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Well your not married to the tin man! Something has to work it's worked for 20yrs and now all of sudden she has turned to stone? Your missing something.


BITS

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Habit,

1) Go to the posts of the ones who made it. Jack3Beans is one. It was his anniversary yesterday, I think, from when he first posted. I went through all his posts and it really was enlightening.

2) Have you talked to a DB Coach? Maybe if you could get some time there they will be able to show you things you didn't see.

3) 4 months may not be enough time. Michele says 1 month for every year of marriage (sorry, if that makes you want to jump.)

4) I feel your frustration, believe me. For the first 3 months, nothing worked. My H was absolutely the tin man. I don't care what anyone says. He closed down completely and there was nothing getting through. Good news, he's cracking. What does that mean? Don't have a clue if he's happy because I seem accepting or he's drifting back. I don't ask.

5) You have to GAL. Sorry, just the way it is. However, I don't believe that you should be doing things that aren't "you" and worrying about if its attractive or not. If you are not true to yourself, then you are just faking and you'll ultimately revert back to your true self. So, I agree with you on this point.

I know you're frustrated right now. I'm sorry about that because it really seems like you are making a genuine effort. There might not be an answer right now. Your wife might need time and there isn't anything else but time that is going to help. Your wife might truly want out. I don't know. But if I were you, I think it's worth betting on that she needs time and to wait this out a bit longer. The GAL is about not getting swallowed up in this waiting game because it is painful.

LIS


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T - 14
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Originally Posted By: lostinscared
Habit,

1) Go to the posts of the ones who made it. Jack3Beans is one. It was his anniversary yesterday, I think, from when he first posted. I went through all his posts and it really was enlightening.

2) Have you talked to a DB Coach? Maybe if you could get some time there they will be able to show you things you didn't see.

3) 4 months may not be enough time. Michele says 1 month for every year of marriage (sorry, if that makes you want to jump.)

4) I feel your frustration, believe me. For the first 3 months, nothing worked. My H was absolutely the tin man. I don't care what anyone says. He closed down completely and there was nothing getting through. Good news, he's cracking. What does that mean? Don't have a clue if he's happy because I seem accepting or he's drifting back. I don't ask.

5) You have to GAL. Sorry, just the way it is. However, I don't believe that you should be doing things that aren't "you" and worrying about if its attractive or not. If you are not true to yourself, then you are just faking and you'll ultimately revert back to your true self. So, I agree with you on this point.

I know you're frustrated right now. I'm sorry about that because it really seems like you are making a genuine effort. There might not be an answer right now. Your wife might need time and there isn't anything else but time that is going to help. Your wife might truly want out. I don't know. But if I were you, I think it's worth betting on that she needs time and to wait this out a bit longer. The GAL is about not getting swallowed up in this waiting game because it is painful.

LIS


I concur with Lost. You need to be PATIENT and give this more TIME. Also, I disagree with those who would tell you that it is time to use a hard line approach. If someone wants to shoot you in the head, you don't hand them the gun. That is how I view the hardline. JMO.

BITS
Denver


M 43
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W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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Quote:
Originally Posted By: Coach
[quote]I posted that question a number of weeks ago. I agree that likely a lot of people are successful don't come back to talk about it - there busy with their new M!!



No they are busy on another marriage help website.


Most of the success stories do not go on to other websites, they go on to their marriages.


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Quote:
Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
She'll reiterate all of the things she already said, "I don't want to be with you anymore, this isn't what I want, I don't love you and I cannot change that - and I don't want to try".



Agree with her. "I can't believe I have been trying to hold onto this. I hear you, I think it is best for me to be in a marriage with a woman who loves me. I understand how you can feel that way and I wont stand in your way of leaving."




There is a better option: Listen. Really get to understand her. DO NOT agree with her, but don't argue with her. There's a difference. (What you resist persists.)

Validating is not agreeing. It is letting her know her point of view really matters to you. You want to understand her side of things, and even more for a woman--her feelings. You want to understand how your actions or lack of actions have impacted her.

Then change accordingly.


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One man's good advice is another man's downfall. You are on the right track.

I do not think you are pursuing and you do not need to explain yourself to folks who are putting pressure on you.

Quote:
My whole marriage and the first years of my children's lives have been wasted by me and my huge time consuming hobby's. I don't want that anymore. My GAL is my W and family. I do not know how to do any different. If this is what I want, why should I?

As for what I need to do for myself if things don't work out? Why can I not deal with that when the time comes. I am really tired of being told to prepare myself for the end of my marriage. I feel selfish worrying about myself, I put my W and kids way higher than myself on my priority list. If this is wrong, so be it.

Yes, fighting for my marriage is also about me and what I want, but a happy marriage is something that includes us all. When my family is at stake, I can care less what happens to me and what I want.

If this is somehow unattractive to a woman, scr#w em!



It IS attractive to women. There is no ONE description of what is attractive to women.


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I know exactly how you feel habit. The only difference in your sitch and mine is that I wasn't nearly as patient as you are being and couldn't help myself and pursued my W. This led to me pushing her to the point of wanting to move forward w/ D. Then I made the move out of the house to stop her from moving forward. Along the way, I managed to lose my job and all respect of my W and quite possibly blew any chance I had of saving my M. I know you are going insane inside, but don't go my route and push the issue. Hang tough. I know you want your 180 to be w/ your family. Isn't there anyrthing that you can take on as a hobby that would be a 180, but still keep you around the house? Any home improvements you can do? Photography? Cooking?


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mj144, it is funny you bring up home improvements. My house is like a brand new house in 2 months time. New windows, new doors,new roof. Guess what? She took it as pursuing. How do I know that you may ask? Because...

I JUST DID THE VALIDATING TALK. Do it. Trust me. It is like the tension blew out my new doors and windows and flew right out of the house.

I want to talk about this more, but it is so late because the W and I talked so much. Yipee.

Thank you everyone so much for puting up with my attitude the last couple days, I was really getting flustered.

It was like nothing was going on with my sitch, and all of a sudden everyone can tell by the tone of my writing that something is wrong, and you all came to the rescue. Thank you all very much.

I will try to tell all my details of our talk tomorrow. Good and bad. Bad being I talked to much, but overall I think a good score.


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Nice Habit! Can't wait to hear how it went. Remember, BABY STEPS. It's good now. Don't despair if it goes bad. Just keep plodding slowly with no expectations.


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AWESOME!! Happy for you. Now don't over react and be patient


BITS

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