New Here - Wife Leaving

[27YearsandOut]

After rereading my post from last nite - I see I was all over the place. That's ok, my mind is kinda scrambled right now anyway! Just to add a bit, and try and clarify:

While I think that she has been contemplating this for awhile, she never, ever let me know about it. Every time I would ask her how things are, she would say Don't worry about it, we're fine.

MrBond asked what I thought made the OM more attractive - I think he is an escape vehicle for her. Tells her all the right things, no pressure about what she should or shouldn't be doing. For instance - and this is just an example - it would be like her mentioning to me that she wanted a tattoo and I said You know those are permanent. What will it look like when you are 60? You are not a kid anymore. I'm sure the OM's response would be something like Yeah, that would be sooo sexy. Again, just an example, but I imagine this is what the OM offers. No reality to deal with. No bills. No money issues (at least yet!). No laundry or housework. I'm sure you know that drill. Another thing is, while she still won't admit to it, she is acting like she is loyal and protective of THAT relationship, not our M. Too many details there to fully explain here, but that is what it seems like to me.

Looking back, I think maybe one of our biggest problems would be communication. Like I said, she never let me know what she was thinking. Maybe I do something to make her feel she can't talk to me, I don't know. I am kind of opinionated and hold very strongly to what I think is right. Maybe that's a factor. I know that she knows I love her and that I think she is the one. I tell her all the time, and do my best to show her, as well. Am I effective? I don't know. She just keeps telling me that she doesn't care about being loved, SHE wants to be the one head over heels in love.

I think the catalyst for all of this is because the majority of the time since she was 18 (now44) has been being a mother and a wife, her exposure to new hobbies and friends have created what she sees as an alternative to what she has now. Their group does their thing, then they go out for a bite afterwards, or a drink. Coincidentally, our 24 yr old daughter moved into her own apt with her girlfriend about a year ago. I think my wife is a little jealous of the way she comes and goes, has hardly any housework compared to our rather large house, and lives a single lifestyle (read doing whatever she wants with no explanation to anyone).

I think now with the OM, the talks with her atty friend where she found out what she may be entitled to alimony wise plus my pension and 401, all make it seem like this will be easy and she will have plenty of money. She may have been hanging around because she thought she couldn't afford to leave - and probably still can't the way she thinks - but I think she sees the amount and thinks it's plenty, not realizing all the expenses we share now she will have to pick up on herself.

So, I need to emphasize - according to her I will be getting served my papers right after the new year. I DO NOT want a D, but realize I may have to prepare for one to protect myself. A guide that I purchased said my best strategy is to get the D finalized as fast as possible to get the best "deal". In fact, called it critical. So I am torn between trying to save my M, and ending it as fast as possible. Keep in mind the atty said she very well could qualify for LIFETIME support.

I am not moving out. She seems to not have an interest in it just yet (waiting for the money, I'm sure), and the atty said I cannot force her out.

What I need to know is what do I need to do RIGHT NOW. Before I get the papers, and even immediately right after.

Do I move into another room in the house?

Do I let her know that I am aware of the OM?

When do I tell the kids (26, 24 21)?

Do I tell them about the OM? Consensus seems to be no.

Anything else?

Thanks again, will check in again later this evening.

James

[27YearsandOut]

Can I get a bump?

[angel61]

The way you describe her - rewriting your history, acting like a young woman, suddenly being a person you don't know anymore - may be sympotms of MLC.

In the meantime, I will pass on to you advice from my therapist that helped me greatly:

1. You can only control yourself, not other people, not your wife. Focus on yourself, take care of yourself.
2. Do not do anything on impulse. Keep calm, and I know its so hard to do when your world is crumbling, but it is better than losing your temper, being angry, or having a meltdown.

Read on....

[27YearsandOut]

Hi, again. I asked for a bump because I had a new, fairly long post and it didn't show up. Anyway, I was trying to add to and clarify my situation. In no particular order:

I AM NOT moving out. Evidently, she doesn't plan on it either, until the D is final.

Yes, we still sleep in the same bed. She even slides all the way over to my side until we are touching. I will turn on my side away from her, and she will slide up against me again. This is how we fall asleep every night.

If she does what she said she would, I should be getting served papers any day now.

