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A Message from Michele
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Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2061295
08/23/10 04:12 AM
08/23/10 04:12 AM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
No the current marriage shouldn't be saved... any marriage that results in adultery needs to be reinvented, that goes without saying.

Your call on no contact... I don't think its ever too late to put a foot down and shut a spouse out... Particularly one like your husband who is doing a GREAT deal of damage to this marriage and is offering ZERO positive input, not even cash which is minimum

I don't think its ever too late to put a foot down.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2061311
08/23/10 05:42 AM
08/23/10 05:42 AM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
It throws a wrench in the affair busting process to go out to dinner with a spouse who is violating boundaries... you VALIDATE the affair when you do that...


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2062605
08/24/10 10:24 PM
08/24/10 10:24 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Well, I think it's important to directly confront a cheating spouse, so that you show a strong, principled stand, and so they know you're fighting for them, for your marriage, and for your family.

And I think Allen's advice about asking a family therapist, and your immediate and/or in-law family, to help persuade a wayward spouse is also important, because it exerts important, third-party influence (you are, after all, a totally biased party/vested interest here).

Make sense??

Puppy


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2062606
08/24/10 10:25 PM
08/24/10 10:25 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
You can't effectively lay out "what it will take," unless they've asked you what it will take. It will, in fact, seem instead like PURSUIT.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2062623
08/24/10 10:46 PM
08/24/10 10:46 PM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
Mike when I suggested you have your third party handle this info I am NOT suggesting you ask them to PASS a letter obviously written by you TO her...

I am suggesting that you put these boundaries together as a plan of attack for your family here...

Right now they likely don't know what boundaries to suggest or anything... How ARE they pressuring her specifically right now?

What kind of influence are they exerting specifically...

Where I am going with this is that your FAMILY can say

"WE don't trust you right now, your words mean little to US... WE have been lied to... WE would like you to attend FT for at least five months to be comfortable you are giving this marriage exit some serious thought... WE would like a letter sent to the OM by you and US.."

etc...

YOU don't send her anything. This way YOU aren't the bad guy.. her own family takes the hit...

I am NOT suggesting you appear to HIDE behind them.

My suggestions is to offer her family guidance in concrete specifics that are needed to allow repair work to begin... they likely have no idea...

You can just sit back and let them handle it and be the bad guy...

HOPEfully she turns to YOU when they give her a hard time...

see?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2062630
08/24/10 10:55 PM
08/24/10 10:55 PM
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Originally Posted By: Coach
You agree with her. This marriage isn't working for you either.

Remember the question - What do you want? Answer - You want her to be happy. If she would be happier without you then so be it. If it means you work on things great. Either way here is the plan.

Get a plan together for both instances and serve the option without revealing the plans. Wait for the answer and then execute the corresponding plan.

You respect her wishes and you will be fine regardless of the outcome. Then you let her go and let her be the next one to speak.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2062978
08/25/10 02:34 PM
08/25/10 02:34 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
NEVER go all "melty man" with a spouse who's still wayward. That's for us sensitive guys to do in the bathroom at 2 in the morning, with the exhaust fan on, and your head buried in a big fluffy bath towel.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2062991
08/25/10 02:48 PM
08/25/10 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted By: Coach
A strong, confident man would be happy someone else improved themselves. Your W has lost weight, improved her health and is improving her self-esteem and self-confidence. But instead you are jealous and angry because you are stuck.

Your W would never tell you that she is moving on. She knows you can't handle it. She's tired of that. It's unattractive and boring.

How long has she been telling you she wants out? She wants the house sold and the ties to be severed. What is it you are holding on to so dearly? Why are you afraid of letting her go?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2063002
08/25/10 03:00 PM
08/25/10 03:00 PM
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This is a great example how to change and IMPROVE COMMUNICATION:
Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
Don't snoop through my email.

I understand that you might get offended when people advise me to protect myself. This is part of the collateral damage done when families are approaching separation and divorce. I've been honest with you about my plans and intentions from the beginning, and I haven't done anything to break that trust.

I have nothing to hide, and I have no reason to lock my computer at this time. won't lock my computer either. But your actions are disrespectful to me and to our relationship. If you ever have any concerns or questions then ask and I will answer.


Edit out the controlling. Edit out the blame. Do not be a victim. Do not react, rather respond. I statements. Truth.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2063016
08/25/10 03:20 PM
08/25/10 03:20 PM
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Originally Posted By: Coach
Why should you be confident about your marriage? You are being naive.

Agree with him, this isn't working, he needs to move out, you need to get divorced because he's not a good husband or father.
Let him go, you are pursuing someone who doesn't value you. How does that make you look in his eyes?

When you stand up for yourself is when his feelings start to change.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
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