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A Message from Michele
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Till death do us part... or she leaves... #2124073
01/27/11 03:46 AM
01/27/11 03:46 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 459
F
FellOnBlackDays Offline OP
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FellOnBlackDays  Offline OP
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F
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 459
B.I.T.S.,
It's FOBD. I had to start a new post because the old one got too long and I didn't like the title anyway. For those that want to catch up, here is a link to the old post:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2111767#Post2111767

Anyway, how are all my peeps? I wish I had something new and exciting to post, but I don't. I finally heard from W today. First time since she walked out of house on Sunday. Unfortunately, it wasn't to talk to me. She has been getting calls from my 92 year old grandmother who doesn't know about the S. She called me to ask me how I would like her to address the situation. I missed her call and when I called, her she couldn't answer. Then she called me, but I was on the other line with my boss. I asked her if we could talk later tonight. She told me it would have to be early because she had plans and would not share with me what those plans were. OM lives in Canada and I am quite sure that when she was still living here, she used have a girls night out w/ her friends on the occasional Wednesday. So, I am not going to let my mind wander. I am a little upset that she is taking a dump on a very important conversation. She loves my grandmother and has been very close to her. She never really knew her own grandmothers and she has adopted mine. None the less, tonight she has chosen her plans with her friends over my grandmother apparently. She has not called back...

Anyway, I come to you tonight for help. I visited with my MC/C today and he is really pushing me hard to file for D. He once again reminded me that D's are not final and that it is simply to protect me legally. I have been very discouraged lately and have been thinking about it. Why, I don't know. I will mull that over some more and post about it tomorrow night. I guess I am pushing myself too hard. I made a list today of the things she has done:

1) Conducted EA
2) Moved out and took all possessions
3) Submitted Change of Address form to USPS
4) Changed billing address on all statements (all she gets here now is junk mail)
5) Walked away with check from me for household goods
6) Took half the kitchen
7) Signed lease on new place
8) Took me off her cell plan and made me get my own (probably to hide hundreds of texts to OM)
9) Told me repeatedly "it is over, I am not coming back."
10) Told friends it is over
11) Stopped wearing her wedding ring and anniversary band
12) Stopped calling me other than to use me as a furniture store

The list goes on and on and it is quite depressing. But, I guess maybe my DB'ing kicked in at some point because I suddenly asked myself this question, "Is anything that has been conducted on this list irreversible?" The resounding answer is "NO!" Everything she has done to this point can be taken back, changed or reversed. She has yet to take a single action that cannot be flipped back. I think I can find something positive in this. Thoughts?

So, I am ready to start working on the next stage of my DBing plan. But, how do I proceed? We apparently are now in the "friends" mode. She answers when I call and we are very friendly on the phone. But, she still doesn't refer to us in any other way other than friends. This is not all bad. She could have taken her stuff on Sunday, handed me papers and told me to piss off. So, I can find some good in where I am right now. But, I how should I proceed from here? How do I stay in her life without pursuing or looking like I am trying to do such a thing? I will continue to GAL. I will continue to go to the gym. I will continue to play nice with her and not take the bait to fight when offered. But, what next? Should I spend some time with a DB coach? I want to keep the ball moving forward, but I am not sure how to proceed. Any success stories out there? Team, you have a BITS in need right now. Please help?

BTW, I know I keep referring to my MC as my MC, but I guess he has become more of a C now. He is very concerned about my W and the games she is playing. So, I guess the truth is that now he is my C. Anyway, my C today asked me if I have considered going out on a date? I told him "no," but I was getting lonely. I work in outside sales and this week I had to conduct a presentation with a very attractive co-worker. Nothing going on here. She is engaged to a very large gentleman who would crush me like a grape. But, while at lunch I noticed how nice it was to sit across a table from a pretty lady while eating and conversing. My W was quite cute and I do miss sitting in a restaurant and just talking with her. I miss the interaction. I miss the touch of W's skin. I miss the feel of my W's lips. I want her back so bad it hurts. But the loneliness is getting hard.

Team, I have another issue I would like to post to the group, but this is too long already. More tomorrow night.

BITS, remember, the only easy day was yesterday!

FOBD, out!


