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I lived with MsR2C for 17 years (married 11). We both are professionals and make a good living. We have S11,S9,D8.
2008 Feb 14 --> Realized my M was not in good shape. Feb 18 --> I told wife "We need to talk". I listed out the following: I want to do what is best for our M. I want to do what is best for our kids. I want to listen (really listen) to W. I want more effective and frequent communication. I don't want to get mad or angry. I want to spend more one on one time with W. I want to do more family activities. I want to spend more one on one time with each of our kids. I want to let W have the freedom to do what she wants. I want W to let me have the freedom to do what I want.
Feb 18 --> I got the bomb (I don't want to be married to you any more, I don't want to slowly die inside, I want to find my soul mate )
I started DBing right away (Before I found/read book). Lots of 180's. I stayed out of W bubble and got into kids bubble. Cleaned up my looks. Started doing housework while W not around.
March 4: Read DR. (Wow those two weeks felt like months) Time was in slow motion. March 4: This was the lowest point in R. No eye contact from W and only 1 Hi. She did not look good. She went to bed early and without saying goodnight to kids.
April 3: I find out W sells stock to retain lawyer. I felt I convinced her there was better options than litigation including DIY and mediation. April 4: First telephone coaching session April 17: W and I attend all day session with Michele Weiner-Davis April 29: I visit lawyer to find out my rights. My state is Joint custody in 85% of cases and it is an equal equity state. Most of my fear goes away. May 3 : I find out W has retained lawyer. Wants me to go sign papers at her lawyers on the 5th. May 4th : Notify W I have lawyer and her lawyer needs to call mine. June 1rst: Wife and I talk for first time in a while. July 1: Wife and I agree to "nesting". I have house and kids SMT W has kids and house WTF and we alternate S. 50/50 split. Almost all communication is now by EMAIL. A few phone calls. July 28th : Temp Orders -Parenting plans stays as is. August 1-2 : I move out to rental 1/2 block from school. Oct 1 : CFI (Child and Family Investigator)
2009 Jan 6 : Final Mediation - Separation Agreement - Marriage is irretrievably broken - Joint (50/50) Custody
2010 August 21 : MsR2C brings male "friend" from out of town to kids sporting events. She met him while we were married. First time that she looks really happy.
I did not snoop or look for OM. At the time, felt this was the best advise. It protected me emotionally, but...time and reading Puppy Dog Tails advise has changed my mind on this.....was a third person involved is a lingering question....
I will continue to move on with my life. I will live in PRESENT, will not regret the past or fear the future. I will continue to enjoy every day as if it were my last, and continue to do my best with the knowledge I have. I will not take anything personally, I will not make assumptions, I will be impeccable with my word, I will do the right thing , I will do what works , I will sow what I want to reap, I am committed to personal growth and I will seek wise counsel.
I do this for me and my three beautiful children.
Special thanks to SmartCookie and GYPSY for all your wonderful support during this most difficult time. You are both truly wonderful friends and I can not thank you enough. I also want to thank Puppy Dog Tails and Coach for all the support you offer us all.
My thoughts and prayers go out to all those who I have had a pleasure to meet through this website. Thanks for your support. I wish you all well. *HUGS*
R2C, can you help me here? What do you think are the best and most insightful 180s are that you did? Which were the hardest? Which ones were you doing right away? Because somehow it seems the very definition of 180 means that it takes time, and whatever change you're doing can't be done in a weekend.