Looking for advice, WAW

[soleil]

Don't think about what she's doing. What are YOU doing this weekend??? Do something FUN.

And yes, your feelings are totally normal.

[looking2keepmywf]

Soleil,

You are so right. I am going to work on having as much fun as possible tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday.

Thank you!

[sandi2]

And??????

[looking2keepmywf]

I took my son to a fun park, and we had a great time. Overall, it was a fun weekend at least with my son and I.

Sunday, I went to the football game with a client while my wife took my S and SD to a different fun park. When I dropped him off, I learned that she was also taking her 'friend's' son too. Of course, this made me mad, but tried not to let her know about it.

Then, when I got home her 'friend's' son was at my house - playing with my S. I, of course got mad and told her that we need to have boundaries that I don't know this guy, or his S, and that I did not want her to bring him to our home again. I really didn't want her to introduce someone into my S's life that may not be around. She thought I overreacted, but got the message. She now thinks that I don't want any of her friends at our house, but really what I meant was someone who we both didn't know - me, or her. I tried to explain to her 'what if it was me doing that', but again, she just thinks I overreacted.

This week was going OK, and then this morning, she seems to have a renewed focus on separating. She has increased her zeal for not being home when I am, and is already talking about 'easing' my son into one week that I'm with him, and one week that she is with him - even though she has not moved out yet (because she still has to find a 'real' job).

She now is going to talk to her parents tomorrow night and tell them what is going on, and likely will be spending much more time with them. Although I have a great relationship with them, they will not react strongly in any way, and will likely just go along with her request.

I've been spending time reading the DB forums, and getting positive - even though I'm hurting. Today, I actually felt the most positive I have felt in a long time - despite the discussion this morning.

I have continued to work on positive changes for me personally - I have lost ~ 14 lbs now, ran seven miles today, and am feeling better.

The biggest challenge I have is to not let me anger/sadness affect the way I am with my S. I've found myself being short with him, and even getting mad - knowing it's not something he's done, but the way I feel about my WAW. I continue to try and be patient with him and do things together to better our relationship - even if he's only 6.

She plans on telling my Step-D's about what is going on in about 3 weeks. Honestly, there is a big part of me that will be relieved when everyone finally knows what is going on. I'm not sure why, but maybe it's because she dropped the bomb, and won't make any attempts to go to MC - or to give me a shot at changing. She really seems committed to leaving now - more than ever.

I've decided to really give every effort to be positive, happy, and 'act as if' this is not going to make me sad. I sure have my moments, but I recognize that nobody wants to be around someone who is sad, feeling sorry for themselves, and generally a negative person. I also want to try and enjoy what I do have - which is a great relationship with her family, and most importantly, my S - and SD's.

I'm sensing that she may be moving more towards moving out and living with her Mom in the near term. This is likely because she feels that she doesn't have 'her space' here and with me setting the boundaries, maybe even less so.

So, I am taking it day by day, trying to be positive, and trying to work on my work travel schedule to coincide with her request to travel when our girls are with us, and not when they are not. This, of course gives her a full week to be Mom (and she hopes I will be gone a good chunk of that time), and when I'm back - she can be away and do whatever she wants.

It's really hard to just let her go, comply, and be positive about it, when I am hurting. But, I feel that's what I need to do at this stage. And, in many ways, it will be easier once we have sold the house, she's moved out, and I have my own place too.

[sandi2]

She still maintains that there is no OM - just friends.

I have a few questions, if you don't mind. Were either of you still M when the two of you met? You said the two of you were friends with benifits. (I hate that term b/c that is what's use on those so-called dating sites.)

Anyway, I wondered if she left her first H b/c she was involved with another man (maybe not you...but another).

I suspose "uptown" society thinks that couples should have friends of the opposite sex and be free to contact each other "very often".... but I've seen it distroy M's time after time. I do not women can have that type of "friendship" with OM without her getting her personal emotions involved. Then the next thing is OM is "supporting" her feelings and then....well she's already in an EA before he tells her he feels the same way.

It's your decision if you do not want to bust the A. I used to be very strong about not exposing the mother of children. I thought the H should continue to protect her even if she's cheating on him. Since I was a W and mother who had been in an EA, you can understand why I felt the way I did. It took a long time for me to come around to seeing why an A should be busted. I have my own ideas of how to do it, etc. but if my EA had not be discovered, there is no telling how deep it would have taken me and how badly I would have ruined my life.....and my family's.

[looking2keepmywf]

Sandi,

When we first met, I was not D, but separated - like a long distance one. She has already been D a few years before. So, at the time of her D, I really don't know if there was OM or not. Her and her ex are worlds apart, so it made sense to me that they got a D.

Her friend now I have met a few times, but never hung out with him (back when W and I were fine). But, I know she communicates with him regularly, and likely is in a EA with him.

When I confronted her to establish the boundaries, she said that she knows that I think there is something going on with them - but that there is not.

In my sitch, I really don't see the benefit of pushing this as it would likely push her away even further. To me, how is this any different than what she may do once she moves out? She would be free to come and go, and see anyone she wanted to.

I'm trying to focus more on me, and making myself a better person, and doing what I need to do to be happy. That is the overall message I've gotten from reading up on this through the forums.

[looking2keepmywf]

My WAW had dinner with her parents last night to tell them what is going on with us - that she's not happy, plans on leaving, getting a D - the whole deal. I fully expected them to remain neutral, and basically support her.

She sent me a text last night that said that they did not take it very well, and she is going to stay at a hotel. She had originally planned to stay with them - at least that's what she told me and my S. Who knows what she really planned. But, I think it's likely that she ran right over to her EA OM and got support from him - maybe even stayed over there, although I really don't know if she has before or not - I certainly think she has.

I am going to the football game with my F-in-law on Sunday. So, I will find out more of what happened - at least from his perspective. I don't want to initiate any conversation with the in-laws or WAW now. I'm going to keep it cool, and act like it went as planned - unless one of them bring it up to me.

What I find interesting is that in many ways, she now will become more dependent on EA OM for support if her parents truly aren't happy with her decision.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

She sent me a text last night that said that they did not take it very well, and she is going to stay at a hotel. She had originally planned to stay with them - at least that's what she told me and my S. Who knows what she really planned. But, I think it's likely that she ran right over to her EA OM and got support from him - maybe even stayed over there, although I really don't know if she has before or not - I certainly think she has.

Do you have access to the credit card so you could verify she's staying at a hotel?

I don't want to initiate any conversation with the in-laws or WAW now.

Good plan, don't discuss M with In Laws. Don't ask them for info.

[looking2keepmywf]

I have access to 2 of them, but she also has 2 that I don't have access to.

So, really no way to verify, unless it shows up on the ones I can look at.

[looking2keepmywf]

Based on a charge I saw this morning on her debit card, I am about 90% sure she stayed with EA OM last night. Krispy Kreme doughnuts. She doesn't eat them, but I'll bet she bought them for his S.