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A Message from Michele
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Re: Need Insight IV [Re: InAPickle] #2123616
01/26/11 04:30 AM
01/26/11 04:30 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
Jacksonville, FL
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InAPickle Offline OP
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InAPickle  Offline OP
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Jacksonville, FL
OMG - I think I'm finally detaching!


Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Re: Need Insight IV [Re: Coach] #2123710
01/26/11 02:00 PM
01/26/11 02:00 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
Jacksonville, FL
I
InAPickle Offline OP
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InAPickle  Offline OP
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Posts: 678
Jacksonville, FL
Originally Posted By: Coach
There is plenty you can do to influence your wife. It's not angry, immoral, being an A$$ or wrong. A predator is attacking your wife and family. Do you like sharing your wife with another man? Is what you are doing lining up with your core values? There is a reason you are angry. Make sure your actions line up with your values, decide on a healthy & productive plan and then act. (BTW anger is a good sign from your wife, it means she is still interested in you.)
Look around here on DB, do you seen any man with his wife in a affair getting anywhere? To quote my Greek FIL, "There is a hole in the soup."

Sure hope those books you ordered showed up.


Unfortuanately, W seems to have no problem with the predator.
Yes I love sharing my W with an OM - PUHLEASE, Do you have to even ask?

My core values have changed with the D. When I thought there was still a chance I was willing to "wait" and DB to see if that would work and endure the EA becuse he's 500 miles away.

My core values have always been for the sake of the kids and the home, to give DBing a chance. All for the kids, setting aside my pride and anger.

But with the D looming, everyting's changed. My only hope now is to shake the foundations of her fantasy world if that's even possible, all the while doing what is best for the kids - within the bounderies on NOT SHARING W WITH PREDATOR.


Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Re: Need Insight IV [Re: InAPickle] #2123733
01/26/11 02:58 PM
01/26/11 02:58 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 5,299
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Coach Offline
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Quote:
Unfortuanately, W seems to have no problem with the predator.


I bet she has a problem with how you have been behaving towards a threat to her and your family. She wants a man that will protect her and her family, this is hardwired in humans.

Quote:
My core values have changed with the D.
WTF does that mean?

Quote:
My core values have always been for the sake of the kids and the home, to give DBing a chance.


DB is a tool. Make sure you use the right tool for the job, it makes all the difference.

Quote:
Yes I love sharing my W with an OM - PUHLEASE, Do you have to even ask?


I ask because your actions show me that you are OK with it. Your wife thinks the same thing. Do you think what you have been doing is bringing more love into the relationship or pushing her away? If you think it is bringing more love please explain why? Why would being passive push her away?


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Re: Need Insight IV [Re: Coach] #2123785
01/26/11 04:42 PM
01/26/11 04:42 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
Jacksonville, FL
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InAPickle Offline OP
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InAPickle  Offline OP
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Jacksonville, FL
I think you're a few threads behind coach.
I followed my DB coach's advice.

W is hell bent on D and hell bent on OM.
AND !!!! You don't know her.

I may appear passive; but I have only been trying to prepare.
The D will sort everything out.

Only after she's on her own can there be any progress in either direction.


Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Re: Need Insight IV [Re: InAPickle] #2123819
01/26/11 05:45 PM
01/26/11 05:45 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
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Denver_2010 Offline
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Originally Posted By: InAPickle
Only after she's on her own can there be any progress in either direction.


I have kept up with your thread Pickle. I agree with your statement that I have quoted above.

BUT... you do not need to do this in a non-DB way. You seem very angry right now. VERY understandable. But not usually helpful.

Don't sink to the level where your W is right now. Don't let anger guide you and your actions man.

BITS
Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Re: Need Insight IV [Re: InAPickle] #2123847
01/26/11 07:12 PM
01/26/11 07:12 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 5,299
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No, I have read all of your threads.

Do it your way.

Cheers


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Re: Need Insight IV [Re: InAPickle] #2123848
01/26/11 07:14 PM
01/26/11 07:14 PM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
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Coach is trying to help Pickle, and what he is suggesting worked well for him.

He is right about the proper tools, got to know what the job is to know what tools to bring to bear on it.

You think your wife is in an MLC, check out the resource threads at the top of the MLC forum, if pieces fit, post there, the stance is more in line with what your are thinking. But don't make the situation fit because you want it too.

Learning to play ELO's Evil Woman is a bit...passive aggresive.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Re: Need Insight IV [Re: InAPickle] #2123913
01/26/11 09:29 PM
01/26/11 09:29 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
California
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angel61 Offline
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Don't think you have botched your situation. Even after D DB'ing might still work.
I always think that there is a reason for all that happens, that God won't give us what we can handle. Although I find myself praying and thinking that maybe He is miscalculating my strength.....
At least she is the evil one, not you.
(((( Hugs)))))


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Re: Need Insight IV [Re: Jack_Three_Beans] #2123917
01/26/11 09:38 PM
01/26/11 09:38 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
Jacksonville, FL
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InAPickle Offline OP
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InAPickle  Offline OP
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Jacksonville, FL
Look I am open to advice, but all I am getting are questions.

Coach: "I ask because your actions show me that you are OK with it."

Me: Please be specific??

Coach: "Your wife thinks the same thing. Do you think what you have been doing is bringing more love into the relationship or pushing her away?"

Me: What specifically??

Coach: "If you think it is bringing more love please explain why? Why would being passive push her away?"

Me: Nothing so far has been bringing more love. Being passive is pushing her away by signaling toleration of the EA.

JTB: "Coach is trying to help Pickle, and what he is suggesting worked well for him."

Me: What specifically is he suggesting? I am open to suggestions.

JTB: "He is right about the proper tools, got to know what the job is to know what tools to bring to bear on it."

Me: I am being served at 9:00 AM tomorrow. The only job left is to make present the cold reality and in the process destroy the fantasy.

Remember what I posted earlier: texting and phone calls every spare minute of every day, another planned rendevous in February.

If anyone has a better suggestion, please quit asking questions and be specific.


Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Re: Need Insight IV [Re: Jack_Three_Beans] #2123918
01/26/11 09:40 PM
01/26/11 09:40 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
Jacksonville, FL
I
InAPickle Offline OP
Member
InAPickle  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
Jacksonville, FL
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Learning to play ELO's Evil Woman is a bit...passive aggresive.



I enjoyed it, it was a tribute to the present version of W.
The adorable person I married is gone.


Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
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