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#2122735 01/23/11 04:54 PM
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In April we will have been married 4 years.
We have no kids. I am 24 and my wife is 25.

Long long story short, I think I have a WAW coupled with two affairs. My wife is also currently deployed to Afghanistan, and gets home in about two months.

Short story longer:
I was a video game addict. I have a strong desire to be the best in whatever I set my mind to, and to do so in video games you have to put in the time to practice. I spent more time playing on the computer than spending with my wife and it made her feel worthless. Like I loved a video game more than her. I of course know otherwise, but as one of the principal points of this site/book state: it's the actions that matter.

Both of us are in the military, and I deployed to Afghanistan about Feb last year, and during that time she didn't have any friends. So she went on a group motorcycle ride put on by a local forum, and met a guy. She had an affair with him. I returned from Afghanistan in late May, and it was still continuing but I knew something was different about my wife. My wife volunteered for a deployment to Afghanistan, and the training started in July.

I knew we were having a tough time in our marriage, and I really felt like she was running away and not giving me a chance. She left for training at the beginning of July, and met another male. They began their affair, and the first guy rode down to spend time with Julie, found out about the other guy, and "broke up."

My wife came back from training, completely different. Ie. massive life changes. She was completely secretive about everything, she was always on her phone, she even started smoking. She hated smokers. So two days after her being back, I blew up. "What is going on?" her reply "I don't want to do this anymore." "What do you mean?" "I don't want to be married anymore." and I proceeded to break down. Two days later I found out about her affair through text messages on her phone.

Since then I have been trying to be the loving husband that I think would win her back.

I completely quit video games in Sept, deleted all of them in November and made a Facebook post about it. (but didn't ask my wife about if she had read it or not, I know she had to have). This change I made for me, I actually joined the Air Force to give them up, but it took me 5 years and the threat of divorce to make me go through with it. I'm proud of myself for making it happen though.

Her mother, as well as my own both know about the affair (singular). I only recently found out about the first guy, because he approached me two weeks ago and said "Yea, sorry. I lied to you. <Wife> and I did have sex." So I've confided in my Mom about that, not her's.

I have received extremely limited contact with my wife, two phone calls since she left in Sept. Her last email to me was in Nov, when I told her that our mothers knew and it said "If I had even been thinking of making it work, you just killed it." I exposed it based upon some advice from others, and was expecting her to say that.

We chat a few times a week, but I have been mostly successful about not bringing up the relationship, although I slip about once a month when my emotions take over. Lately our chatting has been better, the conversations are more two ways.

So my questions to y'all:
What should I do? (see what I did there?)
She is deployed, and I am having trouble setting up some 1-2 week goals to measure success by. What could be some goals for me?

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Begin by reading Divorce Remedy.


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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Posts: 15
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Wow no replies. What does that mean?

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Thank you for the reply, that book is actually what brought me to this website.

I am having a difficult time figuring out where to start.

The only goal I can come up with is to get her to send me an email. I need more goals.

As far as techniques go, I was curious as to how to proceed. The first one I come to is "do something different."

Based on advice from others, I send my wife a daily email saying pretty much "Here is something that happened today, I miss you, I'm thinking about you. I love you." Occasionally I'll purposefully not send it, the idea being that she will wonder whats up and think about me. The person that suggested it said "getting you in her head is a good thing."

Now this is where I question goals. I have been doing this for about two months now, and I have actually noticed our conversations improving. She has even referenced some of the emails, but I really don't think she reads all of them.

Is this a good or bad practice?

The other question I am pondering is if I'm at the "extreme" to which I should resort to the LRT.

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Hi What--

I want to thank you for serving and for your wife's service in the military.

I'm glad you are goal and solution oriented, it will serve you well even though they are hard to set.

How often is your wife responding to your emails? What are the conversations like?

I'm glad you found us, 'What' (feel like I'm playing 'who's on first'). Don't get discouraged by 'full moderation' posts which make things go slow. It will soon go more quickly.

Folks here care and are here to help you. You are not alone.


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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Originally Posted By: WhatShouldIDo
Thank you for the reply, that book is actually what brought me to this website.

I am having a difficult time figuring out where to start.

The only goal I can come up with is to get her to send me an email. I need more goals.

As far as techniques go, I was curious as to how to proceed. The first one I come to is "do something different."

