Essentially, after tonight, I think this is where I am at:
I will not promote a R between my kids and their father's gf.
I have reiterated to them over and over that their father loves them very much, and that our divorce had nothing whatsoever to do with them.
My S15 knows the reasons that I don't like, trust or respect the gf - he gets it.
I told D11 that the gf had betrayed my friendship and that I am wary of her, but that I also trust my D to come to me with any concerns, or to go to another safe adult like her grandparents, other family, or her IC. I apologized to her if I had added to any stress she might have had. I want her to be happy, and comfortable when she visits her dad. She did say that she did want to be able to have playdates with her bff (who happens to be the gf's D). I told her that she didn't have to worry about my feelings with that, I was glad she said something, and I would be OK for playdates at either home. I had always been open to the girl coming here, but I guess she wasn't allowed because I wouldn't let D11 over there without her father also present. That is the point that she looked the most relieved.
Bravo Donna! Keep the focus on what is best for the kids and try to put everything that hurt you emotionally in the past to the dark coner of your mind called knowlege and life experiences.
I agree with the advice given by oldtimer that it is highly unlikely that XH's gf is evil. She and your H were caught up in the moment of new found passion which overwhelmed the day to day routines of married life which required continued work and ambition to keep the love alive. Her actions during that time were distorted because of the new found passion and the guilt of doing something wrong.
It is still no excuse for what she did and I am sure it will be something she and your H will have sorrow, or even regret, in the many years to come. My mom admitted that she had her own demons about leaving my brother and I following her A and subsequent divorce. But it does not mean that they cannot also put such bad things in the corner of the mind and move forward with a good life ahead.
You will get there in time. Your marriage was much longer than mine so it just needs more healing time. It is also most likely harder when it is a friend that betrayed you. You probably need to stop stirring up in your mind the poor qualities as a mother from her past. Look to what she does now. It the kids get along with her, that is going to work out well. I say this because Ed was estranged from all or some of his 4 sons. But he is good with my kids - to the point where they tell me more than I care to hear about how much they love him.
NoCode - You seem to want to stay on that high moral horse and let what happened in the past continue with a future of bitterness towards those that betrayed you. I get your whole forgive but never forget, but forgiveness also allows for locking away the bad things into a dark corner of ones mind as knowlege. Most people should not be comapred as snakes - people can change and not just shed a skin.
No one is saying to be friends with those that did such a terrible thing to break up a family or putting blame on Donna. We just want to see her move beyond the disgust she has for the prior friend who was a contributer to the break up of her family. It is much easier to move forward with kindness than to keep a tense hostile attitude towards those that have betrayed in the past.
I had some huge bitterness and disgust for my XW. It would cause my blood to boil when bumping heads with her and some of it was because of what she did in the past to our family. She also, during the time of hostility, must have seen a counselor because her tone changed (almost like an assignment from the C) and she became quite gracious in our conversations. I think it rubbed off on me as I find that when we both speak now that there is never any conflict. We both seek clarification as to our kids schedule and needs and we even occasionally shoot the breeze. And we dont mention anything of our past relationship and why it failed.
Look for olive branches being extended by X's and respond in kind. It is so much easier to live in peace with X's than one of resentment and anger and constant suspicion.
Truth is, I think it would hurt me if they loved her. Like it hurt when x loved her.
It would feel like another betrayal. It is not fear of abandonment, like it was with him.
And I know that is much more about me than concern for the kids (although that is there, too).
I just don't want to get hurt anymore by this woman.
She has 4 of her own kids - why can't she just leave mine alone? I think the push that x and gf have to be good with the kids is so that they can feel better as people.
X is their father. She is nothing to them, and shouldn't be.
God, I know that this sounds like I am going backwards. My head and heart are at war again.
I can't believe I am f'ing crying over this same crap.....AGAIN!! I hate what all of this has turned me into.
I'm the crazy ex-wife who can't get over it.
I might have been codependent before all this happened..... but I was never like this. I was a good person who saw and expected the good in everyone. I loved my family and friends, and had had enough reserves to "spare" and help others, do community service. Coping mechanisms did the job so I could actually flourish.
Both parents died young. Issues with mom and her alcoholism. My sister growing up with fibro and into manic depression, and her shutting me out of her life completely (more than once). The scare with my daughter when she was born, and the skull surgery.
Life's up and downs, and some serious bad things happened, but I didn't get depressed about it - I was together, competent. Definitely NOT crazy.
I hate that he did this to me. That she did this to me. That there is some major crap inside of me that allowed it all to happen. That I was messed up enough to not see it coming, to think that I was happy. I thought I was happy, even with all of life's trials.
I imagine that this is similar to soldiers coming back from war - ok, now hurry up and get back to normal.
I'm telling you, I would trade all this knowledge-through-pain that I've acquired over the last 3+ years for my previous blissful obliviousness. In a heartbeat.
I used to be so grateful for the life I had - I felt lucky, blessed everyday, from the day I met him. Now, other than my kids, I regret ever having known him at all.
I posted many months ago on one of my threads about the hurt feelings I had that my kids were referring to Ed as Daddy or Daddy #2. I was given some great advice by the guy I work for (backed by his wife and mother) along with Mike in Tennessee. It all boils down to the DB principle of letting water fall off your back like a duck. And doing what creates the least amount of turmoil for your kids no matter how f'd up you percieve things.
You will always be your children's mother. Nothing will diminish your real role as their true loving mother. Period. But there is not much you can or should control in the relationship your kids have with their father and possible step-mother. As the Beatles once sang...When you find your self in times of trouble...Let It Be.
