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IWITW,
Speaking of which:Where the heck and how the heck are you?
It's been seven weeks....


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Hello all, and thanks for checking on me bj and gardener.

I stopped by to actually ask a question, and I will update a bit, and then try and catch up on your sitches.

Question: My sister and brother in law are on the verge of separation and D. I have been talking with both of them, trying to get them some help, based on what I have learned here and elsewhere, but they just seem to be stuck in a downward spiral and neither wants to make a move forward vs splitting up. They were teenage sweathearts, and married for over 20 years, with a 13 year old daughter now. I have sent my sister info from here, and asked her to stop by, but she has not, which is too bad. I was hoping that I may be able to fine a 'reconciliation' story from someone here that I could send her in email, so that she knows that it CAN be worked out, vs just saying it's over. Any thoughts on a possible good one to send her? There is no infidelity, but my brother in law does have some alcohol problems, that are just being exacerbated by the situation they are in. It's breaking my heart, neither one of them wants to truly D, if you aske them separately, but they just won't move in the right direction vs arguing, focusing on the negative, etc.

Any advice, or stories that I could send them?

On to my updates:

Boy did Anger show up big time in the past month or so. My STBXW is taking me to court for emergency orders to say that I am disposing of marital assets, then at pre-trial followup her attorney filed a filing with the court that is just full of lies, and is now forcing me to answer 'interrogetories' of ridiculous nature, such as "List out all personal property you have that is valued at over $100 dollars" My attorney is objecting, but it is just ridiculous I am on the defense big time, and costing us a fortune in lawyer fees.

At the same time, my STBXW is emailing me asking for money for my D9 to give her art classes and kayak lessons, stating she has absolutely no money. Sadly, I have stopped replying to these types of emails, as she has burned any last bridges with me financially with this crap. I am fighting off bankruptcy and figuring out how to make rent payments with where the court has me, and have my own problems making sure my D9 is taken care of, so she is on her own. I will pay her what the court decides, and it is up to her now to do what she sees fit with her money while she has d9. I literally just took two days off of work to write a 10 page Microsoft Word document response to her Legal questions. And I have 2 other requests and document discovery to still go through!!!! Ugh!!!

And in the midst of all this, I have been working on myself, and seeing life in new ways, truly, and spending time with a women whom I didn't expect in my life. I spend my time in the present, and have stopped as much as possible living in the past, or projecting into the future, and that has brought me some immense happiness at the same time as financial ruin and an unknown future. The irony or dichotomy, or whatever you want to call it, has not been lost on me.

It didn't even dawn on me how happy I have been, until a friend of mine posted a picture of me on a facebook page that so startled me, and was so shocking, I couldn't believe it. You could tell in the photo that I was actually, 100 percent, truly happy with this huge smile and just enjoying myself, and the photo brought back the feeling of that moment and I was amazed.

It is possible to be happy, all of us have it in us, regardless of where we find ourselves in a given moment in time.

I will check in with your sitches, and hope to catch back up with some of you, and wish blessings to you all!!!

IWITW


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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iwitw,
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
...I was hoping that I may be able to fine a 'reconciliation' story from someone here that I could send her in email, so that she knows that it CAN be worked out, vs just saying it's over. Any thoughts on a possible good one to send her?...Any advice, or stories that I could send them?
Offhand, all I can think of is Mac-ct and Dia, though there are more. I recently read of some successes on another forum but can't seem to find it right now. Don't see it in "Piecing," though I may have not looked back far enough.

Mods? Any thoughts as to where we can find good evidence of Michelle's 85% success rate claim?

Sorry to hear about all the legal B.S. and hoops you're being forced to jump through.
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
Sadly, I have stopped replying to these types of emails...
Sadly? Well in some ways, yes, I can see that. But at the same time, good for you.
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
And in the midst of all this, I have been working on myself, and seeing life in new ways, truly, and spending time with a women whom I didn't expect in my life. I spend my time in the present, and have stopped as much as possible living in the past, or projecting into the future, and that has brought me some immense happiness...It is possible to be happy, all of us have it in us, regardless of where we find ourselves in a given moment in time.
Now that is great to hear. And cause for celebration. Bravo, iwitw.
More and more, I am (finally) finding that daily to be true, too.

"If you want to be happy, be!
Leo Tolstoy

Good to hear from you.

Peace,


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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So, I have an upcoming decision to make, and I know it's going to be uncomfortable no matter what choice I make.

The good:
D9 has been taking Kung-fu classes that stbxw setup for some time, and that is good for her!

The Bad:
stbxw shortly after signing up d9 became involved with owner/d9's teacher and has been going out with him for several months.

The uncomfortable:
d9's yellow sash test is this weekend, and stbxw has invited me to watch her take the test, as d9 would like us to be there.

