I did not even realize it but yesterday, August 25, 2011 marked 2 years to the date that I kicked my W out of the house in a fit of rage, anger and frustration. The cops came as I was throwing her clothes in trashbags out the front door onto the front lawn. What a scene it was!!!!
I found myself on the rollercoaster of emotions after the bomb drop and the discovery of her affair just 2 months prior and her statement that our marriage was over sent me over the edge.
When I look back at that time, I can remember the emotions and the events and the words spoken as if they were yesterday. However they are far behind me and I am a totally different person today.
I no longer mark the anniversary of her meeting the OM, the date of her PA, the date of the bomb, the date I found out about the affair......none of it......my life is too busy and too full of other things that matter to ME now.
For those who don't know, I filed for divorce and it became final on February 11, 2011. I stood for my marriage for a long time........
This morning, I was leaving for work and realized I had not checked the mail from yesterday.
In the mailbox was two hand addressed letters.
One addressed to ME, the other addressed to my D14.
(D14 does not see, nor talk, nor has any communication with her mother. My D14 has had her share of struggles with all this. She is on AD's and sleeping pills, and goes to a Therapist every other week, and spent 10 days in the hospital recently for thoughts of suicide.......My D14 is actually doing very well considering all she has been through.)
I sat in my car this morning and openned my letter........
MHL,
I am truly sorry.
I made some really bad decisions not realizing what the cost was going to be.
I honestly was not in my right mind.
I never intended to hurt anybody, and I know I did.
If I could take it all back I would. I never intended to tear the family apart.
With all my heart.
XW
As I read in so many threads here I see that we the LBS's always wonder if the MLCer/WAS realizes what they did. I would say that it is the one question that really gets to the crux of the matter.
"DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU DID OR ARE DOING????"
I will say that was the question I had and still had unanswered until this morning. It is the one question my D14 has too.
I can tell you that I have envisioned what that moment might look like when my XW would "wake up" one day. I accepted that it may never happen, and I was okay with it.
It came today, and it was not as I had thought it would be.....and more importantly it did not stir the emotion in me that I thought that it would have if it ever came.
I guess I had let go of the "expectation" that one day she would communicate to me that she "got it". I guess when I let go of that I was able to let go of the "shell of a marriage" I was holding onto.
My life is Happy now. I try daily to make myself a better MAN, FATHER and FRIEND. I do not feel that I am missing anything, I don't feel like a victim, I don't feel sad for what has happened.........it happened and I am dealing with it just as I deal with anything else in my life.
I have learned to press forward in my life and live with the things that I cannot change......I accept those things that I have no control over and deal with them accordingly.
One of the things I cannot change in my LIFE is........
I LOVE MY XW.
Always will............I accept it.
I am not ruled by my Love for my W just as I am not ruled by my anger either.
Actions taken out of emotions without thought are usually not good and often times can be destructive.........
even if those emotions are emotions of LOVE.
This is how we can get ourselves into codependent relationships.
I was talking to a close friend from the boards, just 2 days ago about how I interact with my XW.
I don’t act true to myself when I interact with my XW. I am a very friendly person, I will pretty much talk to the wall……THAT IS WHO I AM.
When I interact with my XW I am cordial and nice but I do not initiate small talk……I will respond to idle chit chat but I do not start it…..also I really don’t look at her in the face that much. I will do things for her that I would do for any other friend but I just am not “friendly” with her.
The reason I do this is not to get a reaction out of her but rather to protect me.
I have put my Love for her in a box down inside. I know it is there and I do not mess with it. I have managed to carry on my life and even have found that I can love someone else while I still have this box of love for my XW down inside me.
I accept it, and I have learned to live with it.
Part of living with it is not disturbing the box…….as I told my friend I do not want to stir any of the feelings for my XW…….I know there is pain there and I have learned to stay away from that pain.
I have touched the stove too many times…….I know better.
The way I act with my XW now is as automatic as breathing, I do not control it. The way I interact with her is an automatic response.
The reason for all that explaination is that I am not sure how I want to respond to her apology, which is still somewhat self-serving IMO.
I want to acknowledge that she sent it, I want to thank her for it and acknowledge that it was probably hard for her to do. At minimum I think that will be my response……..I am interested in what others may have to say.
The thing I am pondering is do I go a little further……..do I engage her……meaning do I ask her “what was it that brought her to this”.
Do I want to hear that?
Do I want to lower the wall?
I am so used to the way I interact with her that to do otherwise would be “un-natural” at this point…….I feel I may risk pain for myself. I have gotten real good at protecting myself.
I will take my time on this for sure.
Thanks.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
MHL, Powerful and moving. Please act with extreme caution. My xh has done this. BUT I have learned it is actions not words that indicate their real sincerity.
My xh has said the words, but then went back to MLC behaviours. I let my guard down and get hurt badly again, after being like you, and having no expectatons, And second time hurt too.
It may be genuine and permanent, and it may be short lived. Facing up to what they have done long term takes courage. [And like MLC there isn't much we can do to ease their pain] Fortunately it is 'only' two years in your case. With my xh it was more than 4 years, and that is a very long time. . . .
