Coach and I were talking over dinner tonight – well, I was talking and he was actively listening about what a difference it makes who is telling the story of a breakup. And it matters who is listening to the story, too, in terms of the advice and counsel.
Reflecting on a recent poster (Doodi), I was opining that if I had come on DB some years back and told my story at that time in the Coach-Greek history, I would have looked very differently to y’all than I did when Coach got on here and told his story. He would look very differently to you, too, in part because I would be telling the story. Perspective. Thank God he found this site when he did – don’t misunderstand me. My point is that it really depends on who is telling the story, doesn’t it? And it’s not about honesty or the lack of – it’s the lens and the focus.
So I wonder, for those of you on the journey to save your marriage, sharing on this forum, seeking, reaching out – could you construct a post from your spouse’s perspective? To the LBS ~ what would your WAS post if they were the one to find this place first? What would their handle be and how would they title their thread? Can you put yourself in their shoes and construct that first post? Just thinking about that, whether you actually write it, could be so helpful to you.
Compassion. Empathy. Understanding.
Can you handle it? Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
My H is a lazy, verbally abusive, prick when he drinks and plays his damn game all night, every night. Then gets upset when I don't communicate to him. He doesn't even care about anything else, I don't know what's wrong with him. Maybe I should ask him? No I'll just drop hints that he's too distracted to notice.
Then I'm going to cheat on him for a year and then punish him by moving out to my sister's house while he thinks I'm fixing me and then dump him. He's not going to know anything and I'm going to lie to him about everything.
My H never paid attention to me. He left me home alone all the time while he went out with his friends or played golf. I stayed at home with our son since the day he was born as my fulltime job. Even when he was here, he wasn't "here". He didn't spend enough time with our son either.
I never really told him that I felt so lonely, and in fact I encouraged him to go and play golf with his friends a couple times a week because I know that makes him happy. He works really hard and also want him to be happy outside of work. I didn't want to try and control him by telling him he couldn't go do things outside the home, so I encouraged him to do them. But it just made me sad that he was gone so much.
My H is really selfish. He always thinks about himself first, and leaves me and my son to fend for ourselves. He spends our money recklessly, not so much lately, but in the past years he did spend everything we made. He doesn't even take care of the nice things that he buys. I have very few nice things like him.
I was very lonely in our M and he never would listen to me. I would tell him sometimes how I felt but not very often. We fought every six months about the same things. When a guy I met at community college started telling me I was pretty, that I was very attractive, that I was interesting and that if I wasn't married he would be with me in a heartbeat - it felt really good. It felt like someone valued me. So, I had an EA with him. And as I felt that feeling from him, I also went out to seek other men on the internet to make me feel the same as he did. When I was doing all this I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was so angry and resentful at my H that at the time I didn't care. I didn't care how he felt, it made me feel good.
I know that I should value myself, and I'm working on that really hard right now. I'm not talking to any OM, and I know that I shouldn't have sought value from OM to begin with, but I was really sad, lonely and angry.
I'm so tired of my H not being there for me and listening to me. He is a good father, and I still love him, but I'm not sure he will change. I see that he is trying, but I'm not sure that these things will stick. I'm really scared to go back home to him because I'll just get sucked into this M again somehow and before I know it, 5 more years will have gone by and I'm back here again. I will not let that happen again.
I know taking my son away from his father for a lot of time might hurt both John and our son, but I think that we can work together and co-parent and be good friends if we D. Our son won't suffer from this because we will be able to both be good parents and he won't see us fighting together ever again.
