I don't know, most ow don't apologize, but are very bold and brazen about their A's with someone else's H. 