I have purchased TDR and DB, as well as the Shirley Glass book. Going ahead with trying to better myself, and my own life. Just not sure if it will be with her, or without her.

Had a small talk with her New Years Eve Day. She was in a really bad mood from the moment she came out of the bedroom. Every answer was really short and terse. After one particularly nasty remark, I told her I would not allow her to talk to me that way. If she did, I would get up and leave the room. She made some remark about leaving. I then said, I do not want a divorce. But I will not stand in your way of leaving. BUT, I will not cooperate or help you in any way. If you want to do this, you will do it on your own. She replied with Legally, you have no choice. My response was Do what you have to do then. And I left the room. No further talk about our R or the D since that time.

I am trying to detach, but as you all know it's very hard. I'm not sure whether to engage in conversation or not. It's never about anything serious, just endless small talk mostly on her part. I try to seem aloof. Not sure if that is the right move at this point, or not. Do I detach? Or try to capitalize and emphasize the good times when they are happening (small as they may be)?

I need to know, do I tell her that I know about her EA? I got the records from our carrier yesterday. 2500 texts between the two of them in about 8 weeks. Plus a secret call or two almost every day. I am almost certain that we would at least have a chance if the OM wasn't in the picture - but he is and she seems to be obsessed with her ideas of this relationship (fantasy? or means to escape?). Almost seems to be protective of THAT relationship over her marriage. Do I say anything?

What about my kids (26,23,21). They don't know W has asked for a D. Do I tell them? When? What about her EA - do I tell them about that?

I know that I am in a long process here, and it is just starting. I also know that there is a good chance that D is probable (at this point). Time to worry about that later. Right now I just need to know how to handle the info for the kids, and whether or not I come clean on knowing about the EA. Any help here would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

James

[27YearsandOut]

Well, came across an email from my wife to her lawyer. The complaint has been filed this week, and I should be served at any time. My head is on a swivel for any stranger that walks anywhere near me. It [censored]. I'm guessing that I will gather the kids together and tell them on the weekend after I receive my papers. I'm not looking forward to it - pretty sure my kids will be as crushed as I am. We have always made family our number one priority and I have done anything needed to protect it. Now it seems like its being ripped apart, and I'm helpless to stop it from happening.

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi 27,
Man that is awful. I am so sorry for you sitch. The helplessness in these sitch's is devastating. I am in a much better sitch at the moment but I have to tell you that my trust has been shattered due to this experience. I almost feel like leaving my W today even though I love her just so I don't have to endure the POSSIBLE pain of W leaving in the future. Kind of like getting the pain over with now. It just shows that nothing in life is guaranteed.

This is why people lose trust and refuse to fall in love a second time. I know if my W leaves me it will take years before I allow 100% complete trust. At the same time, I will be the best possible partner, HOPEFULLY to my W, but if not her than to the woman that I deserve and that deserves me.

As for you W I'm sure she believes that this OM is her sole-mate. She is running the very real risk of waking up one day with no H, no OM, and no family...

As for exposing the EA I would do it. But that's just me. Also, your kids are old enough to know everything. I would tell them that you want to stay M but their mom has decided to go a different path. No reason to be mean or vindictive, just the facts, plain and simple.

I know what you're going through because when my W first told me she had EA and wanted out, I was consumed with pain. Unlike anything I ever felt. I am really praying for you 27...

[InLikeFlynn]

Inform the kids immediately keep the pressure on!!! Don't let her set the timetable to spin her version of events to make you look bad. Keep her on the defensive.

[27YearsandOut]

Thanks for the advice - really appreciate it.

Last nite was bad. She was snooping around in my email and found an email that I found while snooping around in her email. (Make sense?)LOL! I had forwarded it to myself and my sister, who is the only person on my side that I have told. The W was furious. I said yes, I was snooping - but so were you. I feel terrible that we have been reduced to this, spying, suspicious of everything double checking stuff, phone records, etc. But I had to know what was going on.

Now that I have confirmed my suspicions of EA, I think I need to just let it go. I mean it has consumed me since I first found out she wanted to leave. It is doing me no good obsessing about whether she is texting him, seeing him on her lunch hour, or even thinking about him. I was getting obsessed with her obsession, which I'm sure can't be healthy.