- Mrs. John
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
My wife and I were high school sweethearts, had a rough time in college, split up a couple of times, but found our way back to each other and got married. Had a great time for the first 6 years - we played, partied, worked, built a house, enjoyed each other and our lives. Had our first child and things began to change - W began not paying as much attention to me and I wasn't sure I really wanted to be a father. Then child #2 came along with an unexpected disability. That was tough to swallow. Then W isn't paying even more attention to my needs and on top of it wants to work part-time. More pressure on me to bring home the bacon. Then we moved back to our hometown and I began commuting an hour each way. That made it tough to spend quality time with my family and W is tired from having the 2 kids and working part-time, but she agreed to take care of everything because I drive, so what can I do. We still have a pretty good social life and I get out when I want, but W doesn't want to have much sex, which is frustrating. Maybe I'll talk to her about it... or maybe not. Hey, kid #3 is here. Great. Even more pressure for $$ and W wants to cut back hours even more to avoid daycare costs. And now she's really tired and grouchy b/c I'm never home. Maybe I'll talk to her about it... or just make a quick mention and see what happens. I'll just stop initiating and see if she even cares. Hey, there's a really cute new girl at work. She seems nice. We have a lot in common. She's married with 3 kids like me. We really get along great and her marriage seems pretty crappy. She really understands me and my issues. She really enjoys sex and thinks my wife is a prude. I think she's right. Plus new girl thinks I'm really attractive and funny, just like everyone else here at work that is an hour away from my reality. Too bad my wife doesn't think so - all she cares about is how clean the house is and how I never help her with anything. I bet new girl isn't like that at home. Wow, new girl is a really good kisser. Too bad my wife doesn't kiss like that - she never did. I don't even think I liked the way she kissed me. She never wants to be with me anyway so I'll just shower new girl with attention and see what happens. Hey, that's awesome! New girl loves attention from me and I get the same in return. I think I love her. I never really liked my wife anyway. She was never any fun. I'm going to spend as much time at work as possible, including going out of town on business trips, maybe with new girl. Hmmmm...wife seems to be on to me. I'll just tell her that I'm not happy and haven't been for a long time. I'm sure she'll understand. Oh wait, that didn't work and now wife found the journal new girl and I were keeping to document our precious love. Stupid wife - she ruins everything. If she'd only seen how unhappy I was, I never would have noticed new girl. It's really her own fault for letting me go. Now she's ruined my relationship with new girl, but I'll keep working here so I can see and talk to new girl everyday, even if we can't have sex anymore. And wife keeps saying she'll change, but I know that's not true. Well, crap - wife just freaked out and said some really hateful things to me. I was so right to get out of this marriage. She's just hateful. And she told me that I can't stay at the house anymore. Guess I'd better find a new place to live. I bet new girl could stay with me sometimes. And I'll have the kids with me every other weekend and couple of times a week, so they'll be just fine. And my friends and family will understand how justified I was to do all this. Plus none of them will say anything about it because they won't want to upset me. Wife will find someone new and just move on. It's no big deal, really.
My W and I have been married for 16 years. We have had ups and downs..actually a lot of downs. We have tried again and again to make this M work and we just can't do it.
I've been feeling really down since I returned from Afghanistan. I have no one to talk to. My W has no idea what it was like and I can't tell her, she won't understand. Instead I spend more and more time alone. It's peaceful when I'm alone.
I met someone on the Internet. She is like a breath of fresh air. She is also having some marital problems and completely understands what I am going through. She listens to me. She's nice to me. She makes me feel young again. I have feelings for her that I haven't had for my W in years, if ever. I can talk to her for hours.
W found out about OW and is unbearable. We constantly fight. W is always nagging me to stop being friends with OW. How is that fair? We are just friends. I can be friends with someone of the opposite sex, I'm not a child. W says it's an affair. How stupid is she? It's not like I'm sleeping with OW.
W gave me an ultimatum. Either I stop being friends with OW or I move out. I don't like ultimatums so I left. Who does W think she is? She does not control me. I can't stand being around her anymore. This will be a welcome change.
I think I'll go on a little trip to see my sister. Turns out the OW is going on vacation and will be near where I am going. I am going to stop to see her. We're just friends, so it's not a big deal.
I met OW. I slept with her. I didn't mean to. It wasn't what I planned, it just happened. As long as I don't tell my W it will be okay. She asked me if I saw OW. I found out my W was checking up on me, with the credit card. What a b!tch. I have no privacy. Who does she think she is anyway? Who could ever live with someone like that? At least I don't have to see her everyday anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I still love my W but I also love OW. I'm so confused. W seems to be getting along without me. She's not calling or texting. I wonder why.
