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A Message from Michele
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Should I Tell Her to Move On??? #1942554
02/19/10 08:03 PM
02/19/10 08:03 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,544
Philly Burbs
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gr8 day 2B alive Offline OP
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gr8 day 2B alive  Offline OP
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Philly Burbs
I had a revelation yesterday about myself that has caused many problems in my M.

I realized that I suffer from anxiety. It started way back before we were married. At the time I didn't know what was my problem but know there was something wrong. The way I handled it was by drinking.

Once we were ingaged that is when my anxiety and stress really sank in. I was worrying about paying for a wedding, buying a home and building a family. All these factors contribututed to me anxiety.
I can't seem to shut my brain down, I'm always worrying about something.

This has caused me to have sleepness nights. I would go to bed with W but after an hour or two I would wkae up and go down on the couch.
This became routine and W did suggest for me to get it checked out but I thought I could handle it.

I realize now my W feels sex starved. I have caused her so much pain b/c of this and she has move out.

I was trying DB on her but nothing seemed to be working.

Yesterday was the first day I realized the beginning and cause of my faults in the M.

I havemade an appointqith an IC to discuss my problems. I hope it's not too late to changes things around but I feel it is.

W and I spoke yesterday(BEFORE revelation) and she asked me
"How much time can she wait for me"?

I know I have to work on my self first.

She wants to set up an appointment for us to get a POST MARITAL agreement.

I I have agreed to this b/c this is what she she wants right now. See explained that if we don't get a divorce then the agreement is null.

I want to tell her:

"I now know what my problem is, I am working on it and I don't kow how long it's going to take me to heal. I understnad if you want to move on with your life. I am sorry I caused you so much pain"

Is this a wise thing to do or should I just take care of myself and not mention my problems??
thanks


Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? [Re: gr8 day 2B alive] #1942607
02/19/10 08:54 PM
02/19/10 08:54 PM
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Philly Burbs
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gr8 day 2B alive Offline OP
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gr8 day 2B alive  Offline OP
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Looking for some help.


Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? [Re: gr8 day 2B alive] #1942619
02/19/10 09:05 PM
02/19/10 09:05 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 3,468
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newmama Offline
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Your wife deserves to know the truth behind your behavior. Will she go to MC with you? You can do IC and MC at the same time.Are you taking meds?

If you want to stay married I think you tell her that you are doing all of these things, you love her, want your marriage and don't want to lose her. See what she says.

In your case, you might want to do some pursuing to convince her you are serious, since pursuing would be a 180 of your previous behavior (distancing/rejecting). I don't know what the vets would say about this and am just thinking about it for you...


me,34
exH,34
S,16 months
S:3/31/09-left for OW
started DBing 10/09
d final: sometime 10/10
current:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1
met in 2004

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? [Re: newmama] #1942679
02/19/10 10:44 PM
02/19/10 10:44 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,544
Philly Burbs
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gr8 day 2B alive Offline OP
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gr8 day 2B alive  Offline OP
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Philly Burbs
Thanks newmama.

I think you're right about letting my wife know about me new discovery. I am not on any medication but I will be discussing that with me IC.

I'm not sure if she is willing to go to a MC with me yet.

We tried early on but it wasn't the right time, it was too early and not productive. Maybe now I have uncovered the root of my behavior, she will be will to try again.

I don't know if she's too far gone to even care about the problem now.

She has said to me numerous times "why did it have to come to this for you to wake up?".

I tell her - I don't know exactly why but it did and am working on the problems.

She is setting up the meeting for the Agreement so we will know how everything is divided.

She says she has been waiting a long time and doesn't know if she can wait any longer.
This is why I feel like just telling her to move on with her life.
It may take me months to heal.

I love her and I want her to be happy even if it's not with me.
That's why I am thinking about telling her to move on.


Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? [Re: gr8 day 2B alive] #1942696
02/19/10 11:04 PM
02/19/10 11:04 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,306
Upstate NY
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The Wifey Offline
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The Wifey  Offline
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Upstate NY
Don't tell her to move on. Get some help. Work on detaching. She doesn't know if she can wait? For the agreement or for something to change with you?


Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? [Re: The Wifey] #1942700
02/19/10 11:07 PM
02/19/10 11:07 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,544
Philly Burbs
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gr8 day 2B alive Offline OP
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gr8 day 2B alive  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,544
Philly Burbs
Wifey
She says waiting for me to change,

I feel now that this new discovery is known, I realy can begin to heal myself.


Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? [Re: gr8 day 2B alive] #1942704
02/19/10 11:09 PM
02/19/10 11:09 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,544
Philly Burbs
G
gr8 day 2B alive Offline OP
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gr8 day 2B alive  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,544
Philly Burbs
Should I tell her about the anxiety problem and say I'm taking the necessry steps to treat it?

Would that even make a difference to her?


Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? [Re: gr8 day 2B alive] #1942712
02/19/10 11:16 PM
02/19/10 11:16 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 3,468
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newmama Offline
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newmama  Offline
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It wouldn't hurt...might as well try!
It's just that in this case, it seems like you are the walk away spouse, even though she is the one who wants to draw up the agreement. It's like she's divorcebusting YOU!

Think about the easy thing to do (let her go) and the right thing to do (work on your marriage)...what's right often is not easy.


me,34
exH,34
S,16 months
S:3/31/09-left for OW
started DBing 10/09
d final: sometime 10/10
current:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1
met in 2004

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? [Re: gr8 day 2B alive] #1942713
02/19/10 11:16 PM
02/19/10 11:16 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,306
Upstate NY
T
The Wifey Offline
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The Wifey  Offline
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T
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,306
Upstate NY
She probably already knows! Listen, if you want to tell her you are going for treatment, then do it when you have an appointment and then follow through. I don't know your wife or if it will make a difference. But you can't be as strong as you need to be while this is the case.

I take zanax for anxiety when I need it, which isn't all the time. It takes affect in about 10 minutes. But that is only step one of changing things. You can't pop a pill and go to one appointment to end the problems. It will take time.


Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? [Re: The Wifey] #1942719
02/19/10 11:21 PM
02/19/10 11:21 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 3,468
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newmama Offline
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newmama  Offline
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Quote:
Listen, if you want to tell her you are going for treatment, then do it when you have an appointment and then follow through.


yes....actions must support the words!! But women need words, too, so be sure to tell her or send her an email after you set the appt. If you say "I'm going to" then that is useless. If you say "I have already__" then that has more weight!


me,34
exH,34
S,16 months
S:3/31/09-left for OW
started DBing 10/09
d final: sometime 10/10
current:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1
met in 2004

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