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(((GW))) I think that the hardest thing about a marriage crisis is the illusion that someone else is in control of our happiness and well-being, and that their actions and inactions rule our world. Of course, that's not real. It's hard to believe that once we were happy, sad, and everything in between before we even met our spouses. This is a good time for you to cultivate detachment, even during the process of piecing.

You may recognize the passage below (not my words):

A woman sometimes seems to want to be the most important thing in her man's life. However, if she is the most important thing, then she feels her man has made her the number one priority and is not fully dedicated or directed to divine growth and service. She will feel her man's dependence on her for his happiness, and this will make her feel smothered by his neediness and clinging. A woman really wants her man to be totally dedicated to his highest purpose--and also to love her fully. Although she would never admit it, she wants to feel that her man would be willing to sacrifice their relationship for the sake of his highest purpose.

Be kind to yourself. This is very hard.


me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
flowmom #2106348 11/17/10 03:28 AM
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Part of loving someone is trusting them. Even if you think you can't trust them. It is a loving decision to decide to trust with your love. Keep doing it. The benefits outweigh the risks! Don't allow doubt to creep in. Mind control. Negative thoughts will hurt you. Don't allow them to take up space in your mind.

Lotus #2106362 11/17/10 04:20 AM
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Lotus -
I failed miserably at your great words today. Need to admit that and move forward. I had come a long ways towards trust, but have lost quite a bit over the last few weeks and simply don't trust at the moment. But you are right, how can I love if I can't trust. Her distance and unresponsiveness today triggered lots of bad memories and emotions. I used almost those same words tonight on our very short conversation. I need her to understand my pain/issues as well and I'm not sure she does right now because she is so consumed with her own stuff. But I tried.

Negative thoughts almost crippled me today. I will do better tomorrow. I have to do better. I have to stop thinking worst case scenario.

Flow - great quote - yes I read that yesterday...thanks again for your advice on the alt the last couple of days...I'm almost done with the book. It helped me today, but not enough. I didn't internalize it enough...but that is a goal for tomorrow. And be kind to myself is something I struggled with today as well. I felt like I should be better than this, handling it better than I am...beat myself up too much

Thanks to all of you that continue to check in on me, as well as Rocked and Rabbit on the alt.


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10
No longer piecing...Nov 10
Separation Jan 11
EA ends again Feb 11
Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
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GW,

It will be Thursday before you know it. Keep your focus on external things. Stay busy. Do not let negative thoughts creep in. They will sabotage all that you have worked for. Your wife is fine. She is, I assume, at a work meeting. Give her the benefit of the doubt -- she is working. Your job is to keep the home fires burning so that when she comes home you and she will have a nice place to be together again. You can do this.

Lotus #2106378 11/17/10 04:44 AM
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Thanks. Yes she is at a work conference. This is the first time we've been apart since piecing. All of the talk of feelings for OM and feeling the need to deal with it by talking to him and moving on killed most of the trust I had built up.

But you are right. I HAVE TO DO BETTER TOMORROW. I have to let go of the fear that I know had to be obvious today. The only thing I feel good about what I did today was communicate to her that her actions triggered bad memories in me...she needs to understand that as we try to move forward.

Short term goal: hold it together till Thursday
Mid term goal: have a good holiday season this year unlike last year
Longer term goal: keep things moving to make it to Retrouville in January


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10
No longer piecing...Nov 10
Separation Jan 11
EA ends again Feb 11
Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
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Back to old ways today. Back to being a bit distant. If she doesn't want to talk, fine. I told her what that triggers in me, she said she was sorry she didn't mean for that too happen, so now time to see if she is going to put forth some effort or not...


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10
No longer piecing...Nov 10
Separation Jan 11
EA ends again Feb 11
Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
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Hi GW,
I keep praying for you. Keep up the good fight. Tomorrow is almost here. Remember it takes one to tango. Wish I had more to offer...
B


(Formerly blgp)
Me-35
H-33
Married 4 yrs
Together 9 yrs
"Bomb" 8/1/10
Separated 8/6/10
D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11

"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
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I am struggling with anxiety today too GW, so I sympathize with how you're feeling. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe and to focus on taking action on the things that I can control and letting go of the things that I can't control. If you can find some sun, let it shine on your face for five minutes...I find that really helps me. Try to let go of your anxiety. (((Hugs)))


me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
flowmom #2106641 11/17/10 10:49 PM
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GW,

Keep holding on to yourself. And I'd suggest, now you've let her know about those triggers, try to stop yourself from repeating that (repetition= nagging). I found, in Piecing, that my H was so fragile still that I had to wait until he was a lot stronger (and rational rather than emotional) before I could look to him for much understanding of my pain. I know it feels unfair, but, as the LBS, you are the stronger one at this point.

Keep doing as much for yourself that takes your mind off your W as you can at this point.

Cyrena #2106745 11/18/10 04:31 AM
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Cyrena
Great point. You know I'd heard that before but as you probably can relate, things slip your mind especially when in the middle of things.

And to let you know you are right. I went into today with a much better, stronger, confident attitude about life and the sitch. I stopped the anxiety and got control of the emotions and waited to see if she would give me any positive signs. I stopepd thinking as much about her. I did things that I wanted to do this evening and put the cell phone in a different room and didn't check the computer.

It seems to have helped. She initiated some communication today. When she called she had very little time to talk, I simply stated she sounded busy and sounded like a long night ahead of her. She said yes it would be a late one at the banquet. I said ok...no nagging, no telling her what I wanted or to call. We left it at that. I said I'll see you tomorrow and she said she's text or email me tomorrow.

Well surprise, she called when she got back from the banquet even though it was close to when I would be going to sleep. And I had to call her back because my cell phone was no where near me and I missed the call. We talked very briefly again. And she changed her return flight home to get home about 6 hours earlier.

So you are right.

But we still have issues that I think we need to talk about...curious what some of you who have been here before think. Don't we need to talk about that part of rebuilding trust is not repeating patterns of the past? Those triggers?

I know for a fact she has no idea how much pain she put me through, she thinks she has an idea, but I don't think so. But shouldn't we talk a little about not creating more pain?

My radar is still up about possible re-contact with OM...and that boundary is going to have to be re-discussed and re-iterated probably a few more times.

Thoughts?


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10
No longer piecing...Nov 10
Separation Jan 11
EA ends again Feb 11
Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
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