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A Message from Michele
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Re: WAW, help!! [Re: Rob1971] #2082877
09/27/10 11:40 AM
09/27/10 11:40 AM
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Rob1971 Offline OP
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Rob1971  Offline OP
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OMG

Everytime I go out on my own, start keeping my distance from her eg leaving the room when she enters, the hugging and kissing starts,

Even the greeting at the airport was the day after our row when she accused me of wanting to take the kids away and I'd stood up for myself a little bit. Once she'd got me back into line she went all cold again. She must have just felt me melt and realised she has me "under control"...

This is a real awakening

Re: WAW, help!! [Re: Rob1971] #2082894
09/27/10 12:47 PM
09/27/10 12:47 PM
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robx Offline
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Originally Posted By: Rob1971
Ok Rob,

I'm totally on your page now, she's just texted me about a nice apartment she has seen, She's going to come back home and want to talk about it, I think ww3 is going to break out in this house tonight.......


It's very simple, text her back, tell her:

"Good luck with the apartment, I hope it's something you like and it's something you can afford on your own because you need to realize that I won't be paying for it and also because that's where YOU will be living, I don't plan on swapping homes with you anytime soon. If you need help packing your things I can help by bringing some boxes home from work along with some packing tape, etc."

You don't throw in crap about being hurt and betrayed, you don't saying anything about doing this to get back at her. You just don't want to live with someone who could cheat on you, as far as you're concerned, you have decided that the relationship is over and it's time for both of you to move on.

That's how you start to let her go. You don't wait for tonight, don't wait for WW3 or WW4, just do it now. Instead of building anxiety within yourself over this issue all day long anticipating and fearing confrontation, give her something to deal with all day.

Do NOT wait, do it now.

Last edited by robx; 09/27/10 12:47 PM.

"...Well, my favorite color is light tan. My favourite animal is puppies. I like serving the Lord. Hiking, playing volleyball..."
Re: WAW, help!! [Re: robx] #2082899
09/27/10 12:59 PM
09/27/10 12:59 PM
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antlers Offline
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This is THE BEST advice that you can be given right now, under these circumstances. Just Do It! Be strong and matter of fact, don't show any weakness or emotionalism...Just Do It!


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Re: WAW, help!! [Re: robx] #2082901
09/27/10 01:05 PM
09/27/10 01:05 PM
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Steve McQueen Offline
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Excellent advice for a Monday morning.

I would even text back, "Excellent. Great News. But there's No need to come over. Nothing to talk about. It's your life do what you want."

Then I would financially separate myself so I don't go paying for her hobby.

Re: WAW, help!! [Re: Rob1971] #2082902
09/27/10 01:07 PM
09/27/10 01:07 PM
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Steve McQueen Offline
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Originally Posted By: Rob1971
OMG

Everytime I go out on my own, start keeping my distance from her eg leaving the room when she enters, the hugging and kissing starts,

Even the greeting at the airport was the day after our row when she accused me of wanting to take the kids away and I'd stood up for myself a little bit. Once she'd got me back into line she went all cold again. She must have just felt me melt and realised she has me "under control"...

This is a real awakening

Think back. It has probably been like this for the past 7 years. You are just noticing it now.

Re: WAW, help!! [Re: Steve McQueen] #2082903
09/27/10 01:12 PM
09/27/10 01:12 PM
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robx Offline
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Originally Posted By: Steve McQueen
Excellent advice for a Monday morning.

I would even text back, "Excellent. Great News. But there's No need to come over. Nothing to talk about. It's your life do what you want."

Then I would financially separate myself so I don't go paying for her hobby.



Originally Posted By: Steve McQueen

Originally Posted By: Rob1971
OMG

Everytime I go out on my own, start keeping my distance from her eg leaving the room when she enters, the hugging and kissing starts,

Even the greeting at the airport was the day after our row when she accused me of wanting to take the kids away and I'd stood up for myself a little bit. Once she'd got me back into line she went all cold again. She must have just felt me melt and realised she has me "under control"...

This is a real awakening

Think back. It has probably been like this for the past 7 years. You are just noticing it now.


Yup and Yup!


