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Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2077361
09/16/10 05:54 PM
09/16/10 05:54 PM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
Let me put it this way...

Children do the same stuff :
a. They get scared
b. They escape into trouble - hang out with the wrong people
c. They get caught
d. They stone wall you with rationalizations and excuses
e. They resist help and change for the better
f. They say hurtful things, yell, thrash, and even throw things

PARENTS don't get involved in that drama... When a child yells at their parent the parent has control... they stand there with arms folded waiting for the child to calm down and cooperate...

You need to learn to look at your wife like a frightened child right now ... Parents don't get into shouting matches with their kids... well, they shouldn't at least...

I hope that gives you some perspective...

There's an instinct built over years of being with your spouse... cooperation... You try to reason with them, keep them in the loop, talk, negotiate... you KNOW you two are stronger together than separate so you immediately offer that up...

Your SPOUSE is NOT ready for that kind of thing... you need to back up and accept them as a rebellious child right now ... and parents don't reason with children who are angry and destructive... they bring consequences down in the child until the child starts to reason again...

Parents don't put up with their kids crap... Don't you take any from your wife either.

Call her on it, reasonably, like a parent would a child when they know their kids lying to them... you call them on it, correct it, and invite them again to calm down...

It's a matter of shifting your marital gears until the addiction is free of them and they have some hope again...

These waywards know their excuses don't fly... if nothing else when they try to throw these excuses at you... just say

"No"

And wait



"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2077449
09/16/10 08:12 PM
09/16/10 08:12 PM
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Originally Posted By: robx
You need to stop kissing her a$$

It's repulsive to pretty much everyone, including your wife and that's what you're doing now regardless if you know it or admit it.

What you should be doing:
- go to work, get your mind off her, I know it's difficult to but you have to do it
- after work, go home, spend time with your kids (don't worry about spending time with her)
- if you want to cook meals for your kids, go ahead and do it, if she complains, tell her very simply "I don't need your permission to make a meal for myself and for my kids, stop analyzing everything I'm doing."
- start going to the gym when you can and just get out of the house away from her and get some personal time for you, this time is specifically for YOU, not to make her feel less pressured because you're around the house and any other nonsense like that, start investing time in you
- go out and do some shopping, get some new jeans, shirts, fresh kicks (sneakers), get yourself a haircut, some new style, start tanning to help improve your mood and alleviate any depression
- start taking multi-vitamins, vitamin b supplements, iron, clean up your diet, maybe replace one of your meals everyday with a protein shake: clean up your insides while you're polishing up your external look
- working out, eating healthier, etc. should provide you more energy to cope with this situation

After a few weeks of this routine, you should be looking & feeling better. Then you sit your wife down and tell her

"...look I get it, you don't want to be with me anymore, we've gone through this song & dance before and I'm seriously sick of it myself. I've been doing a lot of thinking and this isn't something I want anymore, I'm tired of the fighting and I don't know how I feel about you anymore. I'm not moving out of this home because this is where I want to be, and I'm going to be sleeping in the master bedroom so you should start moving your stuff out of the bedroom as well. I also think you should move out since you wanted out so badly, it will reduce the arguing and tense feelings we have walking around each other when we're home at the same time right now. If necessary I can help you pack your things and help you move out to your new place. I will pursue shared custody of the kids, 50/50, I don't plan on being a weekend dad anytime soon, we will work out a schedule that works out for both of us. I will be civil with you with regards to the kids and leave it at that, I don't require anything else from you and you will not require anything else from me. I hope you can find a new place relatively quickly to expedite this process, no sense in being somewhere you don't want to be."

And that's it.

You carry on with your daily business and you let her do whatever she wants to do and you let her go.

Seriously, the quickest way to get her back is to let her go.

No amount of a$$ kissing, supplicating her with taking on the lion's share of the household chores, working fulltime, moving out, giving her the master bedroom, taking a verbal beating from her every time you walk through a room a disturb the air around her, buying her gifts, dinners, taking her out, offering to take her out will help you. When people try too hard in these situations, they fail even harder and it's hard to recover from that because you feel like you deserve something after putting in all that effort and when you don't get it, you feel horrible.

