New guy here, just found this site. I've been searching and reading. I'm sure there must be a similar situation on here, but haven't come across it just yet. There is so much to tell, but I'll try to keep it brief while hitting the main points.
Have been married almost 27 yrs. I was 20, she 18. Three kids 26, 23, and 21. My family is my world. She is "it" for me. I love her dearly and she still makes my head spin. About 2 months ago the W told me she was "done". Loved me, but never was "in love" with me. Been faking it all this time. Told me she had learned to be a good actor. I was floored. Said there is nobody else - just wants to be able to love somebody else, the way I love her. Also said the kids are grown, and will "get over it".
She recently began a new hobby (with my full support) and now I am finding out all kinds of things that she has been doing. Basically acting like a single woman in her 20's. She also has a "friend". A male friend. She doesn't know that I know. Phone records show that they text constantly, although I don't know the content. And it's rare that they go more than 2 or 3 days without talking in an actual phone call. Lately, it's really been picking up. Couple of calls a day. Even while she is working. Again, she doesn't know that I know. And if I ask - she swears that there is no one else and that she isn't doing anything she isn't supposed to be.
Also, told me 2 days before Christmas that I would be getting served right after the holidays. Seems one of her new "friends" in her new hobby is a divorce lawyer. She is handling it all for free - at least to her. Told the W that she would take all her fees out of me.
So, I go and see a lawyer who told me pretty much that I would be paying about half, or a little more, of my take home pay to the W in alimony. And my 401, and my pension. Plus health benefits. AND, because of the length of time we had been married she could be entitled to lifetime support. Actually apologized to me and said "nice guys really do finish last". This will bury me. There is no way that I can make it on what I will have left.
So, number one - I don't want to be divorced. I love my wife and I love my family. Number two - I don't want to be divorced and POOR. I will have to work tons of overtime just to make my alimony payments and even then won't have enough left for me. I will lose my house for sure. Three - I'm not sure I want her back with what's been going on. I thought I knew her inside and out, but she is like a different person these last 2 months. I don't know if she has had a physical affair yet, but I feel she has made an emotional commitment to the OM. So much so that she appears to be trying to protect their relationship at the expense of ours. Number four - our kids don't know yet. She will not tell them. She will wait until they find out on their own, or let me tell them. She wants to be their "friend", and doesn't want them to be mad at her. So, I will end up being the one that gives them the bad news. Not exactly sure when to tell them. Now? After the papers have been served? And what about this OM? Should they know that there is one? Should they find out from me, or her?
I am still searching and reading the archives, but my biggest problem is that I just don't know what to do next. I am going to get the Divorce Remedy book and try to see if I can save my marriage and my family. And I ordered a divorce strategy for men book, just in case I can't. Just am feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment, and trying to figure out my next move. Thanks for letting me ramble.
Welcome to the divorcebusting.com community. I'm really sorry you are going through this after so many successful years. It is not uncommon for a spouse to rewrite the emotional memory for a time. You seem to know not to take that to heart.
You will find in Divorce Remedy that relationships are based on PATTERNS OF INTERACTION. And that the patterns of interaction are kind of cyclical. When we DB well, we take the blame out of the equation. IT doesn't matter who initiated the interactions that are not working now, but generally, one person's action triggers the other person's action and so forth. What we do is break the pattern, do something different.
The key things to change are the ones that your wife has the most complaints about. (And the ones you have the most complaints about too for that matter, but right now let's focus on her.)
So--Get rid of the blame first. So right now, don't focus on the other man or her bad behavior.
Focus on-- 1)what is good between you. Keep that going, what you focus on expands.
2) What are the things she isn't happy with? What is so attractive about the outside life? What is different now about your situation when she isn't happy than the situation when she was happy waybackwhen? We're going to look to change those things.
Hang in there. This is a place where we focus on building loving relationships, we're with you.
sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Hi 27. Sorry to hear that you are here. I don't think that anyone really wants to be except for the vets who are here graciously giving their time to help others.
Anyway, I've only been doing this for 6 weeks or so, but I have totally dived into this stuff and have really been trying to live by it. So take my advice and thoughts with all of that in mind.
First, I would suggest that you get a second and maybe even a third consult with different attorneys. I am an attorney and will tell you that there are good ones and bad ones. You want to make sure that you get a very good one who actually cares about your situation. Not saying that the one you spoke to is bad, I'm just saying that I would always suggest meeting with at least 3 before making any decisions.
Second, I hate to confirm what I think that you already know, but your wife is in an EA, at least. NOTE TO DENVER_2010 from Virginia - THIS IS VERY DANGEROUS THINKING. YOU HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING OR CONFIRMING ANY SUCH THING. YOUR COMMENT IS NOT HELPFUL AND COULD CAUSE MAJOR PROBLEMS. I speak from experience on this as well. My wife made the decision to leave me 6 weeks ago and I also found cell phone records that confirmed that she had been texting and talking on the phone to OM. I knew something was up bc her personality changed literally overnight. We had been having problems, but she became very determined that we were done and that we were never right for one another on the turn of a dime. I confronted her and she denied that it was an affair. Says that they are just friends. She continues with this line to this day. I also outed her to her family. They were very upset with her. I agree that exposing an affair can definately put some pressure on W and the A itself. Your only chance to save M, IMO, is for the A to burn out. I hear that they normally do and have read that A's generally last no longer than 6 months. But your W isn't going to be open to working on M as long as OM is in the picture.
