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Laura - I'm sorry! FIGHT! BE STRONG. This can begin a new time of freedom for you for finding the love you deserve!

I still don't know which forum I belong in - infidelity or MLC. For now, here's the latest interesting development TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS!

BTW the date was fabulous but the guy never called back. Very very sad. I was ready to have someone new.

Anyhow, since I"ve pulled way back you all know my H has been kind, non reactive, dare I say pleasant, apologizing, etc.

WE had a hard "family dinner" on Sat. I was tired and emotional and mad and of course the whole thing went downhill. Still feeling like it all begins and ends with me, still struggling with feeling totally responsible for if we get along or not.

The good news is we turned it around and I ended up crying and he comforted and hugged me a little. He claimed he was sorry because he has been "trying to get along better". I finally out and asked him why he has been nicer recently and he said "he decided" that we should get along better because "he realized" he had been expressing anger all the time at my behavior etc.

So he thought he came up with this great idea all on his own even though I'be been asking him to behave nicer for a year?

So I out and told him that his "new behavior" came at the same time I stopped talking to him or being around him. HE HAD NO IDEA AND HADN'T NOTICED!!! He "thought I was just busy."

Can they be this blind? Could I have made this much of an impression on him without him even being conscious of it? Weird!

I still struggle with his niceness. It's so seductive to believe him that he "came to this on his own" and I should just "get along" with him. The other part of me still fantasizes about my plan to go total NC and slam him with full custody and a fight.

And feeling sad and disappointed that the new man who seemed so interested in dating me disappeared. I was looking forward to moving on and getting a new life.

THOUGHTS?


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He noticed, do not think he did not. And sorry about the no call back, but do not be surprised if that guy calls you out of the blue, it is kinda of a guy thing to do...

Burt

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I agree with Burt. I definitely think your H was responding to your actions whether he admits it or not.

As for the new guy, yes, you do need to DB him too in a way. Don't get all clingy with any man! Try to approach dating as a casting director auditioning leading men. They have to impress you and be the right fit. You wouldn't just cast the first actor who read for you, right? You should read Why Men Marry Bitches, it's an awesome book and it's very complementary to the DB practices.


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THanks friends, yes I agree with both points.

Weird that H can notice without even realizing he notices. I guess that's part of why DB works. I guess it's good to go further in the NC direction as this is what is getting results, however minor they are.

I hope the other guy calls out of the blue - he was my third date actually and I really like him. On the other hand, I'm doing great just getting on with my life and (convincing myself) of the attitude of "his loss." No expectations but he is nice so if he calls again I'll wait a few days and then perhaps see him again if there's a nice offer.

As for H, more happenings today. I think I handled it ok, at least with more 180s! Had to meet to separate our retirement accounts per our legal separation agreements. FIrstly, H tells me only last night that we need to do it this morning. I should have just not allowed such short notice, but Ms. Nice said fine I understand your busy schedule, and made the app.

First of all, it's emotional for me. I don't want to be separated or divorced, and yet I can't let this show. Secondly, I misread his email, where he asked me to bring certain documents, so I didn't. Thirdly, H stresses out in the bank and in front of S about "did I read the email", "why didn't I read the email," etc. Then he asks me to run home and get the documents. Again, I shouldn't have but I did ( the accounts are market sensitive and needed to be done today). Of course, I couldnt find the "right" set of documents, only an earlier draft. Of course H is on the phone instructing me and asking "why don't you know where it is?" "you dont know where it is?" "It's in an envelope" etc - me just saying "look I only have the earlier document if you need the other one, I need more notice than the night before" was being ignored.

I'm really mad and start to speak up for myself (180) saying this is hard on me enough and frankly if he wants a D he should be doing this himself, not asking me to gather these documents, etc, and that I did not like how he embarassed me in public and in front of S by grilling me about the email. He said ok and started to calm his tone down, although still pressuring me. AND I know how negatively he thinks of me - it's been stated far too many times before. So I'm increasingly uncomfortable.

Finally, I get back to the bank, it's been almost an hour now cut out of my vacation time with S, ( I had interrupted his playdate to rush over and meet H per his requests - bad move) and when I get there - the final straw.

After sitting for ten more minutes - on the other side of the room, I cannot even look at or speak to H now I'm so disgusted, the teller says that H can just EMAIL THE DOCUMENT.

I DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE AFTER ALL THAT RUNNING AROUND, PRESSURE, SHAME, CONDESCENTION, AND STRESS. I took S and walked straight out without talking to H.

And here's the typical H move: H yells down the street to me: "don't you want to talk about 'the schedule FOR TONIGHT'?" Well I had already emailed him my rehearsal schedule for the week and I reminded him as I kept walking. He then shouts further: "well because of all this, I won't be able to make it on time tonight to pick up S." He knows I have a paid gig tonight ... it's punishment, not because suddenly he needs more time.

Well if that doesn't encourage me to go NC (so I don't get bullied around for no reason) and to fight for legal custody (so he can't just disappear on his nights) then I don't know what will.

I am waiting 24/48 hrs before I say anything if I do at all but right now I feel like giving him a piece of my mind in the name of standing up for myself - usually I would just run around and then feel bad for causing HIM stress!

But in reality, FIL is coming this week and this reminds me to STAY AWAY as dark as possible - as I was feeling seduced into spending family time because of S.

Any reflections?


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Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
had two dates last week. First ones since the bomb 1.5 years ago. I REALLY REALLY liked this one guy and it was a great date. I left a vm the next day to say I had a great time - and follow up on some potential plans we had discussed for the following weekend. THEN SILENCE.