The choice:
To go or not to go.

I am really uncomfortable in either choice above, I want to go to support my d9, but know I will have tons of mixed emotions while doing so, and I do not even want to get introduced to my stbxw's new beau.

Hard to believe it's been over a year, and just the thought of being in the same room as him brings up a ton of emotions, even though I am accepting that it does, I am not sure how well I will handle it.

Some thoughts to ponder, and wondering how others have dealt with these moments...


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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iwitw,
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
The uncomfortable:
d9's yellow sash test is this weekend, and stbxw has invited me to watch her take the test, as d9 would like us to be there.
My vote? Go. You can endure uncomfortable for your daughter's sake.

You can choose not to be introduced to the teacher.

Funny, I have this stereotype in my head of martial arts teachers being honorable people. Does D know STBXW & teacher are involved?

Maybe a boundary is called for here: like a different teacher or school. This is inappropriate and confusing if not downright harmful to your DD.

imo

Peace,

Last edited by Gardener; 08/24/10 04:06 PM.

Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Hey G-man, thanks for the reply.

I'll be going, and as far as the boundary. D9 does not know about there relationship, and as far as I know she just see's him at Kung Fu, and he is her Sifu.

I could announce that I don't like this arrangement, but there is little I can do about it, other than monitor D9 and answer any questions that may come up. I have asked stbxw to inform me before she involved d9 in the life of any of her new men, and it is up to her to do so or not.

Now as far as this weekend, it's 1 hour out of my life, I can focus on d9.

It will bring my work on mindfullness to the forefront.
- To stay in the moment
- Not assume things I don't know
- Focus on d9
- not build stories about my past or future that have nothing to do with the present moment that I will be at the place to watch d9 test for her yellow sash.

I know this will be tough on me, and accept that, so will work on above during it and after..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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Posts: 3,041
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Hey buddy, yeah, it'll be tough.

Be Impeccable With Your Words
Don't Take Anything Personally
Don't Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best

Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

This is from the book 'The Four Agreements'


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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iwitw,
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
...Now as far as this weekend, it's 1 hour out of my life, I can focus on d9.

It will bring my work on mindfullness to the forefront.
- To stay in the moment
- Not assume things I don't know
- Focus on d9
- not build stories about my past or future that have nothing to do with the present moment that I will be at the place to watch d9 test for her yellow sash.
There ya go: one happy little girl, one strong, centered Dad.
Have a great time.

Peace,


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Quote:
Hello all, and thanks for checking on me
Any advice, or stories that I could send them?


What about Coach and his wife? And don't forget about Sandi2's story.

Quote:
My STBXW is taking me to court for emergency orders to say that I am disposing of marital assets, then at pre-trial followup her attorney filed a filing with the court that is just full of lies, and is now forcing me to answer 'interrogetories' of ridiculous nature...I literally just took two days off of work to write a 10 page Microsoft Word document response to her Legal questions. And I have 2 other requests and document discovery to still go through!!!! Ugh!!!


This is beyond ridiculous- I obviously don't know all of the complexities of your case, but it sure sounds more like your STBXW is trying to break you- financially, mentally and emotionally. I have not had the need to do so myself, but there are resources out there- books, on the internet, support groups- that can help you counter a lot of this BS from your STBXW and her scumbag L. I could be mistaken, but RobX is someone who comes to mind who may have more insight into some guerrilla tactics that you could use to defend yourself from this stuff.

Quote:
And in the midst of all this, I have been working on myself, and seeing life in new ways, truly, and spending time with a women whom I didn't expect in my life... The irony or dichotomy, or whatever you want to call it, has not been lost on me...It didn't even dawn on me how happy I have been, until a friend of mine posted a picture of me on a facebook page that so startled me, and was so shocking, I couldn't believe it. You could tell in the photo that I was actually, 100 percent, truly happy with this huge smile and just enjoying myself, and the photo brought back the feeling of that moment and I was amazed.


Very cool! I'm going through and thinking the same kind of things. (Except the new woman- but I'm going to start working on that one soon!) It is an amazing sense of self realization and awareness- going through one hell of a gauntlet and surviving while in the process becoming 10 times the man that you were before.

You are going to be just fine my friend, I have no doubts about that- regardless of what your STBXW does. Take care!


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
It didn't even dawn on me how happy I have been, until a friend of mine posted a picture of me on a facebook page that so startled me, and was so shocking, I couldn't believe it. You could tell in the photo that I was actually, 100 percent, truly happy with this huge smile and just enjoying myself, and the photo brought back the feeling of that moment and I was amazed.


Glad to hear it, Iwantit. It's nice that through the tornado of everything, you can find happiness. smile

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