Divorce or Hope?

[ninelives]

Hey guys:

Well Im back. Wife left me last year around this time. Swore no infedility despite what Puppy and Sandi and many suggested.

We tried reconilation in July but she only came back in body. She contiued to cheat with a rather unexpected low life that has a dead end job and two kids. One in diapers ( not quite a year) and one three.

I found out Halloween night via a blackberry she had passed out.
She continued to deny and I told her to leave and go back to the house she had bought in the summer. Where she had her trysts with this lowe life once a week. BTW, He is not at alll good looking and his fatehr was the town bum. I am so preplexexed that she actually slept with him let alone kissed him once.

She tried to committ suicide and ended in the mental institue for a couple of weeks but htat was more for show I thinnk.

He lft his wife on Dec 26 and my wife has her own place.

They are now out in the open but not living together. He goes there when she doesnt have the kids every other week.


Trouble is and it really bothers me, Somehow I still lover her.

I was on stresss leave till yesterday as was she. She stars work on Monday.

She has lost over 50 pounds and looks great sometimes but is haggard others.

She has really no fututre with this guy but he lavished attentionn on her that I guess I did not.

She textes me often despite me telling her not to. Its a long stroy but she doesnt reapect my boundries. We are getting aour sepaerations settlement finalized and I thinki its a fair one .

How do I get over her. My therapists and many others dont believe this is foing to last with him.

Our oldest son overheard everything and know his mom had the affair and wants little to do with her.

Most of her family want little to do with her as she has completely blown up her life.

Is there still a chance for us? She always wants to know what i am doing and was very hurt that i changed my status on facebook to single and received lots of support.

On jan 3, she told me she had a meltdown over new years and mawondered if I could giveher a week to think about coming back but three hours later changed her mind.

Any ideas

[zengypsy]

Nine - First, I'm sorry that you are back on the boards with us all. Having said that, you know this is the place you need to be.

You also know how the whole DB thing works. Affairs whether EA and/or PA are transient. The faster they start, they end just as quickly. It's like an addict needing a fix. Think how long the fix lasts.

Your W can only make her own choices now. And sometimes she will have to suffer the consequences of those choices. You need to re-group and get yourself back on track. Be the man she fell in love with again. GAL; go out with friends, throw a new color of paint on your walls, clean out a closet etc. You get the idea. Just as they think it's all about them right now, it's really all about you. I love the fact that we change and the WAS remain stuck. And when they see or hear the new us, they are so thrown off! What a payoff huh? They doubted us that we would ever change.

Dust off your DR book or go out an get yourself a copy if you don't have one. We are hear for you.

[ninelives]

i apologize for the state of my post. Its not well written and so much is missing. I just cant seem to rehash all the details althought they probably are important.

She believes she loves this thing that she is with but again, I think its a matter of time before she wakes up. He has tried these lines with other women but my wife fell for them. She wanted out of our relationship but I wonder sometimes if she truly has nothing left for me. She gets upset around me easy and often wants to communicate. I think she misses many aspects of our life together but is addicted to this affair.

My therapist believes that she will come crawling back but only because she misses the security and is often overwhelmed in our small town because many people know about this. Our mutual friends have taken my side. Her brother in law ( sisters husband will not even talk to her) she is not allowed at her sisters house as a result. She looked up to her BIL as a second father but he hates her now.

Her boyfriend is not allowed at any of the family functions but I am still welcomed.

I know I must move forward, get stronger and focus on my kids and i have done that with some difficulty. But do I hold out some hope that her course with him will run out. they have so much going against them.

Last night she called and we stupidly rehashed what went wrong in our marriage with both of us taking blame.

I asked her at the end if she is happy now and she said emphatically that she is not and know she effed up her life and her kids life but doesnt know what to do about it.

I am lost at this point but am trying to move on but I cant seem to get her out of my mind.

[ninelives]

Thanks Zen:

I appreciate the advice and I am trying all those things. I just wonder if everything is too broken to fix. I would be willing to forgive but it would be a herculian effort to never bring it up and since we live in such a small town, I might even bump into him,( with a Jeep i hope).

He makes so little money and will have to pay child support and alimony. He is also a part time DJ at our local bar so i cant go there anymore. My wife has changed an reverted to teenage like behaviour, she is 43, but how long can this last?

Like i said, she is already telling people how unhappy she is and tries to get happy by drinking and quick little fixes. She suffers from depression and told me she was diagnosed with bipolar tendancies but then said she wasnt and that i should never repeat that. Almost a comedy sketch.

