Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 30 of 37 1 2 28 29 30 31 32 36 37
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
Forgiveness takes a while and it isn't something to tell them. Lord knows they would turn that into thinking we approved!! It is simple to say, "I forgive them for bombing my life." I had to reword that a couple of times because even though they would have to be stupid to think this wouldn't hurt you, they most likely didn't set out to hurt you. However they had to know what a mess this would create or at least have a clue.

Sometimes just saying it over and over like a mantra while taking deep breaths helps. After a while you will feel that weight lifted and you will feel a bit more free.

hugs, kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
Easier to "forgive them for bombing my life," than being able to forgive them for putting my children through this...

I think Kerry is amazing to be able to get past it and deal with Ed...I can't fathom it, and I doubt I will (but who knows? I didn't think I would survive the break-up, either).

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,710
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,710
Hey Donna,

I am really glad that the raccoon was not rabid! What a horror! Whew - one disaster avoided.

I agree about forgiveness. Certainly nothing I would bother telling. They never get it anyway. I will never forget but I choose to not let it consume any more of my life!

Barb

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
Oh, I am not looking for sainthood - would not be bothered letting either of them know how I was feeling or if I had forgiven them. But it is pretty obvious (I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, so to speak) when I run into her in town. I don't snarl (hey - those rabies could have come in as a handy excuse!)...more like looking through a person, as if she doesn't exist at all.

I don't hate them/her every second of every day - just wells up when I run into her or have to deal with them...I still don't enjoy going to their house to pick up my kids.

Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
OK, I wrote a post. You won't like it. Do you want it?


Best,
Oldtimer
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
Now if that isn't a loaded question! lol


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
Shoot - you always give me something to think about, at any rate.

I actually talked with D11 briefly about this today. I asked her if I made things harder for her by not getting along with gf. I said it must be hard to not have your mom and dad at things like birthdays together. I apologized and just said it is really hard. I told her that I hope she will be comfortable to talk to me about how she is feeling.

She had her school open house today, and ran into gf's two oldest daughters - one is her age and they have been best friends since birth. I sat and talked with the oldest D who is a senior in high school, catching up on her work, classes for next year, etc (she has always be very outgoing and I've known her since she is 5, babysitting and vacations while she was growing up).
I have nothing against the kids - you can't pick your parents.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 5,992
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 5,992
Bring it on Oldtimer!

When my parents divorced (because my mom's A), they had very minimal contact and my father would let it known somewhat of his dislike for OM (who used to be his good friend). However, I was 16 at the time and understood why he felt that way.

Dont beat yourself up about not forgiving or wanting to get along with your X's gf who was a contributer to the breakup of your family.

I am able to tolerate seeing or talking in a civil manner with Ed because I have a great sense of freedom now that I am D'd from my very selfish ex wife. I think they are made for each other and he is the one that must now deal with her spoiled selfish brat attitude.

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
My son is where you were - he gets it.

After talking with D11 this morning, I think she understands as much as she is can - I hope I was able to at least validate how she is feeling and that I understood that it can be hard.

Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
"Easier to "forgive them for bombing my life," than being able to forgive them for putting my children through this..."

Just like neither XH nor you alone created the problems in your M, neither XH, his GF, nor you alone create the problems in the scattered family dynamic now. You are part of what your children are going through. You own part of it.

Imagine how different things would be for your kids if you were different... Not saying I don't understand your feelings. You have a lot of power here that you aren’t using to make their lives better. If you can use some compassion and forgive, your kids' lives would include less strife and stress. So would yours.

I know it is hard Donna, I know. But have you tried setting aside your feelings for a bit, really detaching, and then thinking about how things must have been for XH and his GF? Neither was a serial cheater as far as I know. Both were in committed, monogomous, long-term Ms. They had to be in enormous pain for things to have proceeded as they did. That doesn't justify what they did, or make it right. But perhaps you can find some understanding. What was it about XH, his life, how he was raised, who he was, that made it too hard for him to show you his pain, maybe made it too hard for him to even clearly acknowledge it to himself? Why was he hurting so much and too fragile to address his pain in a better way?

What they did was NOT about hurting you, although it had that effect. Certainly, their current R IS NOT ABOUT YOU. So why make it about you?

Finally, what would have happened if the raccoon had done worse to you. If you were gone, would you really want your children to be saddled with a father whose significant other they really couldn’t embrace without betraying you. Would you want them to live with that the rest of their lives? But that is how they are already living….

Forgiveness does not require liking or friendship or approval, ya know? It just requires acceptance and compassion.


Best,
Oldtimer
Page 30 of 37 1 2 28 29 30 31 32 36 37

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard