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Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2055387
08/12/10 05:50 PM
08/12/10 05:50 PM
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Originally Posted By: Serenity13
Living in Limbo - Defined as: a state of uncertainty or aof being kept waiting...As long as you sit around hoping today is the day your spouse will pull their head out of their butt, you will continue to live like this...Make your boundaries known as fast as possible, lay them out and be prepared to follow through with them...Stop being a pansy, this is your life as well and if you are ok with sitting here 10 years from now still hoping today is the day, stop your griping.

Letting Go - There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isnít the end of the world, itís the beginning of a new life. Just like limbo, as long as you continue to cling on to something that just isn't there, you will never be able to move forward. I have seen this prevalent here in Newcomers however it is worse in the MLC forum.

Being a Doormat - Defined as: One who submits meekly to domination or mistreatment by others. Most doormat people have low self-esteem, no backbone, and are "yes" people (meaning they try to please everyone by doing what is asked of them, or told to them). I would say most doormat people are afraid of rejection and of being ridiculed by others. They do their best to avoid confrontation and back down very easily if pushed.
Being respectful, setting and keeping boundaries doesn't make you a doormat, bending over backwards to please everyone makes you a doormat... Ladies, time to find your backbone, men, time to find your testicles.

Mind-Reading - Defined as: Assuming special knowledge of the intentions or thoughts of others. When we have an interaction with someone else, we are constantly observing their behavior and listening to their responses (or noting the absence). We then add our own interpretation of what it all means. We use our own representation system and our own value system to reconstruct how the other got to chose that particular response. We use our experiences, our world view, our values, our beliefs to reconstruct what the other thinks. When this happens, take some time to ask yourself: How do I know this? How do I know that he thinks Iím stupid, lazy, man enough or whatever. Did they say so? Most likely they haven't said any of these things. Simply asking yourself this simple question is a major step in preventing continued mind reading.

For the newbies reading this...You need to keep in mind that not all marriages will survive this, no matter how much work you put into it, no matter how many changes you make (and I am hoping you are making them for yourself and not for anyone else), no matter how much weight you lose, what color you change your hair, how many laps you can now run etc...

There are zero guarantees any of these things will save your marriage.

I came here with the intention of "saving" my marriage over a year ago...

Guess what? I didn't, and I am ok with that...

I am a better person because of what I have learned, I am no longer a doormat, I can hold my own with anyone I come in contact with, I am not a piece of garbage (like I thought I was) to be tossed out just because my spouse got a crazy itch between his legs, I am worthy of so much more.

We all are and when you finally start to believe that, you will then see the changes within you that will help you to not only survive, but thrive.

(((Hugs))) smile



"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2055408
08/12/10 06:09 PM
08/12/10 06:09 PM
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Originally Posted By: coach
You are setting precedent now, don't let your spouse set the precedent.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2055510
08/12/10 07:46 PM
08/12/10 07:46 PM
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Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
Quote:
There is OM in the picture whom W says she will absolutely give up IF I can commit to trying on the marriage again.
Your answer to her is..

"I have decided that I am not interested in reconciling. I have realized that it is not in the best interest of "us" as a couple and an even MORE important FACT is that I have lost trust. I will always love you because you are the mother of our child, but I am not IN love with you.(that one always gets to them) I realized that it just won't work for ME because I don't want to be with a woman I don't trust and am not in love with. Also add to the fact that you are STILL with him even now and are making it seem as if you are doing ME a favor by telling me you will leave him IF I commit to the relationship. I have decided that isn't going to happen. So, for now I want to proceed with the divorce."

Say this with confidence, resolve and matter of fact....

Don't BUDGE an inch if she doesn't dump him BEFORE you commit. Shame on you if you fall for that old trick.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2055515
08/12/10 07:49 PM
08/12/10 07:49 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Quote:
I would only respond as "busy now get back with you later" then never do so.
I actually disagree with this one. I think it's imperative, in all things, to DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DO. If you're not sure you're going to call her back later, then say so: "I'll try to give you a call back tonight, but I've got a busy evening planned -- no promises. If not, we'll definitely catch up tomorrow" -- or some such.

