H4L - Hey old friend, been a while...been too busy in my insane life. Trust your gut. It is so, so hard with lots of contact and remembering the good times, but your H has shown over and over again his true colors. I know it sucks. I know its hard. But there is no way he has changed this drastically this quickly.
I feel for you, I really do. I wish it could be true, but he has had too far to go to change this much. And there has been no real crisis or any hitting rock bottom that I can remember.
You can do this. You've been at it a long time, like all of us you have good days/weeks and bad. Have confidence in yourself and vent and rant all you need too. (()) GW
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Hi Hope! Hope you're doing well. I just caught up and found your new thread. To answer your question from the end of your other thread, H and I were all businesslike for a good while. Probably about 2-3 years... Don't pay attention to anyone's time frames though. Everyone and everything is different.
The usual routine weekly was that I saw H when he brought back our S on the weekend,most of the time I never actually spoke to him at all. I'd greet my son in the doorway and hug him and tell him to say goodbye to daddy and that was it. I avoided talking to him about anything unless it was absolutely necessary. He only got past my front door once a year on S's birthday party (oh, and I'd mail him an invitation to that party just like any other guest. LOL).
Now, I can't deny that there was never a bit of vindictiveness in my essentially ignoring his existence, but most of it really had to do with me protecting myself and distancing myself him.
You're doing good, but stop looking at how he's reacting to you. Don't analyze him or even spend a spare minute thinking about him and what he says or doesn't say or does or doesn't do.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Hi hun, now on holidays for nine more weeks so can sneak on and say hello! First of all I want to say how proud I am off you, getting to the point where you can see H for what he is and for learning your own true value at last! I know that will be long journey for you but it will be fun Im sure!
Will try and catch up more with you soon
xx
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Great to hear from you all! Thank you for checking in and saying hello.
Boy, when they say "GAL" they didn't mention it can have magical results! I performed Saturday night, playing the character of an "Aphrodite robot." I felt very proud of the show, got a lot of compliments and had a fab social night afterward.
I got asked out on three dates that night!~
Not from my H, but hey, not bad for a middle aged mom!
I have more crap from my H - ups and downs...too much to post today, will hopefully catch you all up later. Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy two of those dates this weekend!
Aha, I found you! (((hugs))) just sending you hugs and hoping you're having a good weekend- will try to write more later and catch up on this thread.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Well I notice my H is far less verbally and emotionally abusive since I FINALLY have pulled waaaay back. When he even starts to escalate, I immediately walk away, leave, or hang up. I've gotten more apologies in the last month than probably my whole marriage.
He still has that gf I think and although I suffer great pain over this, my dimness has saved me.
I need to not weaken my resolve - I get seduced by his transformation into a polite, even apologetic person. I glimpse the man I was married to once. But in therapy I realize I cannot be cuckolded again! I was lied to by this man for the past year.
So now - how to really get him into a crisis? I guess I need MLC or infidelity forum - will end up there soon, so friends, please fine me there! I am talking to two therapists and one lawyer - all females - who support me in fighting for full custody, due to H's abusive nature. I am very sad to have to fight him but it's time I solidified my resolve and fought for me and my son. Any advice welcome. He is comfortably cake eating, with me nearly gone, but not completely, still polite and friendly in dealings about our son - but this will not ensure he looks at himself or our relationship. It will allow him to continue to walk away feeling the victim himself, feeling fine while partying with some young thing while legally married to me, missing every weekend with his son in order to spend it with her. I need to finally take control and threaten him with what he will lose with this kind of behavior. It will either wake him up, or more likely, give me the power and control to move on knowing I did the right thing for me and S5.
In other news, had two dates last week. First ones since the bomb 1.5 years ago. I REALLY REALLY liked this one guy and it was a great date. I left a vm the next day to say I had a great time - and follow up on some potential plans we had discussed for the following weekend. THEN SILENCE.
So now I have to db him too? Rats! Yep, NC. But ouch. I really felt ready and excited to be dating a nice guy.
(((Hope))) Glad to hear from you and know you're still out there. Stay strong, keep the resolve, remember there has to be a LONG period of consistent behavior to begin to make up for what he's put you through. He's nowhere near that yet.
Keep us posted--
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Hope--you go girl!! A date! wow--I can not even imagine it but I do dream...!lol.
I got served last Wednesday--don't know if you knew. Had a rough day, but it wasn't TOO terrible. Had a ton of friends stop by and that was nice!
I am still "workin it".lol. Still find the journey very interesting! Mine has been really pretty nice now for about 3 weeks. I don't care if his L's told him to or not, it has been a long 8 months of him screaming at me and this is REFRESHING!! I hope he'll continue and see that I can really respond to THIS person!
Oh, he also has been fixing things or paying to have them fixed!! Again, don't know why, don't care--I will take it!lol.
I think you are smart to go for full custody--he is too involved with OW anyway. And his parenting skills are much to be desired....
Take care--I lurk over in Infedelity a lot--follow a gal named SunnyD's thread. I will look for you there!!