If it is a genuine long term change of heart then you have the choice. Others wiser than me can guide you if you want to rebuild. I simply advise caution, in the light of my own experience.
Her actions have changed somewhat over the last couple of weeks but since our interactions are limited, it would be a stretch to say that her actions mirror the sincerity of her apology.
The other thing is that I really do not "look" at what she does or says too much anyway.......I really just don't care.
Originally Posted By: Country_Song
Do you have any desire to try and R your M?
CS,
I really don't care enough to think about it. Sure I have thought about the "possibility" of it and just feel that it would not work.....
even if she could do all the things I would need or want her to do I am not sure that the demons would not come a callin' years from now if we were to reconcile.
The other point here and it really is a separate issue is that I have been dating a woman for the last 9 months and it is going well. There are no wedding bells in the future yet but we are a committed couple.
I feel that my response to my XW should be the same no matter if
I wanted to reconcile I was dating someone I was alone I did not want to reconcile
I am trying to be "true" to myself while at the same time protecting ME.
I did not answer your question.................
I would want to reconcile if.................
THAT IS WHERE I GET STUCK. (Maybe I could look at your paper for the answer)
~C
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I feel that my response to my XW should be the same no matter if
I wanted to reconcile I was dating someone I was alone I did not want to reconcile
I am trying to be "true" to myself while at the same time protecting ME.
I understand what you're saying Miss.
But I think your reponse is different based upon what you want, AND you're still being true to yourself.
As an example:
Responding to an advance from a pretty lady is going to be marginally different based upon what I want (if I was single and totally different since I am married) And I would be true to myself in either case.
Quote:
I would want to reconcile if.................
A - She was sincere. B - This wasn't a trick and I didn't feel like a fool for even considering it. C - She could earn my trust. D - I allowed her to earn my trust. E - all of the above.
? Maybe?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Here's my 2 cents and I say this as someone "behind you" in terms of timelines (it was 14 mo. since my XH began his affair and left, and 2 years since his MLC began).
What struck me about your post was your comment about putting your pain in this box way down below and protecting yourself so much it was instant. I have also done that by deliberately cutting my XH off and not allowing him any acccess to me for a long time now but through a friend. I don't regret this, as I think I needed it. But it has bothered me for the past month that I was also putting the feelings for him and the pain too away in a place where I was not learning how to handle it, which meant that the slightest upset to the way I had things controlled had the potential to really throw me for a loop. When you said "avoidance of pain doesn't make me HAPPY" that really struck me. That's exactly the place I reached this week.
Then, this stupid hurricane is coming, and I woke up today and very clear-headed, I initiated email contact with my XH to tell him I am concerned for his safety (details are on my thread). I have a mixed bag of emotions having done it, but the mixed bag comes from MY reaction to information out there, NOT from anything he did in interacting with me. I actually think it's important at this point for me to learn how to temper MY reactions to things. I do not regret contacting him for the brief time we spoke.
The reason I tell you all this is that I sense that you're in a similar place, where you're wondering if you want to unlock the door of this box of pain, wondering what the effects to you could be, and worrying a little about inviting pain into your life again (potentially) but also thinking that NOT opening it at all is a form of hiding from it, which also isn't good.
Now considering all that, what I think you should consider doing, is to respond with what you initially said, your minimum response. As for the other questions you thought of, the first one, what brought you to this, well I immediately thought "red flag." You may not want to know what brought her to it. She might not tell you.
What else could you say? If there is ANY part of you at all, even ONE IOTA that thinks you have it in you to explore reconciliation at some point, I think you could write something that leaves it all open.
You can simply thank her, say that it must have been hard to say that, and say that if she wants to talk to you in more depth, you would be willing to listen.
This lets you open the door but you're doing so with no promises, no pushing, no in-depth queries that might be too much yet, and if she says she wants to, then you may end up speaking about things more. If she doesn't do anything, I think you haven't put yourself out on a limb where you can face rejection.
Simply saying you're willing to LISTEN to her more is not setting yourself up to be rejected and hurt again. All it's saying is that you have made this long journey of self-improvement and you are willing to allow someone else who hurt you the space to apologize, etc.
Regardless of what ever happens from this point out, I do think that if she was sincere (and let's assume she was), that you are lucky to have had this gift of an acknoledgement that she made some bad choices. I've said many times that I really just want my XH to have remorse. Not because I want him to feel like dirt (though sometimes I do), but because I've read that feelings of "guilt" are self-serving, and one never recovers if one is motivated by guilt alone; but feelings of remorse are motivated by true knowledge that one hurt another, and THEIR path to recovery of their identity/self is only going to come if they feel remorse.
I feel like there is remorse in what she said. Just my 2 cents.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I have been following your thread even though I've been "laying low" this summer. Thank you for sharing your letter with us! It's always interesting to get insight into the MLC process. I'm VERY happy for all of the happiness and contentment you have created for yourself and your family. You have truly done an amazing job!!!!
Do you know what XW wrote to your D? Have you talked to D's therapist to ask about the best way to handle that with D?