Your children are grown and are certainly capable of hearing that their mom is involved with another man. Others might disagree, but I would expose A to your children. NOTE TO DENVER_2010 from Virginia. AGAIN, THIS TYPE OF ADVICE IS NOT HELPFUL AND COULD CAUSE MAJOR PROBLEMS.
You will read the following time and time again on this board. But if you want to save M, you have to do the following:
1. Buy time - for A to end and for W to come out of fog that she is in and realize what a huge mistake that she is making. Do NOT help her file for divorce in anyway. You want to put off the filing as long as possible. But you may not have any control over this. Attorney can probably help you delay process somewhat.
2. Have Patience - Again, A has to end before you are going to get anywhere. All you can do is 'detach' from the situation as much as possible (and yes, I know just how difficult this is!) and work on yourself.
3. Get A Life - Start focusing on you and the things that make you happy. I tell people that I am using my separation from W to 'repair' myself. I did contribute to my M problems and I am trying to make sure that I fix those issue so that I don't repeat them in the future, whether or not with my W. I suggest that you do the same.
Lastly, and again, other may disagree with this opinion. But physical separation may be necessary for anything to move forward in your M. Others suggest avoiding that as long is possible is the best way, but I can tell you that my W and I were separated but living in same home for months prior to her leaving and nothing got better. It only got worse. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or so they say. I think that your W needs to have an opportunity to miss you and the positives that you bring to her life. Besides, can you really stand it that she has OM and is living in same home as you? I know that I couldn't. I would tell her to leave ASAP and help her pack. I'm not suggesting that you become cold or mean to W. "Lovingly detach" from whatever it is she is going through in her life right now.
This will probably drive her closer to OM. I know that my W leaving has done that. I've read on here, that this can actually be a good thing bc it puts their R more in the realm of reality and takes it out of your W's fantasy realm. I can definitely see where it may speed up the end of an A. Of course there is always the possibility that it does the opposite. Just a risk we have to take I guess.
Good luck. Keep posting.
Last edited by Virginia; 12/30/1001:44 AM.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I'm going to weigh in here a couple of Denver's comments, especially because he's so new.
want to make sure that you get a very good one who actually cares about your situation. Not saying that the one you spoke to is bad, I'm just saying that I would always suggest meeting with at least 3 before making any decisions. This is not DB advice: I agree with a lot of interviews if you find you have to do this. You will not be able to tell if s/he cares about you.
Second, I hate to confirm what I think that you already know, but your wife is in an EA, at least. I speak from experience on this as well.
No one on the board can discern if this is going on and right now it shouldn't be your focus if you want to DB your marriage.
Your children are grown and are certainly capable of hearing that their mom is involved with another man. Others might disagree, but I would expose A to your children. This will p*ss your W off and there will be backlash. But things aren't going to get better until they get worse I'm afraid. I would also be very clear to children that D is not what you want and that you want to save M. Your W is driving this train and she shouldn't be able to escape responsibility for that, IMO.
This will be detrimental to all involved--espeically your children. You will regret it. Besides DB/DR you can check out Shirley Glass work. Few have success in their marriages when they do this. When they do have succes, it isn't because of exposing. And the children are affected forever. It cannot be undone.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Lastly, and again, other may disagree with this opinion. But physical separation may be necessary for anything to move forward in your M. Others suggest avoiding that as long is possible is the best way, but I can tell you that my W and I were separated but living in same home for months prior to her leaving and nothing got better. It only got worse. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or so they say. I think that your W needs to have an opportunity to miss you and the positives that you bring to her life. Besides, can you really stand it that she has OM and is living in same home as you? I know that I couldn't. I would tell her to leave ASAP and help her pack. I'm not suggesting that you become cold or mean to W. "Lovingly detach" from whatever it is she is going through in her life right now.
This will probably drive her closer to OM. I know that my W leaving has done that. I've read on here, that this can actually be a good thing bc it puts their R more in the realm of reality and takes it out of your W's fantasy realm. I can definitely see where it may speed up the end of an A. Of course there is always the possibility that it does the opposite. Just a risk we have to take I guess.
Good luck. Keep posting.
I disagree and agree. Don't move out. The risk outweighs the benefit. DO the LRT--dont' be predictable.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
First off, I agree with that it seems your W is in an EA. I mean who texts that many times to a "friend"? Plus, women won't typically leave a R unless they have someone else to run to. Not all the time, but I find that's in most of the cases. That's how my W was.
While agree that the EA shouldn't be the main focus of your efforts, understand that it will be harder for your W to see any changes until thoughts of the OM is gone or unless your W actually says she wants to make an effort to save your M.
