Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 35 of 37 1 2 33 34 35 36 37
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
Lol, and that was the short version. Probably a good thing the longer one got zapped.


Best,
Oldtimer
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
Oh forgot:

"I will not promote a R between my kids and their father's gf."

Well, that's a relief :-p

Best thing is to stay out that R altogether, MYOB, not-about-you-ize it. Unless, of course, there is some present reason based on something that actually happens to think your children are at risk.

Don't manage their R with XH or with GF. Really not your job.

Now, when are you going to have a *great* playdate at your house? That will be fun to plan!


Best,
Oldtimer
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
Donna...Iwish I could just give you a hug and cuppa already.

My ex husband beat the snot out of me...cause kidney damage actually because bruises there don't really make the morning news, you know.
He is a bad person with a screwed up past
He loved the boys in his own warped way

he was not safe for me to be around
and
i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaated that he was the boys' dad

but I tried my hardest to make sure they were safe and still allowed a relationship with him

he chose not to be around them any more

yay for me
but they hurt because of that decision

maybe it isn't safe for you to be around her yet
and
you don't need to think she is the best influence in their lives

but
she IS in their life

now the best you can do is look at it as another person who loves your kids...maybe not like you, maybe not healthyish, but she is a presence

We all have had shite happen in our lives...to varying degrees

and

no

you wouldn't want to live in blissful ignorance as to what was going on

what lesson would that have taught your children?

being aware means embracing and finding the joy in all things

when we learn the lesson
we can stop repeating the class

i tell my boys it is the "glowing"

when the world is at it's darkest and it seems as though light will never happen, we need to find our glowing to help us...with that glowing we can even see some of the wonderful things the darkness gives us

there were many times in my life that finding the glowing was hard, if not almost impossible, there were many times that I was curled fetal and terrified, suffocating in the dark...I don't want my children to ever feel that...
neither do you
and
if they do ever find themselves there
they need to be able to find their glowing

we are all damaged
but we are not only our damage

you are so much more than this Donna
but sometimes I think you see yourself as only this

come look in my mirror
see what I see

Oprah says...when there is no struggle, there is no strength

let yourself feel your own strength and power

Deepak Chopra says...Everytime you are tempted to react int he same old way, ask yourself if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the furture

open those doors to the furture, look ahead instead of behind

Nelson Mandela says...As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others

let yourself see how great your daughter felt when you had your talk with her

Soren kierkegaard said...TO dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself.

You my brilliant artist friend, shine in so many ways...dare to see those ways yourself

Willima Shedd says...A ship is safe in the harbor, but thet's not what ships are for

don't be afraid to move beyond your marriage...to be who you truly are inside....you don't need that marriage and safety net to define you

Anthony RObbins says....The past does not equal the future

you know this...

I think that in your marriage, you were like a canary in a cage...beautiful, singing and confined...you were happy because it was what you knew...now the door is open and it is exciting and scary and sad that the cage is gone...you know...no seeds right there BUT now you can pick your own seeds, sing where you want!!!! It is scary to be without that security blanket but so much more liberating and comfortable, in the end, to have made your own

Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
Nelson Mandela says..."As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others"

Thanks for the excellent quotes, all great, especially love the Mandela.

Invictus is pretty good, BTW


Best,
Oldtimer
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
haven't seen it yet but heard it was good...that is one of my favorite quotes

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,372
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,372
FIGG,

I heard on another thread that you have a fun "ring story." Can you share it, please?

Sorry to hi-jack this thread...

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
Oh, my dear, dear friends. Thank you so much for these words that I woke up to today (yes, slept late due to the pickling of my head - I felt hungover this morning). I feel a little guilty that any of you actually took time out to respond to that outburst last night.

At least I can see that there are much fewer triggers to the crazy at this stage in the game - maybe this is even the last one...?

It doesn't seem that I move on and grow without a screaming and kicking fight, but I am getting there, nonetheless.

The inner child who reacts/wants to stay codependent/feels every emotion so hugely, would still like to take a bat to that woman's head. Luckily, the adult Donna, I am in charge!


I am an optimist; at least that is how I self-identify. I always have been.
See, I listed the trials and tribulations that I have gone through, because of how I got through them - it was hard, I was sad, but a NORMAL level of sad. I didn't loose my sh!t. As a matter of fact, I was strong and able to deal with the crisis smoothly, and able to be there for anyone around me who was struggling. (An ACOA trait, actually - calm and collected in a crisis). I felt things, but my head also stayed in control - there's that word...

The crazy person that this betrayal brought out in me.......that has never been me. Not only did my entire world turn upside down, but I became someone unrecognizable to myself.
I would have been very happy to live my life without ever having to get to deal with that inner crazy that must have been in there all this time.
And it would have been nice if I didn't have to meet and deal with X's inner NPD, either. But, I guess both things had to come out eventually (amazing that it held together for as long as it did, really).

So, here we are, and I am dealing with it. Learning, growing and healing.

This quote:
Quote:
I think that in your marriage, you were like a canary in a cage...beautiful, singing and confined...you were happy because it was what you knew...now the door is open and it is exciting and scary and sad that the cage is gone...you know...no seeds right there BUT now you can pick your own seeds, sing where you want!!!! It is scary to be without that security blanket but so much more liberating and comfortable, in the end, to have made your own

Fig, did you know that I have decorated my house with butterflies and birds?
I have statuettes of birds throughout the house, and a few birdcages, as well.
I have always displayed the cages with the doors open...

Last edited by Donna...Found; 08/27/10 04:30 PM.
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
Invictus was an awesome movie, btw...

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 5,992
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 5,992
The poem is awesome too!...

Originally Posted By: Invictus by William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
(((((Donna))))),

I am going to refrain from being one telling you how you should feel. The anger and emotions are natural and even necessary to a point, but what everyone is trying to say -- albeit in ways we certainly don't agree upon -- is that they can consume you. I am confident that you do understand this, all too well.

I will diverge from some by saying that you do not have to relax your guard or pretend that the OP is (or ever will be) a positive influence on your children. To the contrary. To make such a pretense would be a disservice to your children.

But like it or not, she is (for now at least) being brought into their lives, and there is very little you or anyone can do about that. You have to come to terms with the fact that she is simply a part of the environment -- to which you must prepare your children. But the plain fact is, the world is full of sad, lost people who do deserve our pity -- but we should still keep them at arms length and in plain view at all times. You don't have to forgo civility or allow them to upset your inner peace, and you don't have to play nice-nice with them either, certainly not when they refuse to respect your own boundaries. It would be better to show your children that you are willing to act and do what's best for everyone's sake, even if that means establishing a sort-of peace -- while still maintaining and defending your personal and familial boundaries. (I can predict that some will disagree with the best approach to that.)

It is a fine balancing act -- and no, it is not and will not be easy to maintain.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
Page 35 of 37 1 2 33 34 35 36 37

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard