I have two points of view for you on this. First, as a former LBS who's H had an A. Next time he pulls the "I want to work things out if only you do...." Put it back in his court. You have taken and will take responsibility for your part in this mess but he needs to own up to having an A. You did not make the choices for him. He made them all on his own. Until he's willing to be honest about that, there isn't much to discuss. Absolutely, do not bring your kids into this anymore. Let him know that it's not healthy to drag them into your marital issues. If you need a third party, try MC again.
Second, as a child of divorce. My parents got a D when I was 19. Forget anything you've heard about older kids taking it better. It totally messed up what I thought about the entire foudation of my life. I acted out in very unhealthy ways to deal with my pain. I know now that my first marriage was a reaction to my parent's D.
You are handling this as well as anyone could. Decide what you want in a marriage and don't settle for less. Keep reading RR and the other books we've all recommended. It will help you gather strength when you have to interact with him.
Well, Blue, he admitted to the affair. I gave him the option of ending it and working on the marriage or leaving. I could not have him in the home any longer if he did not want to commit to the marriage. He chose to go. That's the sad part. He claims the affair has nothing to do with "our relationship - our problems". (Of course he claims that.) He said he doesn't have a problem ending it (so do it!) but it still "wont' fix us" even so. He claims all my faults are what led up to his wanting out and thus having the affair.
I agree with the kids. They are very hurt by all of this already.
God this sounds exactly like my H in that while my H didn't say he would end the affair, he said "even if I wasn't with her it wouldn't make any difference, our rel. has run its course; this affair has nothing to do with it." Except it has EVERYTHING to do with it. He admitted that he only started to look elsewhere right after we had the first major fight ever after we had reconciled from the first separation. He also admitted to friends first, then to me when I questioned him, that he "needed her to cling to in order to be able to leave" because he knew that leaving was irrational and that there was no "reason" to end the marriage. In fact, he said to me that he knew full well that he could have "a perfectly good marriage the rest of his life if he stayed with me, a better marriage than most people have, but that he wanted something different and wanted to see if that someONE different would take his life into a different path for the second half."
And, he also said that she and I were very much alike, except that the one or two faults that I had that bothered him, she lacked them, so in his mind she was "a better fit" for him than I was.
I'm only telling you all this so you see how insane these spouses are in their wacky rationalizations for infidelity. THERE ARE NO RATIONALIZATIONS. It is never our fault. It is their weakness. Their mistake. I mean I went through hell with him last year before and after the first time he walked out "to find himself." Did I take up with someone else? NO WAY. And you haven't either despite what you're going through.
I think it all goes back to MLC, because these spouses just lose it, and they are not able to handle it so they try every escape route possible to avoid looking within for answers. Mine tried moving out, but in 2 months he was dating me again. Sex was the thing that brought him close to me again. Then after a few months, he decides to set up a person to sleep with so he can leave again. He will not face being alone yet I have. My being alone has made me grow. He is stuck. And to this day, he admits that he has tried desperately through his meanness or anger or rude comments or ignoring me to try to get me to hate him. Why? Because he says, "if you hate me, Antonia, you will find it easier to detach from me, and if you detach then I can move on with my life with her. You won't be in my head anymore."
What he's really saying is this: "If Antonia hates me, it makes it easier for me to rationalize leaving a perfectly decent, salvagable marriage with her for another woman. It shows me that I made the right decision, because OW doesnt' hate me. Antonia does. I can't be with Antonia if she hates me. I HAVE to be with the OW. And this will make it much easier for ME to move on."
I read this book called Loving What is, and it sort of teaches that often what we say is the opposite. That someone in strife or trouble projects, and that what they say directed at us is a reflection of themselves.
When I asked him if the second part above was what he REALLY meant, he agreed. HE AGREED.
Yet even though he agreed, he still couldn't see that what he was saying was insanity. That it still showed a childishness or a lack of empathy or a HUGE amount of rationalization for his act and blame laid at my feet for everything.
So see even though my H has probably now admitted more than yours has, and yours might in time, he is STILL not rational, and until he ever becomes rational, there is no point to my dealing with him.
I think in your case you almost need to take what you're learning and teach your kids the same coping skills because while they may desperately want him back too, he isnt' in a place where he can meet any of you halfway even, and he is likely paying lip service to any ideas of working things out.
There is a part of me that thinks that they almost need to be done with the OW and living alone for some time before any of us can even consider any reconciliation.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Admitting is not taking responsibility. That's what I meant when I said throw it back in his court. Just because he admits it, doesn't mean he accepts that it is HIS fault, not yours. It was his choice, not yours. As AntoniaB said, he rationalizing so he can walk out the door. If it's all your fault, then it's ok to do what he's doing. You need to keep saying that you're willing to accept your responsibility but he will need to do it to. That means owning his choice to rip his family to pieces.
It's really a classic passive aggressive move. I don't have the courage to fix my marriage or leave it so I create a problem that makes the other person have to deal with it. What a grown up thing to do!
The good news is they do hear you when you speak the truth to them so keep saying it.
H and I are meeting with a FT tomorrow. He's wanting to possibly reconcile - says it is over between the two of them. She actually called me...that was wild!
I'm trying to keep today for myself so don't want to go into it in detail, but very interesting. We shall see.
I am new to your sitch and don't know the whole story, but parts of it jumped out at me due to a lot of similarities with mine.
My H was in an 8 month A and I successfully busted it with DB techniques. They ended it and we were in piecing for six months.
In retrospect, I took him back too easily and too quickly. I didn't think so at the time, but I can see it now.
Please be very cautious and I am glad to hear you have low expectations. The WAS needs to do A LOT of work to figure out how they made these destructive choices in the first place, and be willing to do A LOT of sacrificing to rebuild trust. Your boundaries must be rock solid and clearly and firmly communicated and maintained.
Let me tell you... the pain the second time around is so much worse.
The only saving grace is that you are stronger and have grown so much that you can get through it better.
So take the time now, before your meeting with the FT, and figure out what your boundaries, expectations, and requirements are to reconcile and rebuild trust. Because once your emotions get triggered (love, memories, hopes, dreams)... it is much harder to stand firm.
Having said all that.... my hopes are high for you! There are definitely positive signs.