That's it, that's your plan.

One other thing, I seriously don't want to hear how your situation is unique, how it's different from any other situations around here, because as much as you're "unique", you're also pretty damn similar to every other situation around here.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2077450
09/16/10 08:14 PM
09/16/10 08:14 PM
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Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
the stress and pain of staying and working on the M; and, the relief from stress that the constructed divorce plan provides. If you can relieve the stress of the relationship by DBing, you can make the divorce plan less compelling. Ultimately, you may even turn the R around


Google "The Stockdale Paradox."

Helped me prepare on two separate parallel paths. Work on the reconciliation while getting out in front of and dealing with a divorce.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2077452
09/16/10 08:15 PM
09/16/10 08:15 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
You've been advised to sleep in your own bed/bedroom (probably THE most non-controversial, unanimous, CONSENSUS issue in all of DB-land), and to stop taking all of the blame for your marital dysfunction.

You've done neither.

This defensive, apologetic, supplicating behavior WILL NOT WORK, and it's only TURNING YOUR WIFE OFF.

If you're going to gather intel, then do it systematically, secretly and intelligently, and if you get caught it's simply "I'm trying to fight for our marriage, and I would do it again if I felt it was threatened."

Your wife smells your fear, I can assure you.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2077511
09/16/10 10:08 PM
09/16/10 10:08 PM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
Hold it...

Don't word it like

"you cannot..."

Its...

"In order to trust you, I need you to..."

And you have to offer the same restrictions... You offer full disclosure and transparency of phone logs etc...


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2077513
09/16/10 10:10 PM
09/16/10 10:10 PM
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Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
but it does seem like he is starting to show signs of becoming more interested now that I am pulling away. I think me telling him that I am moving on and going to start dating may have surprised him.


get two wine glasses and take a drink out of them. Rinse them out and have them drying by the sink. If he asks you can just reply, "Oh, I used those." Then keep walking.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2077514
09/16/10 10:14 PM
09/16/10 10:14 PM
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Originally Posted By: dsh4320
"My kids need to see me, and I will do what it takes to make that happen, within my rights of course."


Originally Posted By: robx
Have you picked them up and kept them for a few days yet, nothing is stopping you. Your wife is apparently capable of doing it, nothing stops her, you are capable also, let her know that you're picking up the kids and just do it. Pussyfooting around with emails & texts will not get the job done.

Call her, "wife, I'm picking up the kids today after school, they will be with me today, tomorrow and Saturday, I'll drop them off Sunday at noon."


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2077515
09/16/10 10:16 PM
09/16/10 10:16 PM
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Originally Posted By: robx
Quote:
I stayed at my home last night, and I am going to continue to do so. When pressed, I plan to say that she cannot force me to leave and leave it at that. I will not abandon my son.


"When pressed?!"

Methinks you might be a little scared to pull it off,
give it to her straight, if you want to stop the cycle, you do it by actually changing how you do things.

Instead of saying
"You can't force me to leave.... blah blah blah"

Why not stand up for yourself a little and tell her
"I've DECIDED that I WILL STAY,
you CAN DECIDE if YOU WANT TO LEAVE"

If she mentions why should she leave if she's done nothing, you tell her she's done PLENTY!

Being afraid of your wife (or vice versa your husband depending on your situation) is $hitty type of marital relationship to be in.

Life is too short to be in a relationship where you're afraid of your spouse.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2077519
09/16/10 10:27 PM
09/16/10 10:27 PM
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Originally Posted By: Coach
So you are being a good dad, working on yourself and still you are in limbo....Start moving on. Become mysterious. Flirt for the sake of flirting. Make people glad to be around you, radiate warmth and let your charisma flow. Your wife is watching you. Be catnip.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2077525
09/16/10 10:42 PM
09/16/10 10:42 PM
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Originally Posted By: Coach
Confidence comes from being prepared.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
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