I do wonder if it has turned physical, but have no real proof of that - in fact I think it probably has not. Like I have mentioned earlier, she has taken the position that she is going to protect that relationship. She doesn't want anyone to think that he was the guy that broke up our marriage, and she doesn't want our kids to not like him. She wants to keep it so secret, that everyone will think that she left me for other reasons, and that she met him and started their relationship after the fact. Like everything was done properly. And everyone will approve of their relationship. And everyone will approve of her choice. And everyone will like him. Whatever.

I know what you mean about telling the kids and putting pressure on. Believe me - I want to get my spin in first so bad. BUT, that is me wanting to hurt her like she has hurt me. And I don't want to include the kids in on that. I have to remind myself that they are not tools in our relationship, but victims. I want them to have normal lives (as much as they can) and have normal, healthy relationships of their own. Their happiness is of utmost importance to me.

I think I will tell them just enough to know what and why. These things have a way of revealing themselves over time. I think that after awhile they will realize just exactly what happened, and I will not have been the bad guy for trying to make their mother look bad. In other words, I think that I will let her look bad on her own. I don't want her to have any ammo for trying to turn the kids against ME!

[27YearsandOut]

The latest.

Last nite she asked me if I had talked to a divorce lawyer yet. I replied that I hadn't, even though I have one time. She told me that I had better, she recommended it. I said I'm not gonna bother, this is your decision and I'm not gonna assist you in the process. At which point she asked me if I wanted to be served papers while at work, or if I wanted to go to her lawyer and pick them up. I said Do what you have to do. Well, she says, I just thought out of respect for you. I told her if she had any respect for me she wouldn't be doing the types of things that she is doing (EA, at the least). She ignored this and said well to save you embarrassment. I answered I have nothing to be embarrassed about - I have done nothing embarrassing.

At this point I told her that I had something to confess, that I had to come clean. I said that I hated what we had become. Both of us - sneaky, snoopy, untrusting, deceitful people. I had become almost as obsessed with tracking her texts and phone calls to EA as she was making them! I told her that I knew what was going on and had proof - documentation and records, of her texts and messages. And that I knew his name. She just kept on telling me that she wasn't doing anything. I finally told her his name and phone number. She said, Oh he and I are just friends. Uh huh. I told her that I knew she texted him over 2500 times in 2 months. She said thats not even true. She denied everything. I told her that I had proof of her phone calls and named dates and times. I could finally see her starting to crack a little.

Caught her in a few more lies. For instance, she said she was extremely mad at her lawyer because I should have been served in October. But when I asked her in Dec when I would be served, she said right after the holiday. When I told her that, she didn't even know how to respond. And when I told her that I was in his store while he was working, and looked him straight in the face - she really got mad! Super defensive of him, and again, how they are just friends. HA!

Her new thing is that we are incompatible. But when I asked her to tell me one way we weren't - she couldn't. Her only answer was I'm just not here anymore, and don't wanna be. I merely said I understand. She was increasingly angry as she couldn't explain anything away. I just said - Hey, I don't agree with and can't control what you are doing. It's your decision. I hope whatever it is, that you find what you are looking for and are happy. But I CAN control what I do. I'm moving on. I don't know if that is with you or without you, but I'm moving forward. I'm done snooping, and spying, and checking. Feel free to continue and pursue whatever it is that you think you need to check out. I'm not concerned with it anymore. I am free from it.

There is more, but you get the idea. At this point, I turned and went upstairs to bed. She yelled after me to fix the dresser in the guest bedroom, that she was going to sleep in there from now on. Well, she slept in our bed with me. And today, she talked my ear off (just small stuff, chit chat) like there was no tomorrow. Nicer than ever. I know it's just because she dislikes conflict. But some of the things that she said last nite, the meanness of her voice, and the meanness in her face, I wonder if she will ever come around. At his point I'd say 95% not. I will hate it, hate going through it. But I'm starting to resign myself to the fact that it will most likely happen. I don't know how I will get through it, or how long it will take. I just know that I WILL get through it. Probably a whole lot poorer. But hopefully a better man.

Sorry about the ramble - long day.

[MrBond]

That was a great way of handling things. Honest to the point. You called her out on her BS. You're going to see this softening up but don't let up. Start making yourself scarce as if now you really are done.

IMO the only other thing I would have done is to confront the OM and tell him to back off. But that's just me.

This is the perfect window of opportunity here.