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thanks pook,

it appears I have graduated from the newbie class and stepping into my sophomore year. LOL


Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
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Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
thanks pook,

it appears I have graduated from the newbie class and stepping into my sophomore year. LOL



Yeah, now we have to actually graduate. The national average for dropouts is pretty high. grin


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Quote:
But for me, it came down to two things: (1) the kids deserved my effort...they didn't deserve having their world rocked without a 100% effort to keep it together. (2) I came to this forum and read Michelle's book with a goal in mind to beat the odds and save the M...I had a chance to meet my original goal and learned how fortunate I was to even have that opportunity


GW this was your post from the piecing forum.

I am getting the chance that every one come here for. I cried
yesterday thinking this day would never come. They were tears of joy b/c all the hard work I did over the past year paid off.
I gave up a few times early on but always came back here to post.

I don't know the exact reason why W wants to work on it but I would like to think it is a combination os all my actions.

I know I'm not out of the woods but the light from the promise land can be seen. I need to take the correct path.

So much learned and still so much to be learned.


Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
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Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Wow,
thanks gut.

coach had given me your sitch to reference.
I got the call yesterday from W that she want to be with me.

I have completely detached and we even went to mediation this past weekend.

My mind frame was that I was moving on with my life and was looking to start dating again.

I am open to talks. First, I need to know that she is wanting to return for the right reasons.

Not b/c her family or friends influenced her or she has regrets or financial stress or the kids.

the second item is that even though she left and there wasn't an A going on, I know she has slpet with someone else.
She does not know I know this.

Yesterday I told her she needs to find what makes her happy. I am not attractive to unhappy, negative people.

How should I proceed?



Methinks it's time to set boundaries and talk about them when the time is right.

You don't have to tell her that you know about the A. Let your boundaries make it clear that this is not something you'll ever tolerate.

I don't think bringing it up is productive right now. WAW's mindset during their detachement allows them to have an A justifiably. They see nothing wrong with it because they were separated from you anyway.


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Yeah, now we have to actually graduate. The national average for dropouts is pretty high


From your start date you must be in the advanced class! whistle


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Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Quote:
Yeah, now we have to actually graduate. The national average for dropouts is pretty high


From your start date you must be in the advanced class! whistle



Thanks for the compliment. I wish I had come here right after my bomb in April or even before last Christmas when things were dwindling.

Never say never.


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Thanks for the compliment. I wish I had come here right after my bomb in April or even before last Christmas when things were dwindling.

I found this site the week after my bomb but didn't join until 2 months later. WTF was I thinking.......oh yeah a bomb was dropped on me. No regrets though


Quote:
Never say never
. So true.


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I think you are already doing the first thing right, not making the mistake I made the first time, and not diving back in. You are hesitant, probably scared. She needs to know that, feel that, sense that. She needs to really WANT this cause it is not easy. As crazy as it may sound, the easy route is to go back to the mess/confusion/garbage life she has been living and putting you through because at this point, that doesn't take emotional energy or commitment.

I think you are too hung up on hearing the exact reason you are wanting from her to give this a try. Her head is probably still spinning, coming in and out of the fog, probably not thinking as rationally as you are, but at least she is reaching a decision point on her own to give it shot. The exact words aren't important, what is important is a commitment and then you leading the two of you through the next phase.

Boundaries will be important. It will help show your strength and will help you not go "melty man"...like always, don't be a jerk and don't set ultimatums, but set out what you are willing to live with. When my W said she wanted me and the family back the second time, I knew she was serious but I also told her that I needed to think about it because I had already mentally and emotionally headed down the opposite path quickly and was comfortable about it. Told her I'd call her the next morning. I didn't. I waited for her to call me later that next evening and then waited for her to bring up the subject well into the conversation. Then I stated IF we were to try again, here is what I NEED as a minimum...then I laid out some boundaries. And I still didn't fully commit to piecing until we met in person and talked it out a little more, face-to-face.

So think it through carefully. Stay calm like usual. Get a commitment, set out your boundaries, and make sure you both understand there are going to be good days and bad days but committ to each other to work through the bad days.


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WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
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I know boundaries will be important and I know she is still confused.

I am hestitate b/c I learned here that you can't rush this process. There are four stages the first being friendship.

Openness along with giving/receiving will be critical in the beginning.

Quote:
I knew she was serious but I also told her that I needed to think about it because I had already mentally and emotionally headed down the opposite path quickly and was comfortable about it.


I'm not sure if she's serious about it yet. I have accepted life without her and have was starting to look at rebuild my life. I have gotten comfortable with life w/o her.

She is having trouble expressing her feelings: i.e

Back in August when she wanted to talk to me I cancelled on her saying anything that she needs to tell me can be done through email or a phone call. She emailed me stating she wanted to talk to me about co-parenting.

Yesterday she told me that she wanted to meet that day to discuss our R.

Communication has been our number 1 problem and she still has difficulties with it.

That's a big obstacle to overcome.

I left the ball in her court to think about what makes her happy and how I could be supportive to her. It's up to her to contact me for our next talk.


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Quote:
Openness along with giving/receiving will be critical in the beginning.

yes it is important

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I am hestitate b/c I learned here that you can't rush this process. There are four stages the first being friendship.

Ok makes sense - I had the advantage is we were already strong into this stage when we started piecing


Quote:
I'm not sure if she's serious about it yet.

That is important and you are going to have to make that determination. My W decided she was going to "try" a couple of times...and that was the word she used...she wasn't serious. She was confused and knew she shouldn't throw away the M but was still involved in EA and not committed. The "trying" didn't last long. This time she is committed and her actions show that along with the words this time. So yes, that is a key point for you to figure out.

Quote:
Communication has been our number 1 problem and she still has difficulties with it. That's a big obstacle to overcome.

It is big and is always important, but with your DB "training" you can help lead you two through these struggles if you so choose. You have it in you.


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10
No longer piecing...Nov 10
Separation Jan 11
EA ends again Feb 11
Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
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