SoAsh...you asked if it is ok to pray for your H to have his heart soften. Of course you can pray for anything you want...however, that is not how it works. Your H has free will. You cannot pray "against" someone's will. Even God cannot change your H's will, because it is free. At this time, your H is exercising his right to free will in his choice to not be open to a reconciliation.
Can you pray for him to change his mind? Sure. But God cannot change it. Your H may change it on his own. I hope you understand the difference.
I still think that you are not really seeing the full issue here. As in, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you really want your husband back? I know you will try to apply your current feelings to that question and will try to answer yes...but very likely, if the shoe really WAS on the other foot, the answer would be "no".
There still is no harm in praying for him to have a change of heart...but I think most of your prayers should be sent to heal him of the pain of what he has gone through. IOW, your prayers for him to have a change of heart are actually selfish on a certain level (please don't take that as mean). Whatever HELPS him is what you should pray for...and at this time, HE feels he should move on and that is what will help him.
Your prayers for yourself should be to learn real contrition. If you were truly in contrition, you would understand why he cannot have a change of heart at this time and you would want what is best for him. I know you think that reconciliation is what is best for him, but that is not what HE thinks.
I'm still very sad for you. Trust me that I do know how painful this is.
Dance Queen, I get what you're saying. I am just having a horrible time accepting it.
So is there anyone else that has had a situation like mine whose marriage has survived?
I went to a new therapist yesterday. She said I'm an empty vessel. I have no passion. Maybe she's right. Right now I feel like someone took the air out of my tires.
Now my husband is telling my friends to tell me that I need to move away. He gave my family a job. It was to help me understand that this is really over and talk me into moving away. At first they were They now wish he would talk to me, but at first they were trying to relate his messages to me. Likely I should just give up hope, right? But I'm still hoping.
I went to a new therapist yesterday. She said I'm an empty vessel. I have no passion. Maybe she's right. Right now I feel like someone took the air out of my tires.
Find your passion! What did you dream of becoming when you were young? Don't stew in your own juices, you're young! Go live!
I went to a new therapist yesterday. She said I'm an empty vessel. I have no passion. Maybe she's right. Right now I feel like someone took the air out of my tires.
Find your passion! What did you dream of becoming when you were young? Don't stew in your own juices, you're young! Go live!
I didn't dream of becoming anything. I still don't know what I wan't to do. I "like" the idea of some things, but nothing has ever jumped out at me as my calling.
I went to a new therapist yesterday. She said I'm an empty vessel. I have no passion. Maybe she's right. Right now I feel like someone took the air out of my tires.
Find your passion! What did you dream of becoming when you were young? Don't stew in your own juices, you're young! Go live!
I didn't dream of becoming anything. I still don't know what I wan't to do. I "like" the idea of some things, but nothing has ever jumped out at me as my calling.
What are these "some things"???
My wife liked the idea of being married. The idea of having a house full of kids. Reality is much different than the "idea of." It's a lot more fun!
Find out the reality of these things that interest you. They may lead you to more and better things. Things that make your toes tap.
"Find out the reality of these things that interest you. They may lead you to more and better things. Things that make your toes tap."
Expanding on this ... I always recommend dancing for GAL activities. And TAP DANCING is actually an excellent form of GAL. It requires a lot of practice, to keep your mind focused on someething other than your sitch. It is REALLY fun, once you get a few steps learned. It is something you can do in private, so you don't have to go out and embarass yourself anywhere. It is exercise, as while you are practicing you do actually get some cardio activity sometimes. It tones up your legs. You get to buy special shoes. And best of all...you can impress people when you whip out a timestep and they didn't even know you can tap dance. You can search around and find a local class or a private instructor.
There are many other types of dancing as well that include an exercise element to them.
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SoAsh...the only cases like yours I have heard of that have reconciled are ones where both parties wanted the reconciliation. So if your H changes his mind, there is hope. But I would not count on that. As I suggested, just pray that he heals and can be happy again one day. That is the purest prayer you can say for him right now.
I have had to face a similar fate as you. I nearly killed the man who loved me (emotionally). I hurt him worse than if I had thrown him off a cliff. He claimed I "ruined his life" and sadly, he is living a life that does in fact seem ruined. It is 7 years later now and he lives alone and doesn't appear to be looking for any new love. I was his second wife and his second divorce, and he feels he is just unlucky in love and doesn't know how to pick a woman, so he avoids any future heartbreak by staying alone.
For many years I felt horrible for this and took all the responsibility for his current situation. But eventually...after I'd said all the prayers I could for him...I finally released the idea that it is still my fault. He is making his choices now, and although he has every right to blame me if he wants, at this time, his life course is his choice. I feel finally that I have made my peace with the situation.
I will never feel that I was justified in hurting him, but I do feel that I have passed through to the other side of self forgiveness and sincere contrition. I did all the internal work to figure out how I could have done this to him, and I have extended verbal and written apologies years after the D (which he did accept).
We have kids together so the only time I will ever see him is when they get married...which one already did, and he did not even hug me at our daughter's wedding. But that's alright. He hates me and I cannot change that. That's fine. It is just a consequence I will always have to live with.
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I have moved on and am remarried and happy. I will never EVER be unfaithful to my husband. That is the one thing I can say for sure for the rest of my life.
So is there anyone else that has had a situation like mine whose marriage has survived?
SOA, some people can get past infidelity--a lot of couples do, but like Dance said, BOTH parties have to want it. In this case, you H has told you he doesn't want to reconcile and wants to D. Though it pains you and breaks your heart, all you can do is accept his decision and move on. Do not repeat the same mistakes in the future.
So sorry for your continuing pain. I empathize with you very much from my own sitch.
Right now, your H's heart is not open to reconciliation. It may or may not reopen to you. He knows how you feel about him and the relationship, your remorse about your actions, and your guilt for hurting him. You have stated it to him clearly in the past, right? If so, there's not much more you can do on that front. If HE brings it up again, you can apologize again for hurting him deeply, taking full responsibility for your bad actions, and also for your PART in the deterioration of your relationship.
What you can do is work to improve yourself, distract yourself, and heal yourself from your current emotional situation. Exercise, exercise, exercise; new hobbies; social activities with supportive friends; resurrect neglected projects/personal goals.
Emotionally, keep exploring what difficulties in your relationship with your husband got you to this point. What of your own personal issues led you to seek intimacy with computer friends? Why did you avoid discussions/interactions with your husband about what was missing for you and turn to the computer instead? What other actions (or inactions) on your part in your relationship promoted the emotional distance in your relationship that cultivated the soil from which your emotional affair grew? You need to address these issues so you don't repeat the same pattern in future relationships, whether it be with your H or another.
Your husband is angry, hurt, resentful and disrespected. You may have passed the point of no return for him and must accept that possibility. You pulling on the rope overtly or covertly for him to come back will just piss him off more and get him to yank harder. Give him space, and let him go. Work to better YOURSELF so that if he does decide to test the waters with you again that you are the best version of yourself you can be. And, if he cannot get over it, you will be wiser and ready to live a rich life.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