Me: 39
W: 36
T: 15 yrs
M: 9 yrs
S: 09/10

So you can get on with your search, baby
And I can get on with mine
And maybe someday we will find,
That it wasn't really wasted time...
Re: Till death do us part... or she leaves... [Re: FellOnBlackDays] #2124076
01/27/11 03:54 AM
01/27/11 03:54 AM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,496
2
2stepboogie Offline
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2stepboogie  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,496
FOBS

Stay tuned for my response it might be long. In the meantime check my new thread for a little bit of a crazy day...


BITS

Re: Till death do us part... or she leaves... [Re: 2stepboogie] #2124077
01/27/11 04:00 AM
01/27/11 04:00 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 459
F
FellOnBlackDays Offline OP
Member
FellOnBlackDays  Offline OP
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 459
2step, what is your thread called. I don't see it.

FOBD


Me: 39
W: 36
T: 15 yrs
M: 9 yrs
S: 09/10

So you can get on with your search, baby
And I can get on with mine
And maybe someday we will find,
That it wasn't really wasted time...
Re: Till death do us part... or she leaves... [Re: FellOnBlackDays] #2124105
01/27/11 05:32 AM
01/27/11 05:32 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 195
Denver
M
mj144 Offline
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mj144  Offline
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M
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 195
Denver
FOBD,
Be strong, brother. Go dark IMO. Don't ask her what she is doing. To her, you have to appear as you don't care what she is doing. I would have the converrsation w/ her about your grandmother and then go dark. You are absolutely correct when you say that everything is reversible. I don't know what filing for D would do as far as 'protecting' yourself as your C suggests. I think you just need to hang tight and work on GAL. But what the hell do I know?!? I'm more of a basket case then you are. wink

Getting a DB coach will be very helpful, but my recommendation is to wait a week or so B4 getting one. I think you just need to settle down from a very traumatic weekend you just endured.

How's that hand?

B.I.T.S


M42
W38
D5D7
M8
Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10
Moved out 1-7-11
FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
Re: Till death do us part... or she leaves... [Re: FellOnBlackDays] #2124107
01/27/11 05:36 AM
01/27/11 05:36 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
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Denver_2010 Offline
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Denver_2010  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
Originally Posted By: FellOnBlackDays
Anyway, I come to you tonight for help. I visited with my MC/C today and he is really pushing me hard to file for D. He once again reminded me that D's are not final and that it is simply to protect me legally. I have been very discouraged lately and have been thinking about it. Why, I don't know. I will mull that over some more and post about it tomorrow night. I guess I am pushing myself too hard. I made a list today of the things she has done:

The list goes on and on and it is quite depressing. But, I guess maybe my DB'ing kicked in at some point because I suddenly asked myself this question, "Is anything that has been conducted on this list irreversible?" The resounding answer is "NO!" Everything she has done to this point can be taken back, changed or reversed. She has yet to take a single action that cannot be flipped back. I think I can find something positive in this. Thoughts?


Exactly. FOBD, we haven't been at this that long. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I think that you need to take a step back and relax for a bit. You are right, nothing has happened that cannot be reversed. Remember the 2 most important things with DBing, IMO anyway, this takes 1) TIME and 2) PATIENCE. She is still a WAW. I think that some expectations that you allowed yourself to have after a couple of positive contacts with your W caused you to have a bit of a setback. But that's all that it is... a setback.

Originally Posted By: FellOnBlackDays
So, I am ready to start working on the next stage of my DBing plan. But, how do I proceed? We apparently are now in the "friends" mode. She answers when I call and we are very friendly on the phone. But, she still doesn't refer to us in any other way other than friends. This is not all bad. She could have taken her stuff on Sunday, handed me papers and told me to piss off. So, I can find some good in where I am right now. But, I how should I proceed from here? How do I stay in her life without pursuing or looking like I am trying to do such a thing? I will continue to GAL. I will continue to go to the gym. I will continue to play nice with her and not take the bait to fight when offered. But, what next? Should I spend some time with a DB coach? I want to keep the ball moving forward, but I am not sure how to proceed. Any success stories out there? Team, you have a BITS in need right now. Please help?


A DB coach is a good idea FOBD. Mine got me centered on what I needed to do. I haven't even used my 2 remaining sessions bc the 1st has helped so much.

