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Pickle,
I want to second the motions here. Stop what you are doing. Next time she is rude to you or ignores you. Smile and walk away. Go find a quiet place and read DR. Get your game plan in place and use it. I did not see one positive reaction from my W until I had a game plan and stuck to it. Yes, it was very difficult and I am still very, very scared. But you have to stick to it for yourself and your M. Is she still acts like a jerk to you, you may want to adjust your plan. But, please stop going after her. You can't win that game and you will only hurt yourself in the process. Good luck!

FOBD


Me: 39
W: 36
T: 15 yrs
M: 9 yrs
S: 09/10

So you can get on with your search, baby
And I can get on with mine
And maybe someday we will find,
That it wasn't really wasted time...
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This is a delicate sitch as they say.

I stopped pursuing after reading DR in October/November.

I have been about as detached as I can get with W still in the same house.

I have been GALing as far as taking care of my own "fun" so to speak.

180's are more subtle things like not complaining about her spending and doing more fun stuff with the kids, but nothing that's going to appear fake. I'm not going to go 180 if it's not genuine.

I don't see her missing me at all while still living together and she's texting and calling OM it seems every spare minute from the phone records. She does not know I've seen the records.

Neither one of us can afford to move out and neither one of us wants to be away from kids or disrupt their lives. I wouldn't want to be accused of abandonment if D ever happens.

So that in a nutshell is why I am in waiting mode.

The long distance EA with exH will either grow or fizzle, neither of which I have any control of. If she really wants the D, she'll have to initiate legal action.

Today's her B-day and though I did say HB this morning, I did not even get her a card (technically). I did get one for the kids to sign and give her. I made myself go to the bathroom when she opened it. I don't think that's pursuing.

And no I have not come up with any other plan. Still wondering what to do (or not do).


Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
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I admire you Pickle. I have no idea how you or any other of these fine DB'ers can hold back from calling out W on PA's and EA's...

I would be absolutly beside myself and could not hold back for even a moment.

I'm sure that would work against me and make my W leave. Or maybe she would wake up and come running back. I guess you have to be willing to take that chance. And for my own sanity I would be willing to take that chance.

I guess my reasoning is this: If my W is having A while she is my WIFE (I had to spell it out), Then that's not what I want for a W... I guess I would figure that there MUST be someone better out there for me... Would I be in extreme pain, dang right! But I would be in MORE pain letting it go on...

This is just MHO... In all sincerity, I truly respect your ability to hold back.


M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14
EA - July 2010
NC w/EA - Nov 2010
Piecing - Jan 2011
I ask for div - Jan 2012
Div papers filed - Mar 2012
I move out - July 2012
Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
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Are you ok with what your doing Pickle?

I know its hard, your logic is sound, just make sure it doesn't eat you up.

Your 180's are smart, obtainable and done for the right reason.

Good for you man.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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SBH, I tell you, its hard to hold back but smetimes, what is your choice, really?

I have been on both sides - at first I let H have EA , with him acting almostjust like Pickle's W - texting, calling OW every spare minute, although the difference was that he would at times try to be nice to me, be a was being a friend - which made it a bit more bearable.

Then I tried the hard line stance- ultimatum. I did get what I wanted, but it was a huge risk. Although at that point, OW had cut off contact with H, so I was confident he wouldn't choose to leave us.

Now I think they are back in contact, and hiding. That tells me many things. One is that OW probably is reciprocating now and so the situation is more dangerous than ever. The only reason I see that H might be staying is that she does not want to lose D12. So I am not able to enforce the boundaries that I had set earlier.

So I am back in the same situation as Pickle... detaching, living each day with a roomate, not even a friend, maybe in the hopes that things will someday fizzle, pass away, hoping that each month, year that passes will make both me and D12 stronger for the day that H will leave.

Status quo is better than all the pain that divorce will bring, I figure. Think about it - lawyers, court dates, finances, childcare issues ....ugghhh! True, sometimes I feel like I have stuck my head into my as* so I won't have to deal with it, but another rationlization is that time is gold.


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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Originally Posted By: Sad_but_happy
I admire you Pickle. I have no idea how you or any other of these fine DB'ers can hold back from calling out W on PA's and EA's...
.


Is this case I had to decide what would work and what would not, keeping in mind the ultimate goal of saving the M.

I tried the hard tack, but it only seemed to steel her resolve about ending the M (very pigheaded W).

First goal was to postpone D at least until after the holidays. Controlling the anger and other emotions helped.

I also had to accept the reality that I have no control over W and OM.

Then I had to come to terms with being 50% responsible for the failure of our R. Otherwise, after 18yrs how could she be so easily seduced? What kind of person would cultivate a R with another person before ending it with their spouse, certainly not the person I married?

The first month was terrible, couldn't function, emotional basket case. Second month was not much better. I'm in the third month now and more detached.

It helps that OM lives in OH, while we're in FL. I don't know what I'd do if he were within PA distance. She did visit OM one w/e in Dec for a Browns/Bengals game, but I cannot "presume" anything. It wouldn't do me any good anyway to think about it. And that has been half the battle, not torturing myself with snooping and wild imagination. It does no good and inhibits detachment.

Next goal, postpone D for another month. A few weeks ago, she told S17 that mom and dad would get D at the end of January. We'll wait and see.


Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
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Whoops, I meant D17 in that last sentence.


Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
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You're doing all that you can do Pickle. And, while there was a time when I would have jumped on SBH's bandwagon about A's, I think that you are doing the right thing.

SBH - I understand what you are saying, but honestly, no one really knows how they will truly react to any given situation until they are actually faced with it. That's something that I've definitely learned through this process. There are just so many factors that can be involved with each particular sitch. There really isn't any true "black and white" area with any of these situations. Most of us, if not all, are dealing with gray. That is the reality once we find ourselves here.


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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Honestly folks, I'm driving by the seat of my pants and navigating by dead reckoning; it's all instinct and intuition.

Or - I hope it is grace.

God only gives you the grace to handle something, during the times you actually need it. That's why it is so difficult for us to grasp how some people handle or survive in certain situations, when we have only our imaginations and not the experience.

If it makes you feel better SBH, if OM ever shows up, I have an aluminum baseball bat with his name on it.


Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
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Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Are you ok with what your doing Pickle?
.


I dunno Jack.
I dunno.


Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
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