Your kids already know your dissatisfaction you have about H and GF. It is best to drop it and not ask or persuade them. It will only cause them extra conflict which they dont need during a difficult time of adolescence and teen years.
Originally Posted By: Donna...Found
Suffering is delayed acceptance, right?
Good observation. I am not a Buddhist (once married to one), but I do know that the 4 noble truths have suffering as the core...
1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.
I think part of the Eightfold Path of #4 could be interpreted as..."Let go or Be dragged". Hmmm....where did I read that phrase before?
Donna - I wish the confusion between your head and heart to mend and that you wish for no bad disappering to befall upon another. Life is too short to let the poor choices of others influence our path.
Strength and Honor - Strength to do the right thing even if it hurts you and Honor to do the right thing all of the time.
You have gone through some turmoil. Everyone does. I have been quite lucky in that regards since my life has been pretty easy going. Some people are just dealt a different deck of cards that are beyond their control. I accept that there are bad days and good days ahead for me.
I believe the best thing to understand is that pessimism invites more turmoil, whereas opptimism causes good to flourish. I started watching the documentary movie called "The Secret" and they kept repeating this same idea before I turned it off after 20 minutes. It seemed a pretty basic idea that I think all should live by.
You are 40 years old and have a wonderful life ahead. The words you write are of someone that is in pain, but also someone who has a deep emotional desire to relieve the pain. You know what causes it. You are not crazy. You just desired what most of us wanted who write on these forums - a loving beautiful intact family.
Trust me and others - your happiness and fullfillment will return, and with time, you may again share it with someone.
I believe the best thing to understand is that pessimism invites more turmoil, whereas opptimism causes good to flourish. I started watching the documentary movie called "The Secret" and they kept repeating this same idea before I turned it off after 20 minutes. It seemed a pretty basic idea that I think all should live by.
Kerry - this is SO true. All of us here have been dealt a bad hand. Some of us have had more than one bad hand. For me it was my son's brain damage at age 4 and the loss of my Mom to cancer. Yep - bad hands. But this is LIFE. and life is like that. You never know what you're gonna get. But with bad hands come good hands. And I, like everyone else has been dealt MANY good hands too. Our kids, our health, our lifestyles etc.
Count your blessings means so much. I choose to focus on the good in my life. You know - making Lemonade from your Lemons. So many people have said to me - "How do you ever go on? You have had so many crushing blows" - hmmm... OK, I think to myself. Do I have a choice? Ummm - yes. I guess we all do. I could have put my son in a home. (not the plan for ME). Or never tried to go on after my ex left (not the plan for ME). Or, I can get up every day. Decide to make that day the only day I CHOOSE to enjoy and just do it.
Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Never give up. Never lose sight of all the beautiful things in your life.
God gave me ONE life. I choose to live it to the fullest extent.
Be sure to check out my little link (very short) on Facebook with my clip on "How to Stay Positive". My friends didn't nickname me Positive Barb for nothing.
And anyone else who wants to see it - add me. You know the first name. Last name starts with the name of Barbie's boyfriend followed by yeres. & I meant the Mattel boyfriend, not Josh! LOL! Just add a message so I know who YOU are!
Shoot, I had almost completed a big long post and it got zapped. Now I gotta run, so very quickly...
"I'm the crazy ex-wife who can't get over it."
This is B.S. You are riding a huge positive (if difficult) surge forward right now. You aren't stuck, you are doing great. Now, stop the self-flagellation, make-yourself-a-victim, take-me-to-my-comfort-zone talk. You aren't crazy, you will get through it and beyond it.
"I told her that she didn't have to worry about my feelings with that, I was glad she said something, and I would be OK for playdates at either home."
This is HUGE, and a very generous and loving action from a mother for her daughter. See, you DO HAVE POWER here to make your kids' lives better. They can't be caught in a battlefield if their is no battle. Recognize what a strong and loving thing you did. YOU DID IT. YOU HELPED HER.
The really big deal with DD was not in telling her yet again that she didn't have to worry about you, but that your actions matched your words better.
And, I think your actions matched your words better because you are getting more honest with yourself and more objective about what is going on...
"Truth is, I think it would hurt me if they loved her. Like it hurt when x loved her.
It would feel like another betrayal."
For you to really come out and be this direct with yourself is HUGE. You are much more honest with yourself, and much more open to hearing and thinking around this issue. This is a really big deal. Give yourself a pat on the back.
And, I'm sure you already know that this isn't great for your kids. It is best for them if they feel truly free to forge a healthy R with a significant adult who is effectively part of their family. She isn't going anywhere, she's been in their lives since they were tiny. All signs point to her being in their lives when they grow up and have children. Free them to have a good, loving R with her, if that is what works for them. Let them figure out what they want and to make whatever it is an authentic R with her. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. Don't make it about you. They will not love you less if they accept or embrace her, which they may or may not do. (If anything, they will love you more because the enhanced freedom makes more room for love.) The important thing is that they have the space to do so and are not saddled with the chore of managing that relationship in a way that makes it about you because they have to protect you.
And, words help, but they aren't enough. You know your kids are sensitive enough to understand that right now their R with her is about you in your own heart. They will manage you, their R with her, and so on, to protect you. Not their job, but they will keep making it their job until you accept, let go, detach, make it not about you in your own heart.
So, NO MORE BEATING UP DONNA. You are doing great!
Finally, with the compassion thing, try to think of their story as something you read in a well-written novel with complex characters. What would get those characters in a position to treat others so horribly?
Hugs, and yay Donna. I really think you're in the middle of a pretty significant jump forward and up :-)
