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Well, let's look at those things. Those details certainly fit your victim narrative, the story you like to tell yourself. But, there really is more than one side to these stories.

You seem to ASSume -- that her laughter was ABOUT YOU meant to hurt you and show contempt, you take it as an attack. Maybe it was.

But keep in mind that GF was not trying to hurt you when she and XH started the A, she was trying to address her own pain. I can't quite remember how the A was exposed, but I'm pretty sure that you did it in a manner intended to hurt her. That is, you WERE trying to hurt her. And, neither XH nor GF were particularly keen on giving up their families. Didn't GF try to reconcile (briefly)? Remember XH's crazy idea about you three living together or something? You made things happen that caused them pain and embarrassment and tore apart their families before they were ready. Not saying you did anything wrong, merely stating fact. So, maybe her laughter was a form of hitting you back, a form of aggression. But, certainly you can understand striking out at someone who harms you? So, perhaps it was a hostile act by a desperate woman in pain striking out at the wrong targets.

But, really, I think it was probably uncontrollable nervous laughter due to her shame and embarrassment combined with the high stress of the situation.

Or maybe it was due to fear. You really don't know.

But, I personally doubt it was the laugh of an evil monster who intended to injure you. She was your friend, she cares for your children, I think you probably would have noticed before the A if she were evil incarnate.

Try reading here, especially B. Aggression, C. Fear, and D. Social Anxiety. I'd put money on her laugh falling under C or D rather than B.

Of course, that doesn't fit the victim narrative so nicely.


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Ack, can't edit.

To clarify -- I am NO WAY meaning to suggest that you are responsible for GF's family breaking up. She owns all that. I'm just trying to suggest how she might have felt in her messed up world....


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AND I forgot the link. (Never post too fast because 4-year-old is walking in door...)

http://books.google.com/books?id=9Jx1VU2...ter&f=false

B. Aggression is on p. 73...


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"I personally doubt it was the laugh of an evil monster who intended to injure you."

Well....I think she went forward not caring if she hurt me or not, that I didn't deserve him. She didn't care who she hurt, including all the kids involved.

A full year before the physical affair started, I had her over to my house to find out why she was being so cold to me when we were all together - what I had done to her? At that point, I knew she was in an unhappy marriage (she often cried to the women in our circle, played a martyr, but would never take our advice to actually talk to her husband and try to make things better - just said "I can't" - you stop having sympathy for someone like that after a few years). I called her on having a crush on my husband. She cried and said I must think she was such a slut (had I only known). I said no, that we could all get along and hang out, etc., but she had to have appropriate boundaries regarding my husband.
I am an idiot.
She told a friend's sister that she was in love with him (was acting like a high school girl with a crush), and that she would do anything to have him. Also said that he deserved so much better than me.

Yep, I take it that she attacked me, my marriage and my family.

And yes, he was an idiotic moron to fall for it, to get swept up by something more exciting outside of his stable, predictable, long-term marriage.

I really have serious doubts that he was in all that much pain...instead, I think he just got excited at the prospect of something new (especially since he had never been with anyone else). Boredom, complacency - but misery?

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"Or how she let me literally cry on her shoulder, her wishing she could do something to save my marriage, while she was sleeping with him."

As for this, your ASSumption is that she was lying, being intentionally evil, maybe secretly enjoying her duplicity.

I doubt it.

What else could have been going on? Maybe she was in denial, lying to herself. Surely you can understand denial of the obvious? Again, what lies and wishful thinking and denial were included in what XH and GF were telling themselves and each other... This will never happen again, this is just temporary while we get our lives together, just a temporary crutch, we'll never let it happen again, we both want each other's marriage to work, we don't want to break up the families, maybe we can help each other have better marriages, blah blah blah. Affairs aren't easy for people in long committed Ms. Their thinking would have been crazy and all over the place.

Moreover, she might have had to let you put your head on her shoulder because she literally couldn't bear to look at you and thereby be confronted by herself. Avoidance.

She may well also have been sincere, wishing she could save your M, but believing it to be dead before she came on the scene. Affair partners generally don't believe they caused a marriage to fail, and generally I think they are right. She may have been sorry about how messed up all your lives were, wishing they could magically be how they were supposed to be.

So, given her likely belief that she did not destroy your M, (warning weird analogy) to her it may have seemed like sincerely saying you are sorry that someone died while still being willing to take an organ of the deceased to save your life.

While, to you, it seems like lying about being sorry that someone is dying while you bleed them out so you'll be able to help yourself to an organ upon their death.

Only the second version is really evil. But, that is the kind of story you tell yourself about GF and her comforting you.

Again, who knows what was going on in that scenario. But if you extend some compassion and detach, maybe you can see that the non-evil version is probably more likely...


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Good article -

I read the whole thing. It was definitely aggressive laughter.
It went with the sneer and look of contempt on her face.

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Donna,

Look you aren't going to like this, but at the time she was saying/doing those things, odds are VERY damn high that the emotional affair and probably some degree of inappropriate PA (phone sex, etc) had already started and she was making her comments based on things that XH had shared with her. They probably commiserated about their pain and misery, only they could understand the other's pain, etc, blah blah blah. Acting giddy, like a teenager, etc... are signs of at least an EA in full swing, not of an envious neighbor.

You really don't want to let go of her being the problem in your M rather than the R between you and XH, huh?


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Ok, let's say it was aggressive laughter. Like I said, she had reason to be angry and act out. She was mad and upset at your actions.

But, beyond that, there is the biggie: PROJECTION

She may have been despising you because she was despising herself.

Again, detach for a moment. How did she get to that place where those words and laughter came out of her sneering mouth? What was really going on?

I don't think that it was genuine happiness that she and XH were able to dupe you.


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"I think she went forward not caring if she hurt me or not, that I didn't deserve him. She didn't care who she hurt, including all the kids involved."

Why would you think that? We all make (hopefully not so poor) choices that hurt people sometimes, that doesn't mean we don't care.


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Hi Donna
I have been going through this as long as you have. I know how hard it is. You sound like you are a very strong person. I have a 16 yr old son too. It is really sad how people can be so selfish to destroy children's lives with a. My father did this to my mother and 8 children's live were effected, 4 in our family, and 4 in ow's family.. God Bless your family.
M-22yrs
T-32 yrs

Last edited by rysmom; 08/27/10 12:02 AM.
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