Based on advice from others, I send my wife a daily email saying pretty much "Here is something that happened today, I miss you, I'm thinking about you. I love you." Occasionally I'll purposefully not send it, the idea being that she will wonder whats up and think about me. The person that suggested it said "getting you in her head is a good thing."

Now this is where I question goals. I have been doing this for about two months now, and I have actually noticed our conversations improving. She has even referenced some of the emails, but I really don't think she reads all of them.

Is this a good or bad practice?

The other question I am pondering is if I'm at the "extreme" to which I should resort to the LRT.


Go back to DR and read the LRT chapter. When are we suppose to implement LRT? Is that your sitch? If so, you need to stop sending emails telling her that you miss her or that you love her. That is pursuing. A no no in LRT.

If your first goal is to get her to email you, you might consider going dark for a period. Maybe 2 or 3 weeks. See if this piques her curiosity. BTW, I do think that this is a good beginning goal, but you might phrase it that your goal is to get her to contact you. A phone call would be better???

She needs to wonder what is going on with you for a change...


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 15
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You're welcome sgctxok.

My wife has never responded to my emails, she just mentioned the content of some of them. For example, in one of them I said that I was having a rough day. Then the next day when I chatted with her, she asked why I was having a rough day.

Our conversations are very limited, and just small talk. Basically how our day went. She'll tell me a little bit about work, and how the people there drive her nuts because they are lazy. I'll listen and try to be empathetic. The other night when trying to compliment her, I ended up coming across as lecturing and she ended the conversation saying "You know why I don't tell you have I really feel about <insert non-important item>, I don't want the lecture from you that follows."

Conversation with her is something that I struggle with, I want to delve into "Come back, it'll be different, look at what has already changed, I forgive you, etc" so badly that I struggle with keeping a normal conversation. It's like we have nothing to really talk about other than the cats and how our day went.

Thank you for the welcome, and I'm glad you mentioned the "full moderation." It was indeed discouraging.

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Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
Originally Posted By: WhatShouldIDo
Thank you for the reply, that book is actually what brought me to this website.

I am having a difficult time figuring out where to start.

The only goal I can come up with is to get her to send me an email. I need more goals.

As far as techniques go, I was curious as to how to proceed. The first one I come to is "do something different."

Based on advice from others, I send my wife a daily email saying pretty much "Here is something that happened today, I miss you, I'm thinking about you. I love you." Occasionally I'll purposefully not send it, the idea being that she will wonder whats up and think about me. The person that suggested it said "getting you in her head is a good thing."

Now this is where I question goals. I have been doing this for about two months now, and I have actually noticed our conversations improving. She has even referenced some of the emails, but I really don't think she reads all of them.

Is this a good or bad practice?

The other question I am pondering is if I'm at the "extreme" to which I should resort to the LRT.


Go back to DR and read the LRT chapter. When are we suppose to implement LRT? Is that your sitch? If so, you need to stop sending emails telling her that you miss her or that you love her. That is pursuing. A no no in LRT.

If your first goal is to get her to email you, you might consider going dark for a period. Maybe 2 or 3 weeks. See if this piques her curiosity. BTW, I do think that this is a good beginning goal, but you might phrase it that your goal is to get her to contact you. A phone call would be better???

She needs to wonder what is going on with you for a change...


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 15
Z
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Posts: 15
As per your advice I have re-read the chapter. (many times actaully lol) and I do fit the criteria that she is said in no uncertain terms that she wants to get a divorce. Well strangely enough she has never actually said the word divorce, but she has said that she wants to end it and doesn't want to work on it.

The rest of the criteria I don't know about, due to her being deployed. Our communication is limited by distance and terrible communication capabilities. Physical contact, yea don't really have to explain that one. But she has not filed, I don't know if this is because she is gone or she is still uncertain. There are so many unknowns while she isn't actually here.

Because of her being deployed I am hesitant to implement the LRT. She currently has no opportunity to see changes take place in me, which from what I understand is a large part of the LRT. Care packages are also far more important than most people think. Having been deployed multiple times that care packages are a HUGE boost, no matter who they are from. LRT would mean no more care packages (no gifts). I am scared that at this time that would do more harm than good.

What do y'all think?
Is fear clouding my judgment, or do I have a valid point?

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