Thanksgiving is together as a "family" Christmas...too far off to tell...I'm not even sure we will still be living together at that point to be honest
How did the holidays make your fantasty larger? ANything I could do to prevent that from happening?
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Interesting Sandi, holidays made my fantasy a little larger too a couple of years ago...
I can't think of anything my H could have done to get me out of it at the time. I think it is the stress and pressure of having a 'wonderful' holiday that drove me into how that would happen in a greener pasture.
Sticking with the comment I made to you on my sitch...
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Great, so this time of year is going to make it worse! Perfect.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Don't be sorry. Its ok. Not what I wanted to hear, but guess what, I've heard a lot of what I don't want hear over the past couple of weeks...so just have to keep on pressing on
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
It will make me sound like a nut case, but in truth, I guess I was. I always saw Christmas as a "romantic" time. Maybe I bought into all the movies, IDK. But being fogged out in the EA just had me dreaming of the wrong things--instead of my family and especially my H. But also, I had just gotten into the EA about the same time.....so I'm sure the timing had a lot of effect.
Could my H had done anything to stop or change it? In my case, I don't think he knew right then.....I honestly can't recall right now. If he did, he hadn't confronted me. The only thing that would have jerked me out of the dream state would have meant he ruined the holidays for everyone, and he wouldn't do that. He would suffer in silence, first.
In your case, she knows that you know. You have two little girls looking forward to Christmas, so you have much of the same burden as my H did. I would focus on them and put the W/OM/A on back burner till after Christmastime, for the sake of the children. I cannot think of anything you could accomplish for everyone's good by breaking up the family during this time. Others may disagree and tell you not to put up with her and to put her out of the house, and maybe at one time...I would have given that advice, but my gut feeling about this is to keep it together in the home front until afterwards.
You've done it before, GW, and I know you are tired and ready for it to be settled, but can you take your focus off of her and make this time for you and the girls? Live this next month....as if it would be the last month, and Christmas...as a family. Something to think about, isn't it? Make memories for your daughters. If your W will be a part of that, then good, and if she's too fogged out, stressed out, or whatever....stay focused on what is the most important thing...your children.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi my dear friend. Thanks for the time again. Yes, you have given something to think about and you struck a guilt nerve with whether you realize it or not.
It was just before Xmas last year that I found DB and found out about the A. I told myself I was going to wait till after Xmas and you and others said hold off for a few days. And then I let emotions get the best of me and I didn't...and I felt guily for a long time about not being strong enough.
That being said, I need to think about this. I need to make the right decision whatever I think that it. I've got one formerly known as Puppy advising me slightly differently for good reasons also. And so far, I have not acted on anything.
The bottom line might be can I take my focus off of her and this siutation. I'm not sure at this point.
Thanks again
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
I probably have an idea of Pup's advice. Not many times I disagree with him, but I look at it this way....what do you have to lose by holding on till after Christmas? Before you say anything, I have thought about the self-respect....and you know how strongly I feel about a W respecting her H. So, have you considered telling your W that you have decided to make the very most of this next month....for the sake of your girls. By doing so, you are not stamping your approval on her A with OM. If you want to sleep apart from her or even consider it an in-house separation....I think that should be your call from the POV of not living in an open M, instead of her her call of chosing OM over her M. Does that make sense? To me, that leaves your integridy in tack, but also buys a bit more time....if time is what you want. But most of all, it doesn't distroy Christmas for the kids.
I suppose the big question would be...what do you really want. Do you want one last shot at the M, or are you ready to call it quits? The second question would be....can you do this for the girls or not?
GW, in spite of what any of us advise....this is your life, not ours. You have to make those decisions and live with the results.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I realize this may be coming too late for you and W, but if she DOES want to try again, I highly recommend Love Addicts tips...
Here's one I read over and over when tempted to contact OM:
" I agree that a very important part of the NC (No Contact) process is to PLAN before you leap. Think about good 'ol Chris Columbus. Do you think he just hopped on the Santa Maria to set sail for the new world with just his hat and compass? heck no. He would have never made it. He knew his voyage was to last many months so he PREPARED, had a crew and loads of food to back him up.
