M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
yes and no. Discuss, OK....Make your point. Nag, no.
It will take a long time to build the trust. You can tell her today and tomorrow and the next day, and you will sound like a broken record. But it won't build trust. For two reasons. First, you have to build the trust in your heart, not her. Tough, huh? She can act trustworthy, that's true. But trustworthiness takes a long time to prove. If you wait for the trustworthiness to inspire the trust in your heart, it will be June before you get started. So you can't wait. You have to say, "Wife, you know what I need. I am going to trust you to do it." And then you have to leave it alone and let the trust and the trustworthiness build simultaneously.
And secondly, you are both the walking wounded. Try not to think of it as she made a mistake and inflicted wounds on you. Think of it as you were mountain climbing, roped together, and she fell and took you down with her. It takes the blame out of it. And you need to take the blame out. Because this is a growth experience for both of you. And if you recover from it, you become stronger as individuals and as a couple. But you have to help her heal too.
Some spouses get discouraged the the task of reconciling is too big, the damage too great. They convince themselves that it's easier to sever the relationship and start fresh elsewhere. This comes from negative self-talk. But just as you have problems with negative self-talk, so does she. And you don't want to feed it.
What you do want is to build some good times together. Drama and painful emotion-free good times. It doesn't need to be a second honeymoon. Lunch out sometimes, going to church as a family, holidays together, family outings, all of these things will build you up more than discussions of hurt feelings and recriminations.
Retrouvaille will be the time to have those discussions. They will lead you through them. They will take you into that dark woods and they will lead you out. If at all possible, save the discussions for January. Build the time together with no blame now.
First, you have to build the trust in your heart, not her. Tough, huh?
Yes and I have not at this point...not at all really.
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And secondly, you are both the walking wounded. Try not to think of it as she made a mistake and inflicted wounds on you. Think of it as you were mountain climbing, roped together, and she fell and took you down with her. It takes the blame out of it.
This one I get and I realize...I really do. I know I made mistakes along the way. But I wonder if sometimes I still come across as blaming...I don't think I do but thanks for pointing that out to make sure I keep focus on that.
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What you do want is to build some good times together. Drama and painful emotion-free good times. It doesn't need to be a second honeymoon.
This we are having some tough times with. We had the honeymoon period already. But it appears to me that I am the only one that makes any effort towards getting this done. I realize I am going to have to lead and carry the burden, but it gets tough sometimes.
And lastly the negative thoughts is my vice right now. The last couple of weeks plus this trip brought that out in me too, where my mind takes off with negative thoughts and it always revolves around her and OM starting it up again.
That is the big elephant in the room right now. She knows that is what I am concerned with. I know that she has at least considered it.
So, do I ask...do I ask her if she and OM were in contact on this trip?
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Play it through in your mind. If she says "No", and looks straight into your eyes, will you believe her? If you won't believe her, then don't ask. It won't help.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Frankly I think if she wants to rebuild trust, then you need to set a boundary right now. She did the disappearing act again while away - a big trigger for you. She's either struggling with OM again or she's being insensitive to you. Either way, you need to set a boundary about how commitment and trust building means that you need contact not disappearing acts. I would communicate this to her and do the boundary thing: "When you___________, I feel __________, and if it happens again I will _____________." THen the hard part...you have to follow through.
YOu can do this. You have to decide what boundary protects you -
"But we still have issues that I think we need to talk about...curious what some of you who have been here before think. Don't we need to talk about that part of rebuilding trust is not repeating patterns of the past? Those triggers?
I know for a fact she has no idea how much pain she put me through, she thinks she has an idea, but I don't think so. But shouldn't we talk a little about not creating more pain?"
She's either struggling with OM again or she's being insensitive to you.
I'm not convinced that the situation can actually be seen as so black or white. When someone has been completely addicted to something/someone for some time, has become habituated to taking a "hit" of fantasizing about/calling/texting, etc, them whenever they feel depression washing over themselves, is it realistic to expect them not to struggle over the next several months as they try to create new pathways in their minds? It takes a minimum of 2 years to repair a damaged marriage, and people who have given up their OP describe a gradual fading of the importance of that person only as the marriage gathers strength to replace him/her.
In my experience, the spouse who has ended the affair is not properly capable of being "sensitive" to the other spouse's pain for some time--they are feeling too damaged by (as in Lotus' example) falling off the mountain to be able to see beyond their own wounds, broken bones, flashbacks, etc.
In addition, as my H said at one point, "I don't know if you can trust me. First I have to learn to trust myself again."
This doesn't mean there won't be a time for all these talks, as they do need to happen; however, I feel that Lotus's advice is the best way to proceed for the moment.
The addiction stuff, I certainly believe that is true, espcially in my W. There is no doubt she is fighting an addiction. She went cold turkey by her own choosing and supressed the addiction for a while, and then urge hit her again. This week she had an opportunity to feed that addiction. I hope she didn't.
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In my experience, the spouse who has ended the affair is not properly capable of being "sensitive" to the other spouse's pain for some time--they are feeling too damaged by (as in Lotus' example) falling off the mountain to be able to see beyond their own wounds, broken bones, flashbacks, etc.
This too really impacts me. I read that passage a few times. This helps piece thigs together. Watching my W cry in pain because of feelings for OM and saying what we have is good, it should be enough, what is wrong with me...wow...that is it...she is feeling too damaged from the fall and although she says over and over she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, she probably can't truly see beyond her own wounds and flashbacks (another great word).
Please keep this coming. It is so helpful, everyone.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
