In the meantime H has called by to give something to D. He didn't come in but told me he'd see me for coffee later today and he'd take me to catch my 5am flight. The coffee arrangement and my email re the flight were both prior to yesterday's shutdown.
Dolphin you can't put a timeline on God's work to be done. What you can do though is spend your time working on making you the best person you can. Don't waste your precious time wondering thinking what is/is not happening with your h. Live for you and you only.
If it's God's will your marriage will be restored.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
I hear what you are saying Glam and I really appreciate your feedback. H says he is confused. He says he enjoys my company. He acknowledges that he needs to sort himself out. What he says and does are another matter of course. I see that this leaves me with two choices.....say goodbye and get on with living or keep seeing each other as 'friends' (and I don't need a 'friend') and get on with living.
Dolphin, this is based on observation, as sadly I have never had the chance to reconnect with my xh. Perhaps I never created the 'right' environment, who knows? Anyway, I think some marriages do reconnect fully, but I also think a fair few MLCers come back before they have resolved their issues, and then 'run' again at some point.
I don't think ultimatums work with MLCers, and I also think as long as OW is in the picture your h is still in MLC to some extent. What he is doing is hurtful to you, by remaining with her, and until he sees that for himself, and grows up a bit [or a lot!] is he really someone you want to be with?
In your shoes I think I would just be a whole lot less available to him. No need to say goodbye, and no need to go on seeing him as friends on his timetable . Occasional friendly contact would be enough to keep the door open. Almost all the work has to come from him.
And you can leave it to the man upstairs, but remember that He gave us freewill.
Anyway it is good that you can be pleasant and friendly! Unwavering hostility is very wearying.
We had dinner tonight.....as friends and I felt really uncomfortable because I knew that ow had been there. It was a real awakening for me. It suddenly hit me that I don't want it to be like this.
We had an incredibly frank conversation about him and what he went through with the MLC and he listened to my thoughts and agreed to much of what I said and made additional comments. He was really thoughtful about it all....I've never seen him like this before.
He acknowledged that he was not happy in his current situation and that he was the only one that could change that.He also acknowledged that what he really wanted was right there all along but at the time he thought he could find that happiness with someone else.
When I left we hugged really tightly and he apologised once again for all he's put me through. Changes are definitely occurring but I can't leave myself in this vulnerable position. I need more than to be an occasional 'friend' and when I get anxious I don't think I show myself in my best light either.
My thoughts are that he is very confused, which still indicates MLC for sure. I DO believe he is nearing the end though.
He is obviously recognizing your support of him on many counts and is drawn to you for many reasons. I DO believe he is currently leaning towards home. How much longer will that take? We can't say.
One never offers an ultimatum to a MLCer. Sooo...please DO NOT do that.
What is happening in your situation is all positive to me.
One thing standing out to me is he is beginning to feel really bad about the pain he has caused to others because of his choices and actions. I particularly think he is feeling the worst about what this has done to you.
He isn't all stuffed up anymore...Your H is talking about himself and his deepest thoughts and feelings...this is really huge. He feels safe with you now to disclose this, my thoughts are he is absolutely comfortable with you, this is really good for him that you are able to listen and not get angry and defensive.
I am wondering: If this awakening is going to be healing for you both and a reconcilement will follow...Will he be humble and be able to admit fault?
OR
Will it have the opposite affect where he will decide he can't return because of the destruction he has created...Will guilt, shame and fear continue to hold him tight?
I believe if you maintain your current level of support and offer up unconditional feelings towards him he will continue to be drawn back to you and your new relationship which is being reconstructed on the basis of a deep friendship and YES, undying love.
I once read that they have to be convinced 100% that it is safe to return (and then add more convincing for good measure on their part...this is MLC after all) before they make a permanent move of letting go of the OW/OP from their lives.
A big factor in the convincing is that you will maintain the "new" you and that life will not return to what it was when they left. We all know what life was like when they left!!
Another worry is that they do not want to be reminded of the "affair time and the OP" If they think for one minute that will be thrown in their face at every wrong turn, forget it...they will not even entertain the thought of a return.