I personally don't agree with moving out because if you are fine with being at home, then stay home. If she feels uncomfortable about it, she should be the one to move. Plus some legal counselors have suggested that leaving the home means you're abandoning it and may not look too good in favor of the courts.
So, to get started, what were the things that your W complained about you in the R? What were the issues? Have those been addressed? In terms of the OM, what do you think made him seem more attractive than you?
Be honest and post here.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yup, don't leave. If she wants physical separation, she should have to be the one to move. Don't do anything to enable or assist her in this.
Do you know if the OM is also married?
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
WOW! Lets see if I can answer all of this. I'll try to do it in a logical order best as I can.
I'm not really sure where it fell apart. We had a rough patch about 6 or 7 years ago, but got through it and seemed better than ever. Last few months were a little strained, but a lot of stress at both our jobs right now. I was completely caught flat footed when she said she was "done". Said she had never loved me, hated our house (which we picked out together) and wanted to find true love - someone she could be head over heels with. In the couple of days after she said some really mean things. I think that she has a lot of pent-up anger, and she is lashing out, trying to hurt me.
Now, she has always been a little been of a "dreamer", but she is kinda really out there now. It's like I can see this train wreck coming, but can't get her to get off the train. She acknowledges that "the kids will hate me. You think I don't know that?" It seems like she has changed into another person that I hardly recognize.
So anyway, she tells me she's done and getting out in late Oct. To this day she sleeps in the same bed as I - even sliding over to my side to fall asleep every night. We have fallen asleep the same way for years - her beside me and my arm wrapped around her. This is about the only contact we have. Nothing through the day. No hugs, no kissing, nothing. If one of us leaves, she will say have a good day. We have only been intimate once since she told me she wanted a D. And she cried afterwards because she felt dirty and that she cheated. On who I asked. She said on myself.
She worked really hard on the house for this Christmas. Like she wanted it to be perfect. We have my whole family over. Everything had to be just so. I didn't understand it. She is working on a house she hates, and she is planning on leaving? By the way, I want the house and am not planning on moving out. However, when I asked her what she was going to do she said she had six months to figure it out.
Sgctxok - she hasn't really said. Our kids were always our number one priority. Remember she was 18 when we got married and had our first. The youngest is now 21. He lives at home while going to college. The older two are out of the house. I think she is having a grass is greener type moment, but not sure. We still have pretty good days - they seem just like our regular days. She laughs, jokes, we do things around the house together. Baffles me. And her new hobby has led her to a new group of friends. Don't know if they truly have her best interests at heart.
Denver - you sound a lot like me. I could have written that post myself. Problem is, I am torn between saving my marriage and family (that's what is most important to me), and being angry and wanting to punish her for such foolish behavior. Not to mention, do I want a woman that would act that way? I deserve a woman that is committed to me, as well. I think you are right, she is in an EA. My question here on this forum though, is what do I do about it? Your legal advice is welcome and I will follow it if/when time comes. Thank you.
MrBond - She still hasn't complained about what is wrong with our M. Just says that she loves me, but isn't in love with me. I think that she has some personal issues along with some low self esteem and isn't very happy on the inside right now. I think she is taking what she thinks is the easiest surest way out. I'm sure she thinks everything will be just fine if she gets out on her own. But like I said, family has always been number one to her and I. Now it seems to be all about her. She has become very selfish, to the point where she will even admit it and is not the least bit apologetic. She has also got to where she will do the opposite of whatever it is that I say. For example, last summer she decided she wanted to trade in her suv on a car. We live in MI. We haven't had a car in over 14 years. We live in the country. I told her she needed four wheel drive (she hates driving in the snow). She insisted on a car and bought one. One week after the first snow she says I don't know what I was thinking - I need 4 wheel drive. If I point to a parking spot on the right, she will park in one on the left. Etc, etc. She will fight me on almost anything, yet she is constantly asking me what I think she should do - even for very simple everyday items. She won't listen to me about anything.
Also, all the kids were home for the holidays (they are gone back home now). She didn't mention our situation to them at all. I know she won't - she will wait and let me try to explain it to them when she isn't around. She doesn't like her kids to be mad at her.
Ok, I guess what I think I need right now are answers to the following:
Do I let on that I know about the OM? I mean things really seem to be picking up steam for them. The calls are getting more and more frequent. Pisses me off that I pay for her cell phone (family package) and she is talking to him on it, and about things that she should probably be talking to me about.
Do I tell the kids that their mother wants a D? Now? Wait till I am served (probably next week, according to her). When?
Do I tell the kids about the OM? I want them to get through this as good as possible. But I also want them to know that it's not me initiating this - but her.
Should I move to another bedroom?
Should I start distancing myself? Or keep focusing on being together and trying to do good things together? Right now I am trying to figure out what two people who are close to divorce are gonna do on New Years Eve - not easy!
I literally could go on and on, but I guess thats enough for right now. Once I start typing, things just keep popping up in my head, but not necessarily in any kind of sane order. I'll check back tomorrow and answer any more questions that come up.
Thanks for the warm welcome and the quick replies.