W and I are going to try MC. W says I need to break it off with OW but I can't. I told W I am but she can't see the phone bill and since we are still separated so she'll never know. OW knows not to call when I am around my W.
Bad news. W found some old e-mails and knows I met OW. I don't know why she has to snoop. I told her we met but denied sleeping with OW.
Well, it came out in MC. Wife knows I slept with OW. I didn't want to tell her because I knew it was going to kill her. You should have seen it, I feel like a piece of sh!t. W wants to know why the A happened but I don't know. I was a different person then. It wasn't me... I have completely broken it off with OW...I can't do this to my W anymore.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
I've been thinking a lot about my H's perspective lately. This is really thought provoking but I don't think I'm ready to try and write what he might've said had he found this place first. Although, I will say, I think it may sound pretty familiar to Faith2010's post.
Me: 24 H: 26 2 SS: 7 & 5; D: 3 H filed D papers: 8/2/10 OW discovered: 08/10 D papers counter-filed: 10/2/10 There is no method to my madness
Wow, leave it to me to start something. So I'm going to give this a go...
I met my W over 20 years ago. Both of us just out of HS, both of us hanging out and living at home. It didn't take me long to figure out that she was the girl for me.
Our relationship had some early challenges. I wasn't sure that she would keep loving me after I moved but she did. She was even the reason I decided to join the military. I didn't really care what I did, there was no rush, but we talked about the next step and she wasn't coming home until I was on my own.
When she came back things were tough. Not really us, but money. In the beginning, a night out meant we actually went to the dollar movie. But it didn't matter we liked hanging out at home watching movies. Give us a TV and video games, and we were set.
Life was good. We didn't have kids until the 5 yr mark. Prior to that our lives were work, hang, ML and the occasional trip. Once the kids came she wanted to stay home. It didn't bother me, it was something we decided on. The money situation got tighter but she was never a spender.
Honestly she never did anything. She didn't shop. She didn't really have friends...well unless you count the one she talked to on the phone daily. She didn't have a hobby. She didn't want to go anywhere. She just wanted to sit around all the time.
Things started to change when we got to VA. She had a few more friends. PTA things that kept her busy and she finally found a hobby. She seemed happy enough. We bought our first house and I really thought things were good. I mean I know we had our fights but who doesn't.
She dropped a nuclear bomb on my world in may. All of a sudden she doesn't love me. But not only that she thinks she never had. Has my whole life been fake. She says that I've emotionally abused her for years. Ok, if I'm honest I did have a very bad temper. We had fights, some pretty good ones, but abuse is harsh. I guess she doesn't remember fighting back. Of course, she only remembers taking it, not dishing it.
I thought I was getting better. After I came from Iraq, I know I was changed. But I was in counseling and I was trying. I didn't yell nearly as much and we hardly ever fought. But she still isn't happy. I only played my computer game because she said she didn't care. She never cares about anything. She always says do what makes me happy and now she's coming back and blaming me for everything.
Our sex life is non-existent. She never initiates and she hardly ever even wants it. Every thing has to be up to me in the bedroom. Recently every time I do finally get to the point where I'm tired of waiting we have a fight because I want it and then I still don't get it.
So my marriage is over. She says its her fault and that she's the one with the problems. She's the one who doesn't want to do anything but sit and read or play on her laptop. She never wants to go out with me. She hardly even wants to watch a movie with me. She never wants to kiss me or even give me a hug. I have to ask for everything. She doesn't talk to me. She's the one looking at our past and filtering out all the good in our marriage. There is no way this woman would have stayed with me for 20 years if she didn't love me. How in the world can she say that now.
I just feel so helpless. What can I do if everything is her problem? She can't even tell me what she wants. The only thing she knows for sure is that she doesn't love me the right way. She loves me like a friend. WTF. I have no idea what I can do to save my marriage. Everything is up to her so I just have to sit and wait.
Well that's how I THINK he would write his side. I censored some of his fave words but I think you get the picture.
Greek/Coach since I was the topic of some dinner conversation, I would love to hear more about what you think of my issues. Thanks for the homework assignment though, it does help.
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."