Im really pissed about what she did but hate to see the woman I love go down a path of destruction with a low life. My kids factor in to this as well. My youngest loves everyone and I cant stand the thought of them doing things together. My oldest doesnt even want to meet him.

She blames me for the bad relationship with her son since I lost my temper and called her every name in the book the night I found out and could not lower my voice. My oldest son heard everything and then saw her try and committ suicide but she blames me for not lowering my voice. I told her I went out of my mind when I found out. There was not Physical abuse but I could not stop calling her a slut. I went out of my body.

[2stepboogie]

9lives,

I guess welcome back although I don't know anybody ever really wants to be back. Man, only you can figure out what to do from here. What are your boundaries what are you willing to do and not do. I know my answer.......time for you to find yours.

I am all about DBing and saving a M but not at the expense of losing myself and my personal integrity. I will save my M as long as BOTH parties can enrich the M and be better. I know what I am doing and you know what you have done......What is she doing?

Time to take some personal stock in yourself and your M. 19yrs is a long time to throw away but you have to be complete as a person for yourself before you can be complete of a M to work out.

[zengypsy]

Nine.....Breathe!

WAS/MLC'ers IMHO are sort-of one in the same. They suffer from narcassitic behavior and that includes blaming the LBS - YOU. My H 1 year later STILL blames me for everything. In the beginning I let him blame me; I took the brunt for it all. I was riddled with so much guilt for ruining such a good thing. I got myself into therapy, read a ton of books, joined this forum and realized that I'm accountable for my part and I own that but my H has some ownership as well. But he hasn't grappled with that yet and I know he will. And so, my point being, our S are stuck. Outwardly they appear happy and together when truthfully they aren't. It's a facade. They are like tires spinning in the mud. They have no direction and they keep making bad choices.

They will realize that the grass isn't greener. It's tough when you have children. I don't have any and in some way I feel fortunate for that because I know how I felt when my parents split up and I was 23 at the time.

MLC'ers are in an experimental phase and that may include a new relationship or 2. It can be a mortality issue that makes them snap - who knows. Only they know and it's a jaded truth. How long can it last? That's a good question. There is no definitive answer. You can leave the door down the hall open, it's up to how open you want that door. MLC'ers are really good at keeping you on the rollercoaster. Your in for a long journey and patience will become your enemy and best friend at the same time.

You BOTH have to make some changes in order for this M to work. If she isn't willing at this juncture, then you have to start to detach lovingly and not worry about what she isn't doing or is doing. I know it's hard and to factor that you live in a small town as well. You can only focus on you right now. You will present yourself in a different, better way. You have to for YOU and the possibility for saving your M.



MLC'ers also can suffer from depression as well. A depressed person never knows that they are truly depressed thus a medical diagnosis (which it sounds like she got) is warranted. If she is bi-polar that perhaps explains the attempted suicide. It's a very common element from what I understand that goes with the disorder.

[Queen_of_Swords]

ninelives...
I'm sorry you're suffering

I believe many of us struggle with this question daily. if not hour to hour.

for me, if I didn't have children it would be so much easier to just complete the process and walk away. Except, you never really walk away there is always a connection that can't be completely severed.

If I didn't love this man that's now a stranger to me on so many levels, it would be easy to say a hearty Eff you and never let the thought of him cross my mind ever again.

If it didn't cause me incredible financial hardship, ditto.
If I hadn't made such a huge investment of personal intangible resources and time ditto.

Yet, everyday I struggle to answer this question.
Divorce now? Or hope for better soon?
Sometimes I feel like an utter fool for choosing hope.
Other times I feel like I'm not just giving up on him, but on me and my kids if I choose divorce.

I guess in the end that's all we can do, make that choice day by day on what we're going to do until the price we pay for making one choice or the other becomes too high to sustain.

I wish all of us here better days and a blindly clear sign of hope soon. Spring will come.

[ninelives]

Well, I am back to this silliness and despite knowing what to do, i made a huge mistake on Friday.

She was very confused when she got caught back in Oct, she wanted councelling and wanted me to forgive her and so on but I was absolutely unconsoluable. I even spit in her face when she finally told me she had slept with him despite denying it forever.

I stayed with her in the mental hospital for awhile and she still talked about recon. But as the weeks passed, she wanted her boyfriend more and more. She made it very clear at one point that I should move on and that she would never come back.

