Lighthouse lit until WAW comes out of fog 2

[MrBond]

"I took the massage oil/personal lubricant out of her medicine cabinet with me. Left label by sink so I know she saw it."

What was that for?

[habitacker]

I knew I would get asked that.

I took a massage class. You learn to give massage,and you get a massage. Might of been kind of dumb,but I got out of the house for a night.

[Denver_2010]

I knew I would get asked that.

I took a massage class. You learn to give massage,and you get a massage. Might of been kind of dumb,but I got out of the house for a night.

Now you are my hero Habit!!!! That is some major GAL and 180 if you ask me!!!

BITS!
Denver

[MrBond]

Okay but why did you take it with you and made it a point to show your W you took it?

[habitacker]

We were suppose to bring a massage oil with us.

As for why I wanted her to see it. I hadn't done anything in my sitch for so long, I guess I just wanted to see if there was some sort of reaction.

I actually didn't plan it. When I took it out of the cabinet it has a tag around it by a string. It fell off, and I remember going to pick it up, and then the thought came to me about her seeing it, so I left it. It was probably stupid, but it seemed like an idea at the time.

I don't know if I was looking for a jealous reaction or what. Maybe I saw something on a post about being mysterious.

[angel61]

Habit, Thanks for asking the blunt question. I also have difficulty there. I feel that there are many conflicting statements, ways to do it and so I end up totally confused.

Given a situation like ours: where spouses live together, one spouse wants a D, there are kids, there is no marital relationship, these are the conflicting advice I am getting:

1. Boundaries - some say need to set to keep self respect vs. not ready to set boundaries - some say do not set if not ready
2. Giving space, validating, agreeing (thus losing spouse' respect or being labeled a doormat or allowing spouse to eat cake ) vs. tough love (not putting up with cr*p behavious as Coach says, maybe pushing the D or S to happen, being conditional when saying choose between OM/OW/D and family, pushing spouse to leave because of having to make a choice, resulting in less time to work on DB, have feedback that DB is harder after legal S or D)
3. GAL, acting as if, being upbeat vs. going dark/dim - how can you show being upbeat if you are avoiding contact (like going to another room, separating, etc.)
4. Letting go - I get it when it means emotionally, but again, we are just human and being in the same house as your errant spouse, it is impossible not to feel anything at all!

The statement "she treats me like nothing is wrong". That actually means that she is not bringing up whats wrong, but we all know what is wrong. She is probably DBing you as well - R talk results in pain -she is also not wanting to talk about the situation - maybe she is afraid that you can make her change her mind as well? That you will make her see reason? I feel that sometimes about my H.

"She walk all over me" - no sex life, no respect - what could be done about that? I have the same dilemma. We can't force them to, right? In DB, we knowthat, and we can only try to change so we will gain respect. But is it not only right that if our spouses did not want sex we just respect that too? But if they act disrespectfully I think we have to ask for respect. I have called my husband on that, told him that at least I expect respect as a human being, if nothing else, or else he walks out the door. And he did acknowledge that, and changed.

[Phoenixdeux]

Forgive me if this is redundant. Several things I would like to answer.

1 There aren't many success stories posted cuz there aren't that many successes. Percentage wise

2) I think what coach was trying to say is that you aren't focused enough on you. Don't look to your wife much for her reaction to your actions. Do what you need to for yourself to become alright with the outcome, whatever it is. Be who you want to be. If she wants part of that..great, if not then you haven't lost much

3) she doesn't have to talk about the R because there isn't one as far as she's concerned. She wants out. She'll let you know otherwise.

4) if you are seeing no improvement then ask yourself why....you are either pursuing, not focused enough on yourself, or there is someone else (is there?). If she's cheating you win't matter as long as he's in the picture.

[2stepboogie]

I don't believe there is a blanket approach to all this. While all the principles are the same I think they are added as the situation dictates. I believe that is what they mean by doing what works.

habit,

I understand your frustration; I feel it also with my W. I briefly spoke to a MC who I couldn't afford but gave some very good advice. If your W is on one side of a room and you are on the other imagine the M as the door between you. The more you want to open that door the more, at this time, she is resistant. If you stop pushing on the door all together there is no tension therefore no reason for her to apply pressure. That could be called pursuing.

Also the object of validating as he explained it was also using an analogy. The more my W complained about me the more I agreed. This sounds crazy, and to tell you the truth it still sounds crazy sometimes but I have tried it. You know what happens? Exactly what he said would happen. The more she attacked and the less I resisted the more she began to come to my defense, After all you can't shoot an unarmed man. She would complain I would agree then she would say something along the line "I made mistakes also it wasn't all you" I was like what the hell?

It isn't fair that we make all the adjustments but in reality we aren't. We can only control what we do and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. At the end of the day regardless of the outcome we must prevail if nothing else at least for our sake. Don't make it easy on them by proving they are right make it hard by being the guy/gal we want to be. Right now none of us have much bargaining power with our W, but if you think they aren't hurting inside then you are missing the mark. I got a very out of character text from my W today completely out of the blue.

As for success stories, I would like to see some more also.

Coach if you are a success story I would love for you to check out my thread and give me an honest assessment of where you think I am in my M.

[habitacker]

Angel, I am with you, it can get confusing living together, but I am sure it is better than apart. So I am very thankful for that.

Phoenix,

I do not think I am pursuing.

I have gone through the reasons in the past why I think an A is unlikely. I am 96 percent sure on this. I really don't wish to explain all the reasons why again.

So, I must not be focused enought on myself. This I know.

The statement, Be who I want to be. I have heard this over and over. I want to be my W husband, I want to have a happy family. This is all I want, and all that is important to me. I can't change the way I feel, no more than I change the way my W feels.

My whole marriage and the first years of my children's lives have been wasted by me and my huge time consuming hobby's. I don't want that anymore. My GAL is my W and family. I do not know how to do any different. If this is what I want, why should I?

As for what I need to do for myself if things don't work out? Why can I not deal with that when the time comes. I am really tired of being told to prepare myself for the end of my marriage. I feel selfish worrying about myself, I put my W and kids way higher than myself on my priority list. If this is wrong, so be it.

Yes, fighting for my marriage is also about me and what I want, but a happy marriage is something that includes us all. When my family is at stake, I can care less what happens to me and what I want.

If this is somehow unattractive to a woman, scr#w em!

[habitacker]

2stepboogie,

Thanks for your post, my only problem is, almost all the advice I get is when you are talking to your spouse, such as validating.

My W don't talk. She's done. I have been doing everything I am supposed to be doing when there is no R talk to be trying to put a crack in the wall. It isn't cracking.

"Do what works" I am looking for something that works, so I can do it. If 4 months of complete seperation from R of any kind is not enough time, someone tell me so. I will keep chugging along. I just want to do what works, and I am looking for what does work.