You want to be the one person acting with total character and integrity right now.

(Actually, that's not a bad way to live always).


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2055561
08/12/10 08:44 PM
08/12/10 08:44 PM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
Yup..you can FORECAST almost EVERY MOVE THEY MAKE after you read enough posts here...


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2055569
08/12/10 08:59 PM
08/12/10 08:59 PM
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Originally Posted By: Hope4us
To all those still struggling with a wayward spouse, 8 things I've learned....

1) It's not about you or anything you've done. Way-wards will justify and rationalize EVERYTHING to make what they're doing someone elses fault. Own your own chit that contributed to the marriage breakdown, because we all have chit we can work on, but NEVER take responsibility for your spouses A. That's all on them.
2) Never take ANYTHING your wayward spouse says to or about you personally. They really are in an F'd up place.
3) The A MUST end before your marriage has a chance, and rarely does the little bo peep method work.
4) Once the A ends, more compassion and patience than you ever knew were possible will be required to save your marriage.
5) Once the A ends and waywards begin to come out of the fog, they have their own he** to deal with.
6) Do NOT hold it over their heads forever. It only leads to road bumps in your marriage recovery.
7) Your marriage can be saved. Some can not, but some can. And NO ONE will blame you if YOU decide to call it quits if your spouse has cheated on you. Some people can't get over it even with a repentant spouse.
8) If you're one of the lucky ones to save your marriage, don't ever take your spouse for granted. A second chance is a gift. Mine was within days of a divorce being filed, and here we are today talking about retirement and our future grand-kids and ML multiple times a week.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2055572
08/12/10 09:03 PM
08/12/10 09:03 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog tails
It's like when my teenaged and college-aged daughters would object to my "control" in their lives. I would point out to them that "You say you want to be independent, but as long as I'm paying for half your college expenses (or living in my house, etc.), then I'm sorry, you're NOT 'independent'."


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2055573
08/12/10 09:03 PM
08/12/10 09:03 PM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
OK, very rough draft


Clearly it's not possible to engage in discussing this in a civilized manner in person.

I am taking the time to write this out in the hopes it will clarify things for you both.

When our marriage became troubled I took the time to explore marriage therapy, do research, and invite you Mrs. QS to do the same.

You Mrs QS chose to refuse.

I gave you an opportunity to explore counseling and you took that offer and threw it away.

When you filed for divorce I gave you the opportunity to live here respectfully with each other until our divorce was final.

I gave you an opportunity to live here and you took that offer and chose to commit adultery with online sex chats and phone sex with a married man in secret.

I gave and you took.

Our marriage had problems like any other. I took ownership of my 50% like a mature adult. I am willing to own my half of the problems with our marriage and accept that and a divorce.

What I cannot accept in good conscience is my being accused of not being generous or cooperative.

Each step outlined above is your choice made to drive conflict to its peak and make an otherwise civil divorce ugly. I will not have an ugly divorce.

You turned down counseling, you filed for divorce, you committed adultery with a married man, and when I stood up for myself against these insults you chose to move out.

You made your bed my dear and I am afraid you will have to lie in it.

I gave many chances - many chances - and you took those chances and offered abuse in return.

I will not be disrespected or abused any further.

I will live in the home I have lived in and I will not be forced to move elsewhere by bullying or lies any further.

I gave, and you took. I am giving no more.

I will live in my home. I will live the lifestyle I choose to live.

I gave an offer of counseling, I gave an offer of monogamous commitment until the divorce was final, I gave and you took and I will give no more.

I will not have an ugly divorce. If you want that then go have it elsewhere.

My commitments to you, you forfeited. I gave and you took.

I am living in my home and I will live there the way I chose to.

The home will be clean, maintained, and even improved for the chance of sale in the future. Until such time I will live there and I will live the life I chose to - a healthy honest life. A life free of your lies, free of your cheating, and free of your temper.

Should you chose to visit you will visit between the hours of 10 am and 8 pm and you will make a 24 hour notice beforehand.

