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A Message from Michele
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Re: The Next Phase [Re: idontunderstand] #2083846
09/28/10 06:41 PM
09/28/10 06:41 PM
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 918
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gutwrenching Offline
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gutwrenching  Offline
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Posts: 918
You are doing good. This isn't easy; be proud of what you have done


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10
No longer piecing...Nov 10
Separation Jan 11
EA ends again Feb 11
Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Re: The Next Phase [Re: idontunderstand] #2083881
09/28/10 07:45 PM
09/28/10 07:45 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 5,299
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Coach Offline
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Coach  Offline
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Posts: 5,299
Quote:
I was about 5 min. from home and she called and said that the sitter's dad had found our S. She was relieved and said she had talked to him and now she felt bad for yelling at him on the phone. He was scared and upset, too. She then said she was going back to her sale and would be home later


Her priorities are out of line. Glad her sister called her on it, you should too.

Quote:
I told her I would take care of things.


Great! Be a leader.

Quote:
The following days have proved to be no less confusing. On Sat., W was still wondering what would cause our S to do something like this and why his grades and behavior at school were so much worse than usual. I looked and her and told her that it was really pretty simple.

W: What do you mean?
M: I won't state the obvious, but let me ask you something. How many times have any of the kids asked you why you sleep on the couch?

W: Never.

M: How many times have they asked why we don't wear our rings anymore?

W: Never.

M: Well, they have asked me, especially S and I'm tired of making excuses. When we told them what was going on, I thought maybe they would feel more comfortable talking to you about all of this.

W: They have never asked me about it. What's your point?

M: My point is, I have told them to ask you because I was tired of lying about it. Saying you were on the couch because your back hurt or you were sick or whatever. None of them will ask you because they told me they don't want to bother you or make you mad.

W: That's BS, they can talk to me about anything and they know it.

I stopped the conversation and said that we both know what would be best for the kids. I went outside and cut grass, and the kids all came out later to ride on the trailer and pick up sticks in the yard.



What happens when you call a woman out on CB?

Quote:
That night, she slept in our bed for the first time since April.


This. Starting getting her respect back.

Quote:
When she does go off on me about not doing this right or getting out the wrong clothes or whatever, I don't say a word or I just smile and move on to something else. NBD.


You need to say something.

"Wife, I know this is stressful for you. Next time you $!tch at me about nothing I will let you finish up on your own. If I see you need help I will jump in. That being said, "How can I help you in the morning so that things run smoother?"

Don't put up with CB.

You are stepping up and doing great, keep it up.

Cheers


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Re: The Next Phase [Re: gutwrenching] #2083998
09/28/10 10:20 PM
09/28/10 10:20 PM
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 988
I
idontunderstand Offline OP
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idontunderstand  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 988
Originally Posted By: gutwrenching
You are doing good. This isn't easy; be proud of what you have done


Thanks, GW.

It doesn't feel like it, so that means I must be doing something right. crazy

I am becoming proud of myself for admitting my shortcomings and taking steps to improve them/myself. I just hope it's not too late for my M and family.


Me-43
W-36
TS-10
D-7
S-4
M-11
Rings off-8/16/2010

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1933641#Post1933641
Re: The Next Phase [Re: Coach] #2084002
09/28/10 10:29 PM
09/28/10 10:29 PM
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 988
I
idontunderstand Offline OP
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idontunderstand  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 988
Coach, it's always great to hear from you. No matter how much I think I screw up, you take the time to point out where I did well and where I need to step it up.

It's so easy to get confused trying to remember what to do and what to say. It boils down to doing what's right, not worrying about making her mad and standing up for myself and the kids. It should be so simple.

I have been here long enough and I need to step it up faster. I know better.

Thanks again, Coach.


Me-43
W-36
TS-10
D-7
S-4
M-11
Rings off-8/16/2010

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1933641#Post1933641
Re: The Next Phase [Re: idontunderstand] #2084143
09/29/10 06:24 AM
09/29/10 06:24 AM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,466
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flowmom Offline
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Posts: 2,466
IDU, I'm sorry that you had to go through the fear of a missing child and I'm so relieved for you that the outcome was good. I hope that you can help your S find an ally that he can talk to (a trusted adult)...it's so tough.

It's disturbing that your W couldn't keep her priorities straight even in such an extreme situation. Her reaction to that situation says a lot about her mindframe...not good.

You're doing well...don't be too hard on yourself. Expect nothing from her and see this as an opportunity to practice boundary-setting. I agree that you need to calmly refuse to allow verbal harassment from her -- you need to set an example to your children that it's not OK to allow even loved ones to treat you that way.

I'm not proud to admit that I have been the b!tchy wife at times during my marriage (I got a lot better in the last few years). It never helped when STBXH got angry and reactive in response, but it would have helped if he calmly set a boundary...because I didn't want to be acting that way and he could have helped me adjust my inappropriate behaviour by that kind of feedback.

hugs


me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Re: The Next Phase [Re: flowmom] #2085559
10/06/10 08:35 PM
10/06/10 08:35 PM
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 988
I
idontunderstand Offline OP
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idontunderstand  Offline OP
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I
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 988
Journaling-

Not a whole lot new going on here.

W is still sleeping in bed. Things are more relaxed in general. When she "goes off" on me or the kids, I call her on her CB. What do you know - instead of getting pissed and defensive, most of the time she immediately backs down. She doesn't really apologize but she backs off and changes her tune.