If I were you, I would consider going dark again for a bit. See if she starts initiating contact again. If she does, then you have to remember to watch for the little things that are positive. Baby steps. Remember, she is going to be excited, caught up with, and busy with, her new living situation. This probably is not going to last long. So consider going dark for a while and let her get over all of that. Get her wondering what FOBD is up to. During that time, continue GAL. Have some fun.


Originally Posted By: FellOnBlackDays
BTW, I know I keep referring to my MC as my MC, but I guess he has become more of a C now. He is very concerned about my W and the games she is playing. So, I guess the truth is that now he is my C. Anyway, my C today asked me if I have considered going out on a date? I told him "no," but I was getting lonely. I work in outside sales and this week I had to conduct a presentation with a very attractive co-worker. Nothing going on here. She is engaged to a very large gentleman who would crush me like a grape. But, while at lunch I noticed how nice it was to sit across a table from a pretty lady while eating and conversing. My W was quite cute and I do miss sitting in a restaurant and just talking with her. I miss the interaction. I miss the touch of W's skin. I miss the feel of my W's lips. I want her back so bad it hurts. But the loneliness is getting hard.


Understand exactly how you feel. I have also considered whether or not I should date. The answer for me was 'no'. First, I'm not ready to start dealing with any expectations that an OW might have. Second, I decided it wasn't healthy for me and what I want for my life... which obviously is to have new M with my W. I decided that I need to either focus on that, or nothing romantic at all right now.

I think that it is good that you are recognizing that your C is YOUR C and not MC. He obviously views his role is to look out for your best interests as an individual and not the best interest of your M. IMO, you should be careful with some of his advice.

BTW, I do not see how you filing for D helps you protect yourself anymore than sitting back and giving your M some time does. While I agree that D is not necessarily the end of a R, all it will really do is hasten the end of your M and make reconcilliation more difficult.

Ultimately, all of this is up to you and what is best for FOBD.

BITS!!
Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Re: Till death do us part... or she leaves... [Re: mj144] #2124108
01/27/11 05:38 AM
01/27/11 05:38 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
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Denver_2010 Offline
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Denver_2010  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
Originally Posted By: mj144
FOBD,
Be strong, brother. Go dark IMO. Don't ask her what she is doing. To her, you have to appear as you don't care what she is doing. I would have the converrsation w/ her about your grandmother and then go dark. You are absolutely correct when you say that everything is reversible. I don't know what filing for D would do as far as 'protecting' yourself as your C suggests. I think you just need to hang tight and work on GAL. But what the hell do I know?!? I'm more of a basket case then you are. wink

Getting a DB coach will be very helpful, but my recommendation is to wait a week or so B4 getting one. I think you just need to settle down from a very traumatic weekend you just endured.

How's that hand?

B.I.T.S


Wow... I just said almost the exact same thing as MJ in my post. MJ just did it much more succinctly!


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Re: Till death do us part... or she leaves... [Re: mj144] #2124114
01/27/11 05:47 AM
01/27/11 05:47 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,550
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Forrest Gump Offline
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Forrest Gump  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,550
"1) Conducted EA
2) Moved out and took all possessions
3) Submitted Change of Address form to USPS
4) Changed billing address on all statements (all she gets here now is junk mail)
5) Walked away with check from me for household goods
6) Took half the kitchen
7) Signed lease on new place
8) Took me off her cell plan and made me get my own (probably to hide hundreds of texts to OM)
9) Told me repeatedly "it is over, I am not coming back."
10) Told friends it is over
11) Stopped wearing her wedding ring and anniversary band
12) Stopped calling me other than to use me as a furniture store"

Which one of those things makes you want to file for a D?

You can only pick one and talk about it.

"He is very concerned about my W and the games she is playing."

Why do you think the C is concerned with your W's "game playing"?

"But, while at lunch I noticed how nice it was to sit across a table from a pretty lady while eating and conversing."

How far can you take that without going "over the line".

How could you apply that.. to the situation you find yourself in?


Relax
Eat
Think
Act normal
React.. Smartly.
Do something different.
Emulate.
Do Work.

Lets get "RETARDED" in here.


