Newbie post What to do now

[JustStunned]

Ok so here goes. I don’t normally post to online boards and the abbreviations seem like another language. I have copied them to a cheat sheet so to speak to aid me. I have been lurking here since a week after the bomb. I found DR and began to read within days. Ms Davis should have been a familiar author as the W and I had purchased, but never read another of her books about the sex starved marriage. W’s passive resistance has been an ongoing issue over the last 29 years, not a constant issue more of a see saw. When she has said “Yes I will”, but places no effort in it I have learned not to push. It only entrenches the resistance and a lot of what we’ve begun over the years has been abandoned because of this. My fault for not trying something else harder I guess.
So here is my tale of woe, if I could not find some humor here I would fall apart. I tend to tell things chronologically so please bear with me.

My W ran away from home at 18. The MIL is bi polar (diagnosed). My W seemed to bear the brunt of her anger when cycling down and the FIL was not an effective shield. It got much worse after my W reached puberty and was diagnosed with epilepsy. I think part of what lead to her decision to D is she believed herself trapped in an angry environment again. We were caught in a rut when arguing about something. She would retreat inside and I would press to get a reaction. I know now I should have backed off and let her react, but sometimes her reaction would take days to be revealed if at all. Please to not misinterpret we have resolved many issues and differences and grown together in 29 years. We have had a lot of fun together and up until Mid December 2010 we were firming plans for how we would spend the rest of our lives together. I thought we were in lock step here because she was actively participating. She was about 5 yrs from retiring and I was about 15 to 18 yrs barring a catastrophe. Our communication issues had been escalating, but we seemed to be working well and communicating effectively about future plans and shopping for the holidays. I though we had turned a corner so to speak.

Our S enlisted in the Marine Corps met and married a female Marine in the last year. Our DIL’s mother has sufficient issues to impair her ability to live by herself and my W made it her mission to fix the problems she was having. My W is a healthcare professional in long term care and rehabilitation. Adding another person to take care of in August caused strain in our relationship. This MIL is our age and frankly all I could see is our priority’s reordered without consultation or care for my feelings and opinions. When I expressed myself about this my W retreated and I pressed. Her eventual reaction was “deal with it”. We have been dealing with aging parents and deaths in the family for years. I watched my parents care for a disabled older half sister. The constant sacrifices they made in their lives and required of us the other children were sometimes extensive. It felt like more piling on.

In the past five years our marriage has been essentially sexless. We would ML about once every six weeks. The W would initiate sex on a Saturday morning about once a month. I make a distinction between ML and let’s get this over with quickly because I feel guilty. I have ED and was not always able to perform. This of course led to other conflicts. When we were able to plan to ML my W generally drank to relieve inhibitions, sometime too much. I have felt bad she had to get drunk to ML with me.

In October my W changed to a new GYN. This doctor prescribed an anti depressant purportedly to treat a long term issue resulting from her endometriosis. She had a hysterectomy years ago and has been on HRT since. In November we began to notice undesirable side effects and she discontinued the med without Dr Supervision on December 15, 2010. I only mention this as it seems germane as a possible trigger point not the cause of our marital difficulties.

On December 21st she met with her L and announced to most of the family gathered for Christmas her intentions to D. She did not inform me until Jan 1, 2011. I can only imagine the strain this placed on our kids, Sister IL, DIL, nieces and nephews as they kept up a brave front and tried not to ruin the holiday. The SisterILs and one Aunt advised MC and to be certain of her decision. She refuses MC and is adamant the D must happen quickly. She wishes this to be over by April as in May our DIL separates from the MC and our S deploys. She has stated she will find a little place and make a home for our DIL while our S is deployed. I have spoken with our S and the DIL is not planning on moving in with my W. Frankly I think she is smart to distance herself from the drama.

In announcing her intentions to me on Jan 1 she said she is turning 50 this year and while ILYBNILWY. This is not where I saw myself at fifty. Our goals are not the same anymore. The plans we made were your plans not mine. You have dominated me, controlled me and abused me for too long. I have carefully watched our relation ship for the last four weeks and I am determined to follow through with this decision. I have made this decision and that is final. She presented her terms and moved to our S old room. She stayed in the house for about a week while we gathered documentation her L wanted. She has established separate bank accounts and we are speaking about splitting financial obligations. She moved out last week while I was at work leaving me a note. She is currently living with her Aunt in the next town.

I made mistakes at first challenging her decision, pleading for MC, asking her to slow the pace so we could go to MC and several others. I picked up DR and have been DB’ing for about two weeks. My short term goals are to get my W to take a breath and contemplate the consequences to her decision. She seems to think life will go on as before, that eventually we will all be happy with her and see the wisdom of her decision. She does not see a downside though it is apparent to me, our children and the family in general and see a MC myself, that is scheduled for Thursday morning.