"...Well, my favorite color is light tan. My favourite animal is puppies. I like serving the Lord. Hiking, playing volleyball..."
Re: WAW, help!! [Re: robx] #2082907
09/27/10 01:22 PM
09/27/10 01:22 PM
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Rob1971 Offline OP
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Rob1971  Offline OP
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OMG, I did it!!!

Re: WAW, help!! [Re: Rob1971] #2082911
09/27/10 01:28 PM
09/27/10 01:28 PM
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dolphin_05 Offline
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More power to you!

Re: WAW, help!! [Re: Rob1971] #2082953
09/27/10 02:35 PM
09/27/10 02:35 PM
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robx Offline
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Originally Posted By: Rob1971
OMG, I did it!!!


Why so "OMG"?!

- You need to remember that YOU didn't cheat on your spouse.
- You need to remember that YOU weren't the one telling your spouse you would never have sex with them again.
- You weren't the one going out every night living the single life while your spouse stayed home to watch the kids.
- You've been the provider for your family, only now is your wife attempting part time work and going to school and is complaining about how hard it is to juggle the two of those responsibilities (mind you she did find time to cheat on you and have a super busy single life clubbin' it up with her girlfriends at night)

Your OMG response is probably because you're surprised that you finally stood up for yourself, you won't be led in the direction she wants to go in, you will decide what direction to lead your life in and you will start taking a more active role in your life. You're like a lot of spouses: you got lost in your work, your family, the house, the job, etc. etc. etc. that you forgot about taking care of you to the point that you really didn't know what to do when someone started disrespecting, using, abusing, hurting you and cheating on you. You were stunned, you couldn't believe it happened to you, you didn't expect it and you didn't know how to deal with it.

Listen to that feeling in the pit of your stomach.

When someone you love or care about treats you wrong and starts using you and abusing you, disrespecting you, etc. A lot of people feel it in their gut, it's like an internal compass that knows something is wrong and things are going in the wrong direction. It's probably a scary feeling to stand up for yourself as well if you've never had to do that before. The fear is a combination of a lot of different things, you are afraid of losing your spouse (consider this, your spouse isn't afraid of losing you when they disrespect you or cheat on you), you have a fear of being inadequate, being lost, being without someone, you have a fear of being strong and confident because maybe somewhere along the way you thought that you weren't that kind of person.

Newsflash, everyone has the potential to be a lot greater than they actually are. Most people will never push themselves hard enough to realize and actualize that hidden potential. It's in all of us. You may be boring, dull and "normal" right now but if you pushed yourself past all of your self-imposed boundaries, you would find that there has been another person buried deep within you with incredible skills and abilities and this person has a different way of looking at things and doing things.

It's time for you to acknowledge that this may be scary, this new experience of letting go of a cheating spouse, being strong for yourself, commanding respect from those who have never respected you. All of these things are scary and that kind of fear can be paralyzing, it usually keeps most people from doing anything, it usually keeps people in abusive and hurtful relationships because that feeling of fear is all they know, they've grown so accustomed to it, it's almost comfortable for lack of a better word and then when you're faced with a new reality, and a different kind of fear, you want to cling to your old fear because at least you know it and you're comfortable with it, this new fear is unknown to you and you don't dare attempt to push past this new fear.

But you have to acknowledge that even though some things in life are scary and you are afraid of them, fear itself won't usually kill you (unless you're 90 years old and have a serious heart condition)

I could continue talking for hours on this subject (believe me I could) but right now, you need to just assume that a lot of this might be scary and new but at the same time, it's a requirement for your growth and if your marriage has a chance of being saved, it's a requirement for that as well. Your wife hasn't respected you for a very long time, I wouldn't consider ever being with her again until she learns that respect is not optional with you. Anything less than this and you will repeat these problems in your life over and over again.

Last edited by robx; 09/27/10 02:40 PM.

"...Well, my favorite color is light tan. My favourite animal is puppies. I like serving the Lord. Hiking, playing volleyball..."
Re: WAW, help!! [Re: Rob1971] #2083963
09/28/10 09:26 PM
09/28/10 09:26 PM
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Rob1971 Offline OP
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Ok,

I read her the riot act last night, it degenerated into a massive argument, then into an R talk about how she didn't know if she could live without me and might be willing to try again. She just rang me from the office today telling me how much she loves me over and over again and that she wants to try and make our marriage work..... I'm a little bit shocked..

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