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(((((Hope)))))

These abusive types will stoop to any level to re-write history. I'm constantly amazed at how my H perceives things--I know he is delusional!

One thing to keep in mind--button pushing is to get a reaction--they know you "care" when you get upset. Show NO EMOTION to any of his nonsense. I have steadily trained myself to let it all go past me with no reaction. It's not turned things around, but I do notice him doing it less and less.

I got a book that has been a good read, funny, and has a lot if insight into the "male mind". Why Men Marry Bitches. (and by bitches, it just means strong, confident women). It really spells out how men, ALL MEN, will push your buttons to get a reaction from you. The trick is, the better you are at not reacting, the more respect you will get.

It's not just this one, Hope, but all men do it--they are going to see what you are made of. Showing them that you can't be rattled is a skill you need to learn for the rest of your life.

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Hi hun, see you suffering from a bit of history rewriting, well thats a real laugh isnt it.. poor wee H abused by little old you.. He really is a nasty bit of work isnt he, glad your dad is more in the picture especially when H kicks off.

Keep knowing you are worth the effort to keep his abusive patterns away from your life as much as you can.. Hope you and S are well xx


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Yes, and it gets me everytime. I am sitting here tonight feeling guilty for all the arguing I've done with H and especially within earshot of S. Wondering why NC is so hard - it's the guilt for all the things i"ve done and how I"ve lost my marriage. Why is it so hard to forgive myself and see what he has done, and why do I instead forgive him, empathizing with how upset I make him?


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H4L, this is a really tough time for you and S. Hugs

Yes, it is horrifying how divorce can affect children. I know how you feel. The mother guilt still stabs me even though I am so much better off as a woman.

You have to choose whether to put your energy into feeling guilty and paralyzed about how this is affecting your S, or put your energy into helping him. S7 is currently seeing an art therapist (preceded separation) and I think and hope that it helps him to have an adult who is a trusted ally. Also, if you read Helping Kids Cope With Separation and Divorce you'll find many specific, age-appropriate ways to help your child navigate through this confusing, painful time. It include advice for high conflict situations. Try to mentally separate your loss and pain (the marriage), and your S's experience, because they are different.

One day at a time, one hour at a time, one breath at a time. Share with your S how you are calming yourself and becoming grounded in the moment.


me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
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Thanks all.Great advice and thank you for the support!
Laurah - the reactions is my weak point. His false accusations manipulate me into feeling guilty and a desire to defend myself. That's the hook. I'm so tired of letting him manipulate me yet I still fall into it. NC is so hard with a child. I want so hard to be friendly and cooperative and this desire just pulls me into his tactics. And then, he tells the court I am not cooperative, will not discuss the schedule of S, control him, etc. when I feel the opposite is true. Then I get confused and this is where it is gaslighting. He makes a big public scene at a birthday party on Saturday and resists my requests to drop it. I should have left but I didn't want to storm off in front of S. Ugh. Next time I'll have to be much more guarded, despite the fear of what this lack of communication will do to S.


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Quote:
His false accusations manipulate me into feeling guilty and a desire to defend myself. That's the hook. I'm so tired of letting him manipulate me yet I still fall into it


Ok - you have diagnosed the problem. You know when you are going to see him. So read this to yourself over and over before next time and win just one battle. One at a time. Get one over on him. Imagine how pissed and confused he will be when you don't react. Put him in a tail spin. I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!! grin


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WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
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Separation Jan 11
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Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
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H4L, I think it would be helpful for you to use your acting experience to work on this stuff. Could you spend some time with a friend working on rewiring your reactions? Set up a scenario where your friend plays WH and you play yourself, get the friend to trigger you, then feel the trigger flooding your body with adrenaline, but try to redirect yourself by nudging yourself towards feeling good, feeling peace, etc. You could also play WH and see how it's a subconscious game for him -- you could taste the power of how easy it is for him to push your buttons...and seeing it from that side might shift whether you continue to be willing to be in the role of having your buttons pushed.

Actually, you can do all this in your head too. Remember that so many of our reactions come from the pathways being so well worn in our brains. But our amazing brains can change, and change quickly. Some of our emotional reactions are mostly habit, and habits can be changed.

I have managed to change my habitual reactions to some triggers with stbxh and others. I'm not dealing with the degree of stuff that you are, but I know it can be done.

I know how worried you are about S. The best thing you can do for your S is to ground yourself. You are making huge progress and we are cheering you along.


me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
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H4L - hello, how are you doing?


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10
No longer piecing...Nov 10
Separation Jan 11
EA ends again Feb 11
Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
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GW - don't know if I should write here or on the blahblah which I have just heard about...anyhow, trying really hard to not react to the bully. Hoping to file a restraining order if he doesn't stop "harassing" me. THis means yes, no contact. VEry sad for my son, but better than watching his mom being bulldozed by dad every chance he gets.

Had a nice lunch date with a reaaaally nice guy, at his work, a film studio smile Trouble is, although he said a couple times "you'll have to come back" he didn't ask me out a second time specifically upon good bye. Yes, he's shy, but how am I supposed to decipher that? I'm out of practice!


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The blahblah would be fine too...I'll see it there
Don't decipher anything...give it a few days...especially if he is shy. Maybe he is wiser than you think...trying to be a little mysterious and play hard to get...


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10
No longer piecing...Nov 10
Separation Jan 11
EA ends again Feb 11
Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
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