Same as last time she left in Feb of 2010 but that was before I knew of affair.

She has not respected any boundries I have set and called often and sometimes it seemed just to chat. I finally made it very clear that she did not exist to me other than the mother of my children.

My son had an appendix attack two weeks ago and we went to the hospital in a bigger town, 1.5 hours away together because son wanted both of us. We stayed in his hospital room together overnight.

Longest night of my life. She is with OM and does not appear to want to let go of him despite realizing that they have a bleak future together financially and because many of her family will not accept him.

For last few weeks, I have been ignoring her and replying very quick texts to her about kids. Many of texts need not be sent.

She was upset that I wouldnt look at her at our sons hockey games as I am the coach, she would come into the dressing room despite me asking her not to. She texted me and asked if I would ever speak to her again. I said not as long as you are with OM.

Unfortunatlely , I miss her like crazy and am willing to forgive her PA with this loser. We talked on Friday and she told me she wasnt happy and wished she could just dissappear but tells her friends she is getting happy.

I asked her a question on the phone about something and she said why do i care since i hate her anyway.

In a moment of weakness I said, Do you really think I hate you after all these years. I told her I miss her like crazy and that I still love her but I have to ignore her for my survival.

I went over to pick up my son at her place and we talked again about recon and that her boyfriend was a player that tried that line on so many people but she bought it because she was so unhappy about her boring marriage.

She told me earlier that there was 100% chance we would ever get back together but by the end of the hour she said she needed time to think. I know I came on too strong but I cant stand to see her go down this path of destruction.

I have revovered since and I have accepted that she is not coming back and he will probably move in with her for a while where she now becomes the bread winner. I know she will enjoy that role for a while but then it will blow up in her face.

I need to accept the fact that there is no recon any time soon if ever and if there is , she might be coming back for the wrong reasons.

I only told her I loved her because I think she truly believed that I hated her and would never accept her back. I am faced with the burden of loving someone that doesnt really love me although she said she did that night but not in the marital sense.

When will I wake up and stop causing myself so much pain looking for a morsal of hope to bring back our family.

She even said she enjoys her little house where she can be alone sometimes. I just wonder if that will ever grow tiresome or has she become so selfish that this is who she really is.

[ninelives]

BTW, Zen and SCylla, excellent responses. My heart goes out to you as well. It is all consuming and there must be a way to move on. I have tried reading Tolle, the power of NOW but cant seem to sustain it for long.

Time is the doctor they say in Greece.

God bless all and hope for better days ahead. They have to b.

[zengypsy]

Nine:

I don't mean to sound cruel and apologize if I do, but you can't help her manage her disorder or her life. She really doesn't want your help at this juncture. SHe is trying to suck you back becasue she needs you and does not neccesarily want you. You have to consider do you want someone to want you or need you? You both need to take some time apart so you can each take care of yourselves and get healthier.

If you got back together now, your M is not going to work. all you both will be is tires spinning in the mud. You need to focus on YOU and I can't stress that enough. Is is hard? HELL YES! But the only one who can control her behavior is her. If you cotinue this parent/child relationship with her, she will continue to resent you.

Do I still love my H even tho he left 1 year ago today and has filed for a D? 150% yes. When I hear from his own brother that he feels my H is making bad choice do I worry and just want to intervene and save him? Again, 150% yes. But I know that I can't. People have to hit rock bottom sometimes to get to the other side. That's the way I look at my H leaving. It sucked, but it forced me to face my demons and work hard to be that person he fell in love with 20 years ago. I want to be the greener grass. My D is going to happen but I won't stop DB'g. How long will I leave that door open ajar, not sure at this moment and that's ok. I'm just taking thingsw one day at a time.

My H got into all that new age stuff, Tolle, Chopra, The Secret etc. Just be careful with those books because they can have a very narcassitic approach. It's a very general view and it doesn't factor in when you have children etc. It's all about if YOU feel your aren't happy, then you need to just cut your losses and move on. It doesn't matter who or what gets left behind. Not a very healthy approach IMHO but I'm sure the overall message isn't bad if you sift thru all the bs. I honestly believe that these books validated my H's decision to leave. DR's approach negates all those age authors views.

Don't pursue her, don't tell her you love her, don't talk about R - she knows trust me. You are only doing more of the same.

I encourage you to read DR if you haven't and if you have, keep reading it over and over. GAL - go out there and get yourself stronger. You can do better and you will. Tommorrow is another day.