Heading into NC is much the same. You need to plan. The better you are at taking care of yourself during this time, the more you have to fall back on, the less chance your attempt at NC will fail. Here are a few tips:
1. Have a hobby available to keep you busy, or two or three. A lot of addictive people claim that "working with your hands" is the best as it forces you to keep your mind on the task at hand.
2. Get ready to eat your favorite stuff. Addiction is Oral. Even love addiction. Stock up on "feel good" foods at least until you get through the initial withdrawal phase (if you are concerned about weight, make healthier choices, chew gum, sugarless lollipops etc.!) But right now is not the time to worry about putting on a *few* (and I mean few!) extra pounds. Your NC takes priority. You can lose the weight when you are feeling better.
3. Have friends and family ready to talk and listen. Make sure they know what you're attempting so that you have extra support. If family members aren't supportive, seek out friends or support groups; people who will understand what you might be going through.
4. Make plans, goals and activities that would NOT have included PoA (go to the movies by yourself, attend a concert, visit the bookstore, sit at a cafe and people-watch etc.)
5. If you can, go out and shop. Buy yourself something NICE. Remember to pamper yourself through withdrawal. The nicer you are to yourself and the more resources you have to get through withdrawal, the more SUCCESSFUL YOU WILL BE!
6. Go get a massage, a manicure, a pedicure...WHATEVER. My all time favorite: changing the color of my hair. Nothing too drastic. But enough to make me feel revived.
7. Get involved in a TV or HBO series, or a sitcom. Comedy is your best choice. It serves to distract AND lighten your mood.
8. MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT TURN YOUR NC INTO A BAD THING. You have a choice: you can think positively about what you are doing for yourself, or negative. THINK POSITIVE. It's a happy time. Not a sad time. You are NOT...I REPEAT NOT losing anything worthwhile. YOU ARE GAINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAINING YOUR LIFE BACK.
9. Remember the Ten Minute Rule. It's a SAFETY NET for those moments of intense craving. For example, whenever you feel the intense URGE to call or make contact, say to yourself, "first let me post this message on the LAA board" or "let me take a brisk walk for Ten Minutes." Meditate, breathe, whatever you can do...do it for ten minutes. Cravings tend to pass within minutes and you will be OK again.
10. Post here often. This is a support group. Someone WILL respond to you. Perhaps you could make that your safety net when you have a crave. Post first and say, I will wait until someone responds to my post before entertaining the idea of contact. By then, the craving will most likely have passed.
11. Practice the art of positive Self Talk. You MUST reaffirm, daily, your reasons and motivations for wanting to keep NC. The more you "brainwash" yourself into believing and understanding that NC is the ONLY WAY to go, you will be convinced. Tell yourself things like, "hang in there," "I can do this," "Keeping NC and staying away is an ACT OF SELF LOVE," and "I am Worth it..."
12. Keep a journal. It's one of the healthiest ways to cleanse your soul. To get to know who you are. To see, on paper, what you are feeling. Besides, it busts a crave! In your journal, keep a LIST of things you can do to keep busy. Fall back on this list if you find yourself fantasizing about your PoA, or bored or feeling "empty." Make it a long list. You're going to need the choices!
13. SOme other distractions you can keep in your arsenal if craves/withdrawal gets bad: Take a shower (you can't use the phone from the there), take a nap, clean the house, drive, leave your cell phone at home, go swimming, take a bath, call a FRIEND, make an appointment somewhere (salon, doc office, dentist, etc.), do crossword puzzles, play solitaire, go to the gym, ride your bike, bake a cake, paint something, etc.
Bottom line: STAY BUSY and KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE PRIZE. You are doing a good thing for yourself. Getting through withdrawal is hard, but it's a matter of determination and self conditioning. We've been through much worse pain than this. We can definitely handle a few months of withdrawal. IT DOES GET BETTER. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. But you must see NC as a priority; something worth your time and effort. "
Thinking of you and sending STRONG thoughts your way!