So now I have to db him too? Rats! Yep, NC. But ouch. I really felt ready and excited to be dating a nice guy.


Originally Posted By: pearlharbr
As for the new guy, yes, you do need to DB him too in a way. Don't get all clingy with any man! Try to approach dating as a casting director auditioning leading men. They have to impress you and be the right fit. You wouldn't just cast the first actor who read for you, right?


Hi Hope. I saw your thread because I like to follow Pearl's posts. She's so smart. Also, I was married to an emotionally abusive man so I thought I'd post to you.

I agree with Pearl about the new guy. No need to thank him again the next day. Just thank him at the end of the date. Let him call you about getting together again. It's fun to be pursued, rather than trying to make anything happen. Enjoy it!. I think men like to pursue so don't deprive them of that pleasure.

Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Weird that H can notice without even realizing he notices.


He may or may not be telling you the truth when he says he didn't notice.


Originally Posted By: LanceSijan
You know you should be on the MLC board but refuse to post there. Everything that is going on with your H is perfectly normal(for MLC).


I strongly disagree with this. (Do you 'know' you should be posting there? I thought you said you weren't sure.) Emotional abuse is not caused by a mid-life crisis, even if your H is having one. How long has he been abusive? He's only 35 now.

No offense to the people in MLC because there are some wonderful people there, but Hope, I see your H responding better when you set strong limits. I hate seeing good people over in MLC tolerate so much crap behavior and hanging in there. I would like to see you get support in being more firm.


Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
I am waiting 24/48 hrs before I say anything if I do at all but right now I feel like giving him a piece of my mind in the name of standing up for myself



I'm glad you are taking time to think it through. Remember this astute observation of yours:

Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
I've gone very dark and he is starting to get it that he can't treat me abusively anymore. I have acted on my personal boundary of protecting myself and he's getting the message louder than any words I have said over the past year.


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Dudess -

Thank you so much for the response, yes it is different with an emtionally abusive situation. "Putting up with the spew" is not helpful.

Yes, Pearl is very smart. I value her - your, Pearl!- advice. Yes I have read the Bi**h book - time for a reread I suppose.

AS for the new guy, I guess I messed up calling him the next day. The other reason - but still shouldn't have - was that we had discussed going to a show that following thursday with a group - and I wanted to know if I should get him a ticket.

No response. No pursuing since. It's been a week. Still think he might call, DBurt?

Anyhow, I"m doing great not calling him. I know now that I want/deserve to be pursued and I've never fully let that happen with a guy. So whether he does or doesnt, I'm holding out. If he doesn't, someone else eventually will.

Tonight H is actually going to fulfill his requirements to be with S. I txted him that rehearsal is going to be later anyhow, but let me know. He is going to show up. I'm going to keep that boundary and not talk to him. I'm going to leave right away.

This show is a blessing - it dropped right in my lap. I have rehearsals every night which allows me a focus beyond men (ugh) and keeps me busy when H and FIL are around in the evenings.

DUdess, thank you so much for your awesome post - and I'll be sure to catch up on your sitch soon.

Thanks for the advice all!


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PS the pattern of emotional abuse has always been there. Got worse with time. I definitely have my part in it - and responding is my biggest mistake I suppose. Then he gets right into a fight and blames me. I've reacted out of (justifiable) anger and hurt, but said and did things I didn't mean, wasn't proud of. I've worked incredibly hard to be different. He has been worse. Until recently when I went dim. SUddenly, he's nice. But not coming back, and not really really seeing how much pain I am and have been in.

It's been a hundred times worse since he left and found OW. I did some horrible stuff too, but I"ve made serious changes. If he doesn't see that or value it, his loss!


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Hi all,

Just kind of journallying - Im really sad lately. H being nice has me feeling weak, as I miss him more than ever now. In my own private way I kind of "broke" last night - just in that I didn't run to my back room as soon as I got home. H was here with FIL and I was missing H too much. So I sat with them in the living room and chatted for a few minutes.

It doesn't help. I just felt like FIL and H were looking at each other and talking, ignoring me. I felt pain in my stomach. I was yearning to be a part of H's life again but felt invisible. I suppose dim is best = for me.

This is so hard. I miss him terribly,and now that the meanness has disappeared, I miss him even more. Then I remember how he has a GF and all the negative things he said to me.

Why am I having such a hard time letting my M go? Why am I haunted by positive memories all the time? Why does this rejection sting to the bone?


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Sorry to hear you're so sad H4L. Are you seeing an IC to work through all this? Maybe you could write down all the bad things H has done and said with the fact that there is OW at the top of the list. Keep it with you and whenever you start to dwell on the selective good memories, read it to remind yourself of the reality of the whole picture.


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PS This is the last full day of FIL's visit. I've managed to avoid him all week. Today H returns to work and tells me last night that FIL would like to visit with S today. This means I would have to hook up with FIL to give him time with S5.

Should I do it? I really don't like FIL = more for what he has created. Most of H's emotionally and verbally abusive tendencies come from this man, although now that he is older, he hasn't been too offensive to me personally. Im torn between wanting to let S see grandpa while he's here one last time while he's out here (he lives on the other side of the country and comes out only once a year) and not wanting to see him at all - and privately resenting H for assuming that I would be ok with hanging out with him. H is the one who wanted to be separated, I feel like he can handle his side of the family. I would never ask him to hang out with my parents and S.

Also, they were gone all weekend. I agreed to it, so it's ok, but then H asks if my parents can watch S tonight as well - during his time. I couldn't believe it. I said no way. You have been gone three days, your son needs to see you. Then he says "oh, ok, you're right." How can he be so insensitive? Am I overreacting?


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