When you visit you will be polite, you will be honest, and you will control your temper or you will be asked to leave.

You are more than welcome to view the home to ensure it is maintained, but I will not allow you to dictate my lifestyle to me... Mine has been thus far much healthier, constructive, and honest than yours.



"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2055584
08/12/10 09:20 PM
08/12/10 09:20 PM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
My letter goes something like this - version 2.0


I recently discovered my Husband, your brother, uncle, friend and colleague has been engaged in infidelity with a woman at work for over a year. I am devastated. He was so hurtful that he spent our wedding anniversary with this woman while I sat home alone feeling worthless and alone.

This woman is his subordinate in their workplace - Amy. My husband lied to me that he was unhappy with me and walked out of our home earlier this year. At first I thought his leaving was the marriage failing. Amy is violating my marriage and home.

I ask for your support simply by removing yourselves from his life and his affair. I apologize that my husband is lying to you. Until you have the truth you are supporting Amy and the affair instead of marriage and commitment. You are entitled to make an informed choice.

Despite this woman's egregious attack on my marriage, and my husband's horrible abuse I am willing to accept that our marriage is like any other and less than perfect. Even after I found out about the affair I invited my husband to explore counseling. My husband attended three sessions. He lied to both me and even the counselor about his affair. He was still having an affair with Amy in secret during each of those counseling sessions.

I was and I still am attempting to own and repair our marriage. I made an honest commitment and I only ask that he cooperate with me in repairing this marriage. Despite our going to counseling Amy has decided to continue to attack our marriage making it near impossible to recover. Our counselor advised me that until Amy leaves my husband alone and allows him to repair his marriage that our marriage is at a stalemate.

I am devastated and frustrated beyond description.

She is a a friend of him on Facebook, now that I have given you her name, each of you will know who she is. The commitment, as you all know, he has for military service makes this affair even more damaging to his future/career/ and retirement from the military. I am hoping you may be willing to talk some sense into him before he ruins both his career and all the years we have invested in this marriage.

I have been a good wife, friend, and sister to each of you. I have not cheated or been untrue in any way towards my Husband. It is truly unfair and unbecoming a soldier/sailor for him to treat me, our marriage, and our lives in such a reckless and careless manner.

I am seeking your support.


I want to tighten this a bit more... I think its too long... It's mostly the same as yours only a few changes.

I think it should be about half this long really.. But as is its pretty good. I may poke at it again to see if I can make it more concise... You want people to read it. They may be more interested in reading it if its shorter.




"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2055620
08/12/10 10:20 PM
08/12/10 10:20 PM
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Learn this lesson: You are not required to give an answer to every question. My H was the author of that lesson! All he had to do was just look at me...without saying a word. Sometime he would raise one eyebrow, sometimes he would just grin, or he may have an angry look or a look I couldn't read...but say nothing. He refused to answer. How do you fight with something like that? Yes, I would get angry, but I did not "win" at being angry and I sure didn't control him. He showed me that he was in control by saying nothing. See what I mean?

Then realize something else. She has, and will continue, to turn the tables around in this R to make you feel that you have to prove that you can be trusted. Hey....it wasn't you that had the A! Women are good at doing that little game, too. She is the one that needs to prove she can be trusted. You fell into that trap. She is making it sound like a two-way street....and ordinarily it would be, but the first thing you know...she's making it appear that YOU were the bad guy....not her. She has you on your knees trying to make up with her. Trying to make her happy, apologizing, etc. It's kind of strange that she was unfaithful but she wants to get you into all this open R, trust, transparency, etc. Don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say. It's just that she'll get the spotlight off her and put it onto you.

Be your own man. Do what you want to do and don't feel that you must ask her permission. I'm not telling you to be disrespectful in any way but I'm trying to get you out of this mind-set you're in.

Hopefully, you will have many years of M with this young woman. However, you need to break some of these patterns that she's setting. Why does she fight with you after a trip? Why is there a big blow-up every six months? Stop the pattern.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
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