Re: Till death do us part... or she leaves... [Re: Forrest Gump] #2124127
01/27/11 07:43 AM
01/27/11 07:43 AM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,496
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2stepboogie Offline
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2stepboogie  Offline
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Posts: 1,496
Ok Here it goes...

W is successfully attempting to detach but is not there yet i.e. phone interactions and pleasantries. You are now where I was 3 months ago because now she is out of the house. Look at it from a more positive and realistic perspective...

1. Conducted an EA. So what! Really think about it. She is talking to someone and this can go 50/50 either way. As you know my wife is talking to OM also. Ok. Let it go. You know she will meet new people and talk and make friends. Not everyone she talks to is going to be the one she sleeps with, if anybody.

2. Moved out and took all possessions Ok..She is attempting to move on and she can't do that with half her stuff in your place. It [censored] to see and it hurts to see but did you expect her to move out and not get her stuff. Want to hear something funny. When I was in OK I actually helped my W move in. Even went to Lowes and helped her pick out a lamp. When she told me you should have rented a truck to help with the big stuff I said “my compassion has limits” with a big smile. Then I told her I could spend the night at her place because it was closer to the airport she responded by saying “my compassion has limits” we both got a kick out of that. When I first showed up at her house and saw that the car had OK plates I was hurt. Something so small but it showed she was moving forward. She saw my face and said “I know what you are thinking but I needed OK plates to get a job”

3. Submitted Change of Address form to USPS. OK. She kind of has to don’t you think.

4. Changed billing address on all statements (all she gets here now is junk mail). See point 2.

5. Walked away with check from me for household goods. A deal you agreed to.

6-8 All things she needs to do in order to be a responsible person.

9. Told me repeatedly "it is over, I am not coming back." How she is feeling right now is exactly how you already know she feels. This should not surprise you. Stay focused on the goal and be discipline with the principles of DB. I am telling you I am seeing a little bit of light. I can say my situation has gone from dead to the ICU. In most cases that is severe in my case I call it progress.

10. Told friends is over. My wife has done the same. It is over when you give up hope. Not before, only you know when it’s over.

11. Stopped wearing her wedding ring and anniversary band. Mine too. Hasn’t worn hers since December. She said they felt heavy to her. But she carries her band in her purse at least as of December anyways. Not really sure if she still does. They take off their rings for many reasons I wouldn’t be to concern with that even though I know it is a big blow.

12. Stopped calling me other than to use me as a furniture store. That’s ok also. Give her time and give her space. I bet she will call again when you least expect it. Just don’t sit by and wait for it, GAL and when she calls she calls.

FOBD This is the stage we are in right now friendly and only phone talk. I will post some more on your situation tomorrow cause it is 2:45AM


BITS

Re: Till death do us part... or she leaves... [Re: 2stepboogie] #2124135
01/27/11 10:09 AM
01/27/11 10:09 AM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 198
Texas
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dixiegal Offline
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dixiegal  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 198
Texas
FOBD,

I dont agree w/your C about filing for Divorce. NOBODY can make that call but, you when your ready. It concerns me that your C keeps talking about this. Maybe you should switch C and find one that wants to help you and save your marraige? Just a thought?

Your right, there is nothing on the list that is a deal breaker. You should call a DBing C to get the right feedback. But, I think your at that place where your not seeing much from her yet. It does not mean it wont turn around.

Just keep moving forward..keep your self busy w/friends or family. You can do it...you have come so far already. Least she is speaking to you!!!

Hang on friend...Praying for you!


Me: 40 H: 39
M: 17 yrs - Together 18 1/2yrs
No kids
Seperated: May 18, 2006
EA/Poss PA with OW for 6 months prior to leaving.
2nd Bomb dropped: Dec. 23, 2010
Re: Till death do us part... or she leaves... [Re: dixiegal] #2124141
01/27/11 12:29 PM
01/27/11 12:29 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 202
A big shoe
L
Lostinlife Offline
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Lostinlife  Offline
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L
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 202
A big shoe
If your C is telling you to file, I would consider another C.


M-38
W-37
T-16,M-11 (Oct 30,1999)
S-5
S-2
Wife left 7/4/2010

"When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?"
— Henry Rollins
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