Cas, your like the rest of us, impatient and wanting more of them...NOW!!
IMO, what you need to do is this....
Maintain your current level of kindness with him. You have been the person he has/is being drawn to now for a very long time...years. If you offer up ultimatums and shut him out until he decides what he wants, you will prove to him that nothing has changed (he'll think this way)...when in reality a great deal has changed.
I think about us when I say this. Here it's H who apparently was hurt by me...It's up to me to do the work to change things (which I have) and to maintain those changes, not to blow up the pretty balloons only burst them right before their eyes...Do you get my point? I hope so. It's all about their new found expectations and a place where they can feel accepted and comfortable again...
I know for a fact your H is not a happy man. He does not want to be "the bad guy" to anyone. This is a huge worry on his mind. He does not want to hurt anyone. Mine has expressed the very same.
They have huge regrets about two things...
Getting involved with another woman while still being married to us and in reality never wanting a divorce, wanting things to change in their marriages instead because they do love us and do not want to hurt us/families.
AND, not divorcing us right from the git go back when they were running so fast they were in flames and they hated us and their responsibilities and were positive the grass was greener on the other side of the fence, this way they didn't have to hurt her.
To me this is the confusion they face in simple terms. They wish the answer would just drop out of the sky. They wish they were not having to make a choice. I sometimes wonder what they would do if one of us, including the OW would make the choice for them. I truly want mine to man-up and face it and make it, right or wrong it is his mess to fix either way he chooses.
(((((Hugs)))))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Oh yes, very confused. He acknowledges that Sanderika. He knows he is unhappy but he doesn't know what to do to make it better. He has reconnected with ow once again. He knows that this path didn't bring him happiness; he articulated that but it's still the path he has chosen. Perhaps it's easier? Perhaps she is just filling the void until he can determine what the real action should be? Who knows? This is much bigger than I am!
I love him and you know, I can feel the love and care he has for me but he knows and I know that it's not enough for now. He's too scared to drop ow and fully commit to me for whatever reasons... they may be revealed as time goes on.
I can feel the pain he is experiencing and this has been a huge lesson for me; a lesson in love. I can sit beside him in his pain but I can't do this part of the journey for him. He has to sort it out for himself. he knows I am there but as a loving friend not as a sometimes partner. I have to let go and trust that this will all come to a happy and peaceful solution. He is not the partner I need atm. He certainly is someone I love but not someone I can build a future with at this stage. Ow needs to be well gone, he needs to indicate that he wants to work on things wholeheartedly and be committed to loving and growing together as aprt of a family.
Nothing much further to report. H and ow still together. H still making fairly regular contact. I am trying to monitor my responses to keep the pressure off. He obviously cares and we're in the friendship zone but that's all.
I have been thinking about your situation, and the following thought occurred to me - emotionally are you at risk? That is, could your h hurt you by his actions or inactions, or are you fully detached?
I suspect we cannot reconnect successfully with our spouses until we are fully detached from whatever they do. Any pressure is a sign to us, and to them that we want this to happen. Hence if it doesn't there will be, at best, disappointment, and probably more heartache. It sounds paradoxical that we probably can't have really have a successful relationship with our WAS until we do not mind, on one level, whether we have it or not.
Perhaps that is what it means when it says we get to choose.
I think last Feb I was detached and that's when H invited me to dinner. I have been more attached since then and yes, at risk of being hurt. However, I have been discussing this with my therapist and she has provided me with some very insightful comments regarding MLC and my H.
If I consider my position now compared to this time last year we have made significant progress and H is delving into the mess of the past years significantly. His r with ow continues to be a once a week catch up and he has broken off with her several times. He is moving forward in reconnecting with my family as well. I have decided in consultation with my therapist that I can continue this for 90 days.
Perhaps I can't reconnect without that detachment and that course of action is valid but at the moment H is confiding in me and has developed greater trust in me and I want to keep standing by him for now (as a confidante). While my illness was incredibly challenging I cannot overlook the impact it had on him and the significant care he gave me when I most needed it. Not sure this makes sense but in my head it does for now.
