I think the issue of being friends with your ex is a lot clearer when there is infidelity. Let's focus on the classic WAS, who says ILYB. He/she has built a wall to shield themselves from the pain of the relationship which has also blocked out the intimacy/connection.
1. Can you be friends with this WAS?
2. Should you be friends with the WAS?
3. If not, should you make it clear that you will not be friends?
My WAW and I do not fight, are not hostile, and sleep in the same bed. We still enjoy each other's company despite the underlying tension and the elephant in the room. (She filed, but we are stuck together for the indefinite future because of the house and our inability to separate until we can sell it.) I think she is getting the impression that we will always be friends. I don't know that I can/want/should do that.
What's the classic line women give men when they want to break-up? "we can still be friends." which means, "I'm not attracted to you." You'll never be attractive to her again by staying in the friend role. You'll be attractive when another woman sees value in you. When you are confident enougth to let her go and move on. Woman don't respect a H who will allow himself to be her friend and get nothing a wife offers in return.
This is why the footrubbing and giving massages with nothing in return is silly. I am not saying don't give affection but a woman knows how the game is played. She expects you to ask for something.
The English word eunuch is from the Greek eune ("bed") and ekhein ("to keep"), effectively "bed keeper".
Not the role you want.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
What's the classic line women give men when they want to break-up? "we can still be friends." which means, "I'm not attracted to you."You'll never be attractive to her again by staying in the friend role. You'll be attractive when another woman sees value in you. When you are confident enougth to let her go and move on. Woman don't respect a H who will allow himself to be her friend and get nothing a wife offers in return.
I agree 100% with this. It's taken me a long time to finally understand this.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
How would you treat someone that broke an important contract with you, someone that has shown you you cannot trust, and someone that through their own selfish behavior is harming your children? Treat her the way you would treat that person.
I could be civil. I certainly wouldn't be friendly. And there is no way on earth I would have a person that has so little regard for me and our children as a friend. But that is just me.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
My opinion on this is that you should not explicitly state that you will "Not Be Friends" . If she asks the question then just say sure.
But don't do anything to maintain the friendship and let her do all the work. Just be friendly but distant.
My W broke up with me after we dated for about 6 mnts with the old "I'm just not attracted to you" line. But no OM involved. Then she said she still liked me and was hoping we could remain friends. I said sure and then went off and done my own thing. When she initiated contact I just did the bare minimum to not insult her friendship. Not because I wanted her back but just because I was busy with other stuff. Eventually she became more persistent and we got back together. 8 years later we are married / separated and I am here.
This time she is having an A so cant really do the friends thing from my side. She asked again and I just said I had no real interest in it.
This time I am just letting go. No interest in affair busting. Not sure what my reaction would be if she wants to come back eventually. But really don't think that's going to happen so life goes on. My life was fun before I met her and is still fun now she's gone.