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I haven't been on here for quite some time. It was a great place to visit and get support, but eventually it was time to shut the door on my divorce and look forward to my future.
This past Sunday, though, I read an article in the NYT about infidelity that I thought was very well written. So I thought I'd share it here.
In the past, the moderators would sometimes label my links to support articles as "advertisements," so if the link is obliterated, you can find the article by looking for "A Roomful of Yearning and Regret" by Wendy Plump, New York Times, Dec. 12, 2010.
I recently offered my cheated-upon view of things to my acquaintance, who has returned every night for a week to that hotel because he cannot bear to look at his wife. A couple of years ago I offered the other side to a friend when she was considering having an affair.
Start, I suggested to her, by picturing yourself in the therapist’s office with your betrayed husband after you’ve been found out (and you will be found out). You will hear yourself saying you cheated because your needs weren’t being met. The spark was gone. You were bored in your marriage. Your lover understands you better. One or another version of this excuse will cross your lips like some dark, knee-jerk Hallmark-card sentiment.
I’m not saying these feelings aren’t legitimate, just that they don’t legitimize what you’re doing. If you believed they did, your stomach wouldn’t drop on your way out the door to your lover’s. You wouldn’t feel the need to shower before climbing into the marital bed after a liaison. You wouldn’t feel like a train had struck you in the back when your son asked why you forgot his lacrosse game the other day.
I liked this column today. Very honest. No excuses are made for bad behavior.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I say all this by way of hope, believe it or not. Affairs are one of the adult world’s few disasters that can be gotten over, with a lot of time and kindness. It has to burn out of you over months and months, flaming up and then subsiding as you get used to the fact.
A great deal of comfort will come from your friends, many of whom will offer advice — hate him, leave him, move on — that you should listen to politely and then reject. After all, the consequences of your decisions will be visited upon you, not your friends. They will be only too happy to amplify your confusion, listen to you cry, and then get into the car and drive home to their own intact families
That's the part I enjoyed.
All from a perspective of wisdom, 20 years later.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Great article. Kudos to the author's parents for making it to their 50th. Marriages in-intact for that long are trully rare.
Whether EA or PA both are deadly to a marriage. You need not be in a motel room with SOOTYS to escape your marriage.
Remorse for and by the cheating spouse's actions is key. Otherwise it can be expected to happen again.
I have spoken to many older individuals who left their 1st marriage and reflect back with regret after 20+ years, "She didn't get the best of me when I was that young. Today I am settled and a much better man." "My pride got in the way of my marriage. Today, I am older and wiser." "She was a good woman to me. I could have been better to her." "I was too young. I lacked the wisdom I have now." Despite it all, it doesn't excuse the pain you caused someone else.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April