I am trying to keep a PMA, and GAL. I have 180ed my actions and I am trying to distance myself from her hateful rhetoric. She is very angry and has attempted to push my buttons for an angry response. This will only serve to justify further her decision. I think she has to justify her decision to herself and others, being angry helps her with that. Where I used to rise like a trout to a fly I am refusing to play this game. I have gone dark not initiating contact, but responding to her calmly. I have maintained some contact with the SistersIL and our D has become a source of solace. Our D is 27 and moved out of the home at 18.

W has made plans for us to meet at our home and for us to clean for a couple of hours over several days each week while the D is prepared. She said we made this mess together we should clean it together. She has made plans in conflict with her cleaning schedule so I have begun to do so also. I don’t know what else to try here and I know I have only just begun.

She softened slightly yesterday. Our children have been privy to the terms she presented and the financial impact to each of us they present. The children do not want the home to be lost and expressed this to my W, without my knowledge or prompting. She has contacted her L and told him to remove the house from the equation. She informed me of this last night by a phone call. I remained non committal telling her my L would need to advise me regarding this change in terms. I told my L I am in no hurry to conclude this, at least not in the few weeks’ contemplation we have had. The W met with a clergy member she trusts last night. I have called him and asked to speak with him; I am still waiting on a return call about this. To place this in context of this board it seems to me W is in a MLC and has walked away. Our D a psychology major told me my W actions and statements are in line with a MLC.
So what am I missing? What else can I try next if these don’t begin to slow the pace of this rollercoaster?

[dbmod]

^bumping for responses

[Queen_of_Swords]

You have my utmost sympathy. Seems you are in the car of ahead of me but on the same ride.
Frankly from the last few days and postings on MLC I've read, all we can do is hang the heck on, fasten our safety belts, and detach.
I will direct you the thread started by me entitled Someone Suggest H is having MLC....I don't know? Here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=2121924#Post2121924

One of the first posts has a resource list on MLC by Cadet to get you started. I'm not through all of it, but steadily working through it as I can.

I'll hold your hand and we can both scream.

[Truegritter]

Stunned

While I normally wouldn't steer someone over to the Mid Life Crisis Forum right away, it might be a good idea that you read the resources over there.

After you read you can determine if that (MLC) is what you're dealing with.

In any event you will find support here.

Keep posting.

Can you give your and your W's age?

Also I can surmize that growing up with a bipolar mother she meets the criteria of childhood trauma.

Usually there is something to trigger the MLC, is there anything you can point to recently (last couple of years)?

[JustStunned]

Thanks for the replies Scylla_Charibdis and Truegritter,

I have lurked on the MLC forum and read quite a bit. So much to pour over and try to assimilate. It is ovewhelming. I really feel more like weeping than screaming. Thanks for the support. I just don't understand how one can toss away 29 yrs with a few weeks consideration. I guess I have become the mother she ran away from. In her mind anyway.

She's 49, and she ran into an old crush from High School last fall. She made a big deal out of friending him on FB and telling her life story. His third marriage is crumbling. I am not ready to face my fears about that yet.

The W came over today "To clean the mess we made together" I think this is more about seperating the things she still wants than cleaning. It felt good to do someting together even if it is seperating our things. I kept neutral. She was heated a few times. I think she was attempting to provoke a reaction.
Her Aunt came with her. W will only visit if she has someone with her. She says she is afraid I will get violent. I think she belives it. I never have. Our agurments never went past raised voices and typically resolved within a day. I think it is important for her to believe I am evil and abusive. I helps rationalize her decision. Trouble is her support is buying into this fantasy. I will have a private conversation with her Aunt tonight. I intend to challenge the things she has been saying about me and show the Aunt I am leaving the door open for MC. Someone over there has to listen if only for a moment to myside. I have no illusions this will be kept private still I have to try.

I feel better just posting this THANKS

[Denver_2010]

Stunned - Join the club man. I wish that I were in a better state of mind to give you some thoughts. This is the roller coaster of your life if you hang on... In the span of 72 hours I have been on cloud 9 and pushed off that cloud to be crushed like a grape. Good times.

[wanda15]

Keep posting and posting. It will help you! I am not new to these boards but I am new this time around. just getting back into DBing again. Try to stay as positive as you can and don't worry about what other people are thinking. Change for yourself and only for you, It doesn't work any other way!

I am so sorry you are in pain. This is a great community for support. Everyone here knows what it feels like and everyone just wants to help.

[JustStunned]

Thanks Wanda15,
Just got back from the AuntIL. I think I was able to communicate pretty well. At least poke a few holes in the stories told. She did agree to encourage MC if she believed it would be favorably received. I am taking that as a plus. One day at a time. Keep with the program. I have to be in this for the long haul.

Moderator: Where/how do I place the H: W: Bomb dropped etc. at the bottom of posts. I tried sig, but that didn't work. Is there a guide, sorry social media and the like are new.

[JustStunned]

Sorry Truegritter I did not fully read your post. I am 52, W is 49, 2 C D 27 S 24.
The assited living place where the son's MIL is staying is creating some havoc in my Ws life. Feels strange not to be helping her deal with it.

[dbmod]

We have had a few issues with the signature line. I placed a notification to our administrator. Try again in about 24-48 hours.