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A Message from Michele
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Re: Need Insight IV [Re: InAPickle] #2123945
01/26/11 10:10 PM
01/26/11 10:10 PM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
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Jack_Three_Beans Offline
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Jack_Three_Beans  Offline
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While I agree with Coach on alot of things, we disagree on a few and I would not presume to speak for him.

From my point of view, if your wife is in an mLC the only thing that is going to wake her up, is herself. When she does, she'll look at how you handled everything.

If she is not, how are you going to show her what reality looks like?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Re: Need Insight IV [Re: Jack_Three_Beans] #2123973
01/26/11 11:12 PM
01/26/11 11:12 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
Jacksonville, FL
I
InAPickle Offline OP
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InAPickle  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
Jacksonville, FL
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

If she is not, how are you going to show her what reality looks like?


This is what I am talking about - another question.

First let me explain what her fantasy looks like.

Bear in mind that she hates her mother for doing exactly what she's doing, except back then her dad was deployed and her mother told him "don't come home." W and little brother were about the same age as my kids. W is scarred and conflicted.

Her fantasy is: we live as brother and sister until kids are old "enough" to handle seperation. Meanwhile she continues to pursue R with OM. She keeps her home and swimming pool and kids and househusband/handyman and goes on jaunts to Ohio every couple of months to see OM.

Reality is: I will not live with her while she pursues a romance with OM - period.

And I will claim half of everything - as much as the laws of the state of Florida allow.

She's painted me into a corner Jack.

PS> It irks me that without exposure the kids will never fully understand why Pops (fill in the blank).


Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Re: Need Insight IV [Re: InAPickle] #2123978
01/26/11 11:33 PM
01/26/11 11:33 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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Posts: 12,602
First of all, calm down. Everyone is trying to help you. There's no set rule of what you should or shouldn't do. That's up to you.

If you want to expose, go ahead. Have you thought of who you would expose to? If this is the route you intend to take, make sure you're protecting yourself because you don't know what kind of reaction she's going to have.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: Need Insight IV [Re: MrBond] #2123980
01/26/11 11:50 PM
01/26/11 11:50 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
Jacksonville, FL
I
InAPickle Offline OP
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InAPickle  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
Jacksonville, FL
I'm not planning on doing anything until I see the papers and consult with atty. I don't want to screw up the "reality" check.


Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Re: Need Insight IV [Re: InAPickle] #2123982
01/26/11 11:55 PM
01/26/11 11:55 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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MrBond  Offline
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Posts: 12,602
The paperwork for the D and the OM are two different things. Do you have proof of an OM?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: Need Insight IV [Re: InAPickle] #2123984
01/27/11 12:03 AM
01/27/11 12:03 AM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,157
D
dbmod Offline
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Posts: 2,157
Your best advice comes from your DB Coach. First--s/he knows what questions to ask you, better than any of us on the board. Everyone also presents their story slightly differenlty.

Second--your DB Coach is an expert. 'Coach', and none of the other folks on the board are experts. Everyone has an opinion, but it doesn't make it right. Even when someone mentions they've tried something and it worked, their marriage may have been saved due to lots of things they did, not the thing they attributed it to. Again, your DB coach is the person best equipped to help you.


dbmod
Re: Need Insight IV [Re: Denver_2010] #2124027
01/27/11 01:57 AM
01/27/11 01:57 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
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Denver_2010 Offline
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Colorado
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
Originally Posted By: InAPickle
Only after she's on her own can there be any progress in either direction.


I have kept up with your thread Pickle. I agree with your statement that I have quoted above.

BUT... you do not need to do this in a non-DB way. You seem very angry right now. VERY understandable. But not usually helpful.

Don't sink to the level where your W is right now. Don't let anger guide you and your actions man.

BITS
Denver


I'd also add that, IMO, you haven't given this enough time. I think that you do need space from W and need to get DARK. Remember, TIME AND PATIENCE.


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Re: Need Insight IV [Re: MrBond] #2124083
01/27/11 04:13 AM
01/27/11 04:13 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
Jacksonville, FL
I
InAPickle Offline OP
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InAPickle  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
Jacksonville, FL
Originally Posted By: MrBond
The paperwork for the D and the OM are two different things. Do you have proof of an OM?


Plenty of proof.

Three months of phone records - calls and texting every spare minute - hundreds.

Travel itinerary from Dec.
Travel notice from Orbitz for Feb.

OM facebook page.


Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Re: Need Insight IV [Re: Denver_2010] #2124085
01/27/11 04:20 AM
01/27/11 04:20 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
Jacksonville, FL
I
InAPickle Offline OP
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InAPickle  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
Jacksonville, FL
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
Originally Posted By: InAPickle
Only after she's on her own can there be any progress in either direction.


I have kept up with your thread Pickle. I agree with your statement that I have quoted above.

BUT... you do not need to do this in a non-DB way. You seem very angry right now. VERY understandable. But not usually helpful.

Don't sink to the level where your W is right now. Don't let anger guide you and your actions man.

BITS
Denver


I'd also add that, IMO, you haven't given this enough time. I think that you do need space from W and need to get DARK. Remember, TIME AND PATIENCE.


The only way to go dark is if we part ways.
D negotiations or at least threat of destroying the fantacy is actually going to be the best way to make her face the consequences.

Before D, I could not legally kick her out and I could not leave without risking her lawyer accusing me of abandonment.

But now I have leverage.

She had a fantasy in her head and as Gritter said, money would rain down from the sky. But now I have to play my hand.

Keep your fingers crossed, because I have detached.


Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Re: Need Insight IV [Re: Jack_Three_Beans] #2124139
01/27/11 12:17 PM
01/27/11 12:17 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,694
T
TimeHeals Offline
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Posts: 2,694
I think you get into trouble when you drag in the MLC as a key caveat that obscures all the particulars. It's the particulars that matter: stressors, ego-integrity, and so on.

I can't, for example, point to a wealth of recent logitudinal studies that support the actual existence of what you are calling a midlife crisis.

I can, on the other hand, point to studies like Susan Krauss Whitbourne's and many others that directly contradict popular assumptions (popular among the general public, but not so much with research Psychologists) supporting the midlife crisis as common feathre of adult development. In fact, pshychologists commonly regard that diagnosis and model as 'not helpful'.


M-47,W-40,No kids
D-filed 5/27/2010
Piecing - 10/21/2010
-=Soon to be banned=-
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