Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Do the goals have to be discussed as part of a R discussion, or can one person attempt to influence the R by him or herself, and set a private R goal?

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Moderator
OP Offline
Moderator
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
Private goals. : )



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 781
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 781
I do think there is a place for shared goals as well. Our are usually guided by our MC. One was to try to spend some "low-stress," "no expectations" time together. Basically just hanging out unplanned. The other was to carve out a specific time to connect.

We also kinda talked about doing more fun stuff as a family. We try to plan something most weekends.


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Harrier #2142449 03/24/11 07:47 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 781
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 781
Apparently one of my goals isn't to try to improve my typing.


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 485
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 485
Harrier, you got your W completely on board AND you're training for the BM. Show off. wink

I know how much work it would be to do both those things - seriously, where'd you get the mental toughness H?????

My goal is to get my head right. And be at peace. And have some fun. I'll know I'm there when I can make my wife smile and relax - to sit close to me on the sofa while we watch a show and put her arm around me when we go to bed.




Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 5,270
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 5,270
Hey Jack.. I'm not so sure... all this kind of keeps 'that' period alive and current, whereas, if you have succesfully pieced, maybe its time to relegate all this to the past? Be able to be yourself once again (with all that you have learnt).. not be second guessing or secretly setting goals etc.

In fact, H and I's relationship now bears little resemblance to the one we had before.. quite honestly the one we have now is more loving.. we never fight, I kind of see that as a symtom of lack of communication and since getting back together, one thing that is very different is we are mindful of the need to communicate. And by that I mean.. he is now trying hard to be more open and honest (rather than bottle things up and then bring them up a year and a half later!) and I work hard to always listen and by that I mean actively listen and take on board what he has said and make him feel heard.

I DB'd my *rse off for 18 months.. and yes, even when we got back together I was still Dbing looking back, being positive, GAL, laughing more, keeping up changes etc... 2 years on, I feel more relaxed and like that period is done. But then maybe thats because we did succesfully piece/marry and that helps me to feel relaxed and secure in the new R?

Nice to still see you here! I remember you were one of the guys that was a big help to me back in the dark days.


Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs
IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08
Reconciled 05/09 now married!
my thread
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Moderator
OP Offline
Moderator
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
I remember you Ali and I am glad that you are doing so very well. : )

I guess I can see why this might be seen as...manipulative.

So I'll use an example from my own life in piecing.

My wife, simply put is a work-a-holic.

My long range goal has been to get her home earlier and be around our boys more at night. A side part of that is to focus on the boys and not spend the first hour she is home talking about work.

Intead of 8-8:30 she has been coming home at 6:30-7. I have adjusted dinner to be ready by 7:30. I thank her when she does this.

When she talks about work, I do listen, when it starts going long, I ask her if she can tell me more when the boys are in bed because our youngest still needs to do his reading excercises. If she is almost done, she'll tell me and She finishes, if she has a lot more, she'll wait until our boys are in bed.

That's the subtle part....manipulative I suppose.

We have also talked directly about this desire and want for our family, and she is on board, just needs the reminders at times, those are her words.

When she does work late, I know it is because there is a deadline, and I don't get upset or passive aggresive. She calls more often than not and asks if I am ok with it. If it is going to really be late, I sometimes bring her dinner and the boys and we walk around the Zoo after everyone else has gone. Which BTW is beyond cool.

I see setting realtionship goals, as an forgotten tool in the tool box, and one that can be very helpful.

Like the other tools, it gets modified a bit when piecing. In so much that you aren't doing it without your spouses knowledge. Sometimes you are, but maybe the better word is...your using it with their understand, consent or approval.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Manipulation for the greater good. It's not inherently evil, because our intentions are good. This makes sense. Not everything can be accomplished via a R talk. In my case I've been wanting my W to attend group dance lessons with me, and to attend ballroom dance events instead of solely Salsa. Even after months of attending our studio, her group attendance was sporadic, and getting her to go out ballroom dancing was difficult. After several failed attempts at large ballroom events, I volunteered to organize a group outing to the next event (last week). It worked, as my W had a great time, because there was a social aspect to it. I also wanted my W to have more focus in our lessons and prepare for and participate in a dance competition (January). she brings the spirit into our partnership, but I bring the focus and aspiration to compete. We attended (not perfect), and now she is looking for a hot Latin dress for her next event or competition. We limit ourselves to two dances to work on, so that we can become competition ready, with no strict deadlines.

In discussions with her prior to these events, her interest was at best ambivalent. R discussions were not going to move us forward, but provided me with information on what potential I had to work with my goals. I knew what my needs were in the partnership, and manipulated (persistent influence) by words and strategy to move her in the direction I imagined could happen.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 482
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 482
Hi Al....and JTB,

Al, I think I know what you are saying about being in piecing and feeling successful, but still having tough days with flashbacks. And the H asks, "Why are you dwelling on the past?" It seems to be so over for him and really just beginning for me. I'm just coming into the time period last year when I started to wake up and realize my M was in trouble. I'm fastening my seatbelt for the anniversary of the official confrontation and all the lies and deception that followed. I am striving to be "mindful" and ccc about it. However, I still lie awake every night and ruminate. That's really hard on me....and H who is so good about comforting me.

I'll be late for work if I don't get off this board now.

I'll be back!


M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Page 2 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard