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BTW -- it is REALLY time to stop the private conversations of a personal nature with multiple women in troubled relationships, none of which your W knows about. Enough. Post here or join a support group that your W knows about or tell W about all the women you email here.

If you are uncomfortable with the last option, that should tell you (1) it is because it is inappropriate and thus (2) it is interfering with the trust and intimacy in your own R.

It really is NOT OK to keep private relationships with that level of intimacy a secret from your spouse. Stop them and fess up.


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Oldtimer
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Finally, to all the women emailing Doc privately about very personal matters... It is really time for you to step away from that R.

Any friend to a marriage is a friend to both partners. A friend to one spouse that is hidden from the other spouse is no friend to a marriage.


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Oldtimer
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Originally Posted By: oldtimer
"Delete phone number = Kiss BTW wife has asked me nothing about the party and does not know about the number thing...

So Doc is back on track again…"

This is not back on track, or at least not on the track that leads to a healthy R.

This is lying by omission to your W. You know it too. Imagine the same thing happened with her -- these are things people share with each other in a trusting, monogomous R. You keep way too many "skirting the cheating line" things form W. It allows you to avoid facing yourself. It prevents you from building trust and intimacy with W.



This has been on my mind OT.... I was thinking the same thing about what if it was wife in the same sitch...I would want to know...

The only thing is that it was so bazare that I think she might think I was making it up...
This will be harder that an R talk...
Time to tell her what happened and how you felt about it.

Last edited by Dr LOve; 09/27/10 09:49 PM.

And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
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IMO I think you've done enough soul searching that you know you wouldn't do anything that would hurt your W. In this case it might knock back all the progress you made so far.

Your W is just starting to open up to you and initiate things. Because of her low self-esteem, this might just knock her back into the MLC hole.

If you do feel the need to confess, then I would wait awhile longer until you two are on better footing.

Just my .02.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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thanks Mr. bond..

I am buring myself in homework right now so I am not going to do anything at the moment. I DID NOTHING WRONG.... I will admit I had WRONG THOUGHTS... but nothing happened and nothing will.

I would make a lousey cheating husband...I felt so bad / guilty but nothing physical happened..


And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
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Quote:
BTW -- it is REALLY time to stop the private conversations of a personal nature with multiple women in troubled relationships,


OT - Firstly let me tell you my own R is not troubled. Secondly, that I have on numerous occasions told Doc that I would be more than happy to email with his W. Thirdly you don't know what any email response to him was.......in fact feeling left out the loop maybe YOUR problem. There is no great level of intimacy.....my H has full access to my emails.

I actually agree that Doc and his W might benefit from both belonging to a group where they can see each others posts. I don't often come on the DB boards any more as I stayed pretty much with the group that broke away a while back - I know you registered with them too and posted on occasion. They have moved on again as a group and created a different 'board' and there are couples on there. Some it works for and others it inhibits.

DB is about one person working on things to save the M and does not necessarily involve the S. I actually believe that when one gets to a certain point the S needs to be involved and FULLY informed, in order to create an open, honest, loving R/M.

I think Doc is getting near that BUT he does have to cope with his W's insecurities. Maybe she would be less inhibited in a 'cyber' situation though.


Saffie
me 46
H 46
M in 1986
D20,D18,S16,D13
H's A 01/05 to 07/06
H recommitted to M 07/06
renewed vows 09/06
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Ok everyone settle down.. OT... Saffie and I have been 'friends" a long time....She has offered to E-mail my wife. AND if my wife wanted to read ANYTHING...I have written here I would let her.
I have not only been struggling with what happened three years ago but also with my inner self. I have been through hell... Not that I am saying my life has been harder than anyone’s else’s here but let’s take toll...Lost my leg in my 20's which put an end to my career in law enforcement. My first wife became addicted to cocaine without my knowledge. (Made me look like a fool)... She left me and I had to raise a 3 mo old baby and a 3 yo daughter by myself...It took me a long time to trust a female again to get married and then when I finely do that wife cheats on me. Not only did she cheat but had me babysit our son while she did.THEN I lose my job after 23 years with the same company. And being disabled limits my job opportunities. I am a very loving guy who loves intimate contact, holding hands… who do not mind showing affection in public. Who CRAVES physical contact even something small like a tap on the side while walking by... I have gone without these for the last three years… YES things are getting better every day with my wife. But I still have insecurity’s
All of a sudden I was thrown back in time. With plenty of hugs, kisses...arms around each other (from the women)... guys I have not seen in years…back to a time when my only worry was getting gas money to go curze and buy beer. That night was just like back in high school that my mind slipped away from reality and back to a time when i only worried about the moment… there was no tomorrow….It was great but it was not real…. I came back home at the end of the night to my house that I am not sure how much longer I can make payments on... back to a life without a job
YES I think it would be great if she would join something like we have here to help our marriage. She does belong to forums for women watching their weight...but I think she knows I am trying to keep this marriage together. I think she knows I would not cheat on her…It’s a double edge sword though... I could see how telling her could go three ways…1) she could see that I am loyal and honest so there is nothing to worry about .2) she could reverse what she has gained in her self esteem and start to think she deserves me leaving and fooling around..Or 3) it might make her think… Hey I better straighten up because other women are interested in my man…


I think Saffie is right… there will come a time but we are not there yet… Really close…..but not yet
I have never lied to my wife about anything. Yes I have not told her things… but if she were to ask I have nothing to hide. As a side note…. My wife has seen the pictures that were attached to my face book page by other party goers I did ask her if she seen them and she just said “ya”…I’m thinking she is seeing a side of Doc she has not seen in a while…. ALSO she and I are going to a wedding next Saturday and no kids are invited... so son will be home by himself and W and I will be dancing the night away… Time to show her the NEW Doc…. The one she saw in the pictures having a great time..


And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
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Hey, Dr. L --
Life sure has thrown you more than your share of curves but you're still trucking. It may make you feel better to know that I'm still living in the mess my husband made, too. It's been 3 yrs 5 mo. We've been separated for 4 mo.

A wedding ... dancing? It's been years since I've danced! Have fun, my friend. Show 'em how it's done!

Joie!

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Saffie,

There are intimacy and secrets on Doc's side, that is all that matters. IF Doc's W is aware of his Rs with the various women he privately emails and has no interest in reading them or in being in contact with the women that is one thing. BUT, I'm pretty sure all his Rs with DBers off the boards are a secret from his W. That is not OK, and at this point continuing to participate in that is not OK. It is not anymore OK than having regular lunches with a man in a troubled marriage who shares all his secrets with you and keeps you secret from his wife. Indeed, change the food for text, it is precisely the same thing.

And FWIW, I have zero interest in off-board communication with people here, that is why I changed my username years ago and have shared contact information with only one person since then.


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Doc,

As far as I know, selective honesty/dishonesty in a relationship isn't supposed to be wielded based on the benefit we'll gain or lose because of our partner's response.

Rather, honesty is a about trust, intimacy, and respect for the other person.


Best,
Oldtimer
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