Do you feel bullied? Be honest!

[So Ashamed]

I wish you'd comment on my sitch, but I'm the kind of person you probably aren't interested in speaking to. But I'd love your advice anyway. I am the one who did wrong and my husband walked away. I used to get my feelings hurt when Coach or Steve McQ would post their brutally honest advice/opinions, but I deserve it. I don't need to be coddled. I made my mess, now I just want an opportunity to clean it up.

[Gnosis]

I'm still alive and well. I've been too busy to frequent the forums of late, but have my "spies" keeping me informed of anything of interest like this thread.

So... did I feel bullied? Nope.

I appreciated reading the perspectives of different people - both hardliners and what Puppy used to call "Bo Peeps." Just like all advice it is up the the reader to take what is applicable and APPLY it. Test the approach for a while and measure results. If it don't work toss it, if it does, do more.

Oh, and as for my R status... Fully reconciled and life is good.

[MrBond]

I don't think alot of it was "forced" on the posters. Just some of the "vets" postings were "it's my way or the highway". There were also some times I've seen that they went beyond just being 2 x 4s and escalated into name calling, etc.

I think there was a point where this became more of the "how to bust your spouse's affair" rather than divorce busting. With things revolving the "action" of the affair rather than the reasons for why the affair happened, people seemed to become obsessed that once the affairs were done with, things would go right back to normal.

[soleil]

I'm still alive and well.

Oh, and as for my R status... Fully reconciled and life is good.

So nice to see you again! I am glad things worked out in your M, Gno!

[40andsadintexas]

I wish the vets would have jumped me more. I think since I detached they left me alone. I think or maybe every one just knows mine was a lost cause :-)

[DumpedforMIL]

I would also like to point out that my only concern re some of the advice given is that sometimes it seems that there isn't enough focus on helping the noob get to a place where they are following the advice (setting them free, letting go, dropping the rope ... and setting boundaries) from a calm, non-emotional (NOT angry, resentful, vengeful) place. I know you all advocate it, but it seems to get lost in the noise ... with the focus so heavily leaning towards the tactics (the WHAT) sometimes it seems like the HOW (and better yet, how the noob can achieve the HOW) gets too little attention.

i agree with PEI.

i understand why the vets are frustrated when it takes a while for the advice to sink in. newbies who come here are often very emotional and in their own fog. rightfully so due to what they have been dealt - which is probably an 8x16 from their WAS. after being hit by a mack truck, how effective will a 2x4 be?

you have to figure out a way to help them clear the fog before you tell them to 'let go'/drop the rope. advice simply won't sink when they are distraught or desperate. that's why most of them say "i did the begging and pleading thing". vets should know that it took them a while to drop the rope. you are able to look back and say 'if i had only dropped the rope sooner.' the newbie won't understand that. sometimes the newbie has to take that walk of shame in order to come to their senses. there are no short cuts ..

the advice in general is good. healthy debate is good. it won't be the same here.

[Starsky309]

I think there was a point where this became more of the "how to bust your spouse's affair" rather than divorce busting. With things revolving the "action" of the affair rather than the reasons for why the affair happened, people seemed to become obsessed that once the affairs were done with, things would go right back to normal.

What amazes me, however, is how this approach is frowned upon even on the INFIDELITY forum. I mean, reasonable people can disagree about its appropriateness (or timing) on Newcomers, say, or whether or not an "MLC affair" is substantively different than a "normal" affair (whatever that is), but c'mon, on an INFIDELITY forum? Isn't that pretty much the PURPOSE of such a forum -- to get help in busting the infidelity?

I think if your perception that such a forum is for "how to DEAL/COPE with infidelity," vs. one that's more problem-solving in nature like "how to BUST the infidelity," then you're going to have an entirely different perspective than one who views it as the latter.

Starsky

[idontunderstand]

Thicker skin? Good lord ... agreed ... but in TIME! We're talking about the walking wounded here people.

You are right, PEI. Thanks for clarifying for me.

Walking wounded, hurt, scared, lost, in a panic.....We are not in a good place when we first come here. I really didn't mean to suggest a thick skin for newbies. I think most people here recognize that phase in this journey and tailor their advice accordingly and with good intentions.

[Serenity13]

Did I feel bullied?

Good question and the answer is no...

I was blessed from the start with Puppy and for whatever reason he wouldn't give up... Back then, if you had asked, I may have said yes.... Today I am grateful for his tenacity...He forced me to look within myself and wouldn't let me wallow in self-pity & self-doubt.

Was my marriage saved because of it? No...

But I was and that is more important on any given day IMO.

I have had some wonderful vets on my threads and I could list each of them however I won't T/J like that... I am thankful to each of them for the contribution they have given me regarding my sitch.

I am most grateful to Him, for bridging the gap left by my H, with some truly wonderful people.

(((Hugs)))

[maple]

I never felt bullied.

Actually, I remember getting upset when PDT said my H was most liking involved w/ OW and he said he would back off with his advice if it was upsetting me so much. I responded to have no fear on holding back... I needed to hear the truth.