For instance: Mon morning we were getting the kids ready for school. I was doing breakfast and she was getting lunches packed. As the kids got done eating, I "schedule" them for brushing their teeth and going to the bathroom. I will tell one to use their bathroom and another to use the bath in our bedroom and the others have to wait their turn. While they are waiting, I will pick out their clothes with them and lay them out so they can get dressed when they are done.

One of the kids came up to W while she was packing lunches and said he needed more toilet paper in the bathroom. She told him to wait just a minute. I was helping on of the other kids and didn't know what was going on. He asked her again when she hadn't got it yet and she went off. "Give me a damn minute. I can't do all of this by myself. You are just going to have to wait." I heard her yell and came in to see what was wrong. S told me so I went and got him some tp and went back into the kitchen and said to W, "W, you are not doing this all by yourself. If you need help, all you have to do is ask. I was helping the other kids, not sitting around watching tv. There is no need to act like that with them." She started in about me not doing this right and taking too long for the kids brushing their teeth, etc. I said, "That's fine. You can do it alone. I didn't watch the news last night, I think I will right now." And I did.

That night, she was better and has been since. We are still far, far away from reconciling, but that's okay. I am prepared to go it alone if I must. She is going to church again with me and the kids. That's got to be a good thing. Then again, she may just be feeling guilty about what S did last week. IDK.

The more I stand up for myself, the more respect I get from her. Who knew? A lot of people did.... If the respect can move and grow towards trust and friendship, great. If not, it will still be toward a divorce. At least the respect will be there.


Me-43
W-36
TS-10
D-7
S-4
M-11
Rings off-8/16/2010

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1933641#Post1933641
Re: The Next Phase [Re: idontunderstand] #2085794
10/07/10 03:00 AM
10/07/10 03:00 AM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 945
WI
D
DanF Offline
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DanF  Offline
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D
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 945
WI
Sounds like progress IDU, one way or another. Hang in there, you are doing great. Missed you and all the rest while the site was down.


The show must go on.

Me43 W44 S11 D9 M14 Together23
W blow-up 1/3/10 EA/PA? 5/10 DBomb 6/5/10 Filed 6/10/10 Separated 8/28/10
Re: The Next Phase [Re: idontunderstand] #2086029
10/07/10 03:18 PM
10/07/10 03:18 PM
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 620
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pigskin Offline
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As long as she is not involved with the OM, I'd say being back in your bed is a good thing.

And going back to church with the family is a BIG positive step. While God won't change her mind since He doesn't interfere with our free will, He WILL lead her to things that may make her change her mind on her own. It's up to her to accept what He's telling her.

She still seems awfully irritable. Can't remember if you mentioned if she had depression. If the OM is truly out of the picture maybe MC could be a possibility again. I only say this since it seems like she is making a small effort to get herself back on the right track.


WAW Using God
Me-43
W-40
M-14
S-11
S-9
D-7
EABomb 5/09
Separated 12/09
Re: The Next Phase [Re: pigskin] #2086040
10/07/10 03:44 PM
10/07/10 03:44 PM
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 988
I
idontunderstand Offline OP
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idontunderstand  Offline OP
Member
I
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 988
Hey, Pigskin.

Always good to hear from you! How goes things in your sitch?

The only involvement with OM is school stuff as far as I can tell. She will not give up the school board right now. I know that's something I need to insist on. If there is an attempt at reconciliation, it will be one of my boundaries. No sense in pushing it now IMO.

I am very glad to have her back in church. Since she took her new job, she is home on Sunday and has went with us for the last three weeks. I pray that God will speak to her as he has to me since I have finally started listening.

Her moods are terrible. I remember when I first signed up here, the name of my thread was "WAW Mood Swings". They have gotten worse, not better. What has changed is my reactions to them and to her. I'm still feeling my way around all of these different scenarios that she throws around. I have called her out on CB. Now I need to learn when to leave her be miserable and when to try to find out what's wrong and how I can help. I try to help but she often doesn't want it. At times, I go ahead and do what needs done if it's something I KNOW. If she continues throwing her fits or says to stop or I'm doing it wrong, I walk away and continue with something else. I'm still learning as I go but am no longer afraid of making her mad with my actions/reactions or lack thereof. KWIM?

Hopefully, she is making a small effort. I don't want to push her away by suggesting MC or Retro right now. When and if she's ready, I think her actions will tell me.

Let us know what's going on with you. Thanks, as always.


Me-43
W-36
TS-10
D-7
S-4
M-11
Rings off-8/16/2010

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1933641#Post1933641
Re: The Next Phase [Re: idontunderstand] #2086061
10/07/10 03:58 PM
10/07/10 03:58 PM
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 620
P
pigskin Offline
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pigskin  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 620
I updated my sitch in my thread so I won't rehash here.

You may want to do a search on depression and see if you notice the symptoms in your W. Although depressed people can't be forced into getting help, there are lots of things out there dealing with coping with a depressed family member that may be helpful if indeed you think she may be depressed.

All the best pal. I still have hope for you and your W and get encouraged when I see positive signs. Just don't let them affect your detachment or what you need to do for your own well being.

Keep leading and maybe she'll come around. Just don't EXPECT it, and you'll be fine.


WAW Using God
Me-43
W-40
M-14
S-11
S-9
D-7
EABomb 5/09
Separated 12/09
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