By the way I need your all's opinion on this...I had some bad news on the business front, I had a big deal take a major hit today and am scrambling to hold it together. This would have made us pretty well off for many years and is something I have been working extremely hard on for about 9 months.
I called her to pretty much bitch about those that are giving me a hard time to close this thing out.
Tonight I want to just dump all my worries on her, something that I would never do previously. My mother is in middle stages of Alzheimer's, this thing that was suppose to be a sure thing is being delayed again, and I am not getting what I need from her, while I have been working my ass off making sure that I do everything right for the sake of my M and children.
Now I would not bring up the last part but, is it good to show her my fears and vulnerabilities or is it not very manly. Or do I tell her how I am feeling and then tell her that I have a plan to deal with each of the problems that i have.
Just thinking out loud, let me know what you think.
but, is it good to show her my fears and vulnerabilities or is it not very manly. Or do I tell her how I am feeling and then tell her that I have a plan to deal with each of the problems that i have. Just thinking out loud, let me know what you think.
Dburt! Good grief of course you have a right to show her your fears and vulnerabilities! Not only a right, a responsibility. Manly schmanly I hate it when people tell men they shouldn't share their feelings.
You know what happens when you don't share your fears and vulnerabilities? You also end up shutting off your ability to share anything else, either - the warmth, the bonding, the commitment... everything! I've said that to people before and they've thought I was nuts. But it's true - my IC (who's a psychologist) told me so, and I've seen the effects of it again and again in my M.
And, more than that, if you don't share yours with her, she'll stop sharing hers with you. My H didn't share his (and still doesn't to an extent) with me, and all that ended up happening was that I was scared to tell him anything, thinking he was 'perfect' and he'd leave me if he really saw how many fears I really had.
So good grief. Share away. Granted, don't do a 'dump'. Venting never helps because it can come across as blaming (even if you don't intend it that way). I'm sure that not what you're aiming for.
I like your statement to just "tell her how I am feeling and then tell her that I have a plan to deal with each of the problems that i have." But be sure to be willing to listen and feel any support or suggestions she might have too. Not only will it likely give you a bit of a boost, relieve some of your worries; it will make her feel involved in your life, and that you value her insights and presence.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Yes, you let her know for a couple of reasons. One is she has a interest in your success and challenges, if the deal falls thru and you didn't let her know there were potential problems she will feel like you kept her in the dark which is a form of dishonesty. The other is she wants to know about the issues and how you handle adversity - attractive.
She needs to know you can handle it and what you are thinking. Let her know that you have a plan for the different contingencies. Don't come of fearful or whiny but concerned about your struggles. This is intimacy.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
is it good to show her my fears and vulnerabilities or is it not very manly. Or do I tell her how I am feeling and then tell her that I have a plan to deal with each of the problems that i have.
Just thinking out loud, let me know what you think.
Dave
I love when my H shares his trials with me. I like to know how he faces things, solves problems, and I also feel a part of his world when he shares that with me. I HATE feeling in the dark. It's scary!! I'd rather know - good or bad. It's a partnership.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Agree with the others. I personally would leave out lumping in the "and I'm not getting what I need from you" part, but you might as well find out now if you are still married to a woman who will be there for you emotionally when you need her the most.
I'm already on record as saying that I have my doubts, and that she only seems to be able to be happy with you if you've got one of your "big paychecks" coming soon.
Thanks guys, I will let you know how it goes. She is at the big University 60 miles away because they are studying why she has such high cholesterol. She is 5'4 120 pounds, works out 3 or 4 times a week. Eats a lot better than me, but has 328 cholesterol with both her hdl and ldl at the same high levels. So, it may be good to get both of our fears out about that as well.
Will hold off on the "im not getting what I need from you part" will see where this potential intimacy between the two of us takes us.
Again, you all are the best, do not feel so alone in all of this.
All is going pretty smoothly. She has been a lot more pleasant around me, fun to be around and even thanking me for some things that I have been doing to make her life a little easier.
She has been talking a lot more to me about her day, her problems, and her experiences, good and bad. I make it a point to drop what I am doing and totally engage her with eye contact, compassion and understanding or just hear a funny story she has.
Still nothing hot in the bedroom, she seems to tolerate me if I come on to her, which is only about once a week. I try my best, but my performance is nothing like it was before, I guess because of the pressure I put on myself to be mr smooth lovin guy. She also barely lets me touch her anywhere, no petting no foreplay of any king, just lubes me up and gets me going with business on hand. Not very intimate.
She has been talking a lot more to me about her day, her problems, and her experiences, good and bad. I make it a point to drop what I am doing and totally engage her with eye contact, compassion and understanding or just hear a funny story she has.
Nice going dburt! Zowie!! Hey and make no mistake...this IS intimate to a woman - believe me!! (gotta love that attention and eye contact...TOTALLY makes us all weak in the knees!) If you keep connecting with her on that deep a level, all the physical stuff will happen sure enough in time.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
