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Sunny, Allen is giving you some good advise. It was my youngest son (16 yo at the time) that finally ended the A for good.

He was brutal with her, but it woke her up. Just the other day she again said to me that she was angry I told our kids what was going on and I said to her "Does the end justify the means? If he hadn't woke you up, we'd be D'd right now, so isn't it better that we're still together as a family instead of divorced with your pride in tact?" And she just looked at me and lowered her head and shook it yes.

Thing is, I didn't tell the kids to hurt her like she thinks. I told them so they would know the truth and KNOW that there was at least one parent that would never lie to them...that there was one parent that they could count on to never let them down no matter what. And here we are two years later and our boys have TWO parents that will never let them down.


Hope4us

Me - 49, W 49
S22 & S18
Dday 9/4/07
W claims NC 4/7/08
8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
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Duly noted!

H did not say what he said to S16 about it, but it doesn't sound like he was angry. I probably should've been a little more forceful in my response to H when he asked me about it instead of brushing it aside, but I was tired - it was midnight - and I was taken off guard. I wish I would've sent the message that "that's what you get when you behave badly," instead of the softer stance I took. I didn't go soft, soft...but not as hard as I should've I don't feel. Oh well. Opportunity slipped by, I guess, to hit him with a hard truth there.

I will talk to S about the specifics.

I agree, Hope - my motivation to tell S16 and D18 was not to hurt H, but so that they would understand why they needed to stick up for the M. I don't regret telling them at all. If H asks me about it again, I will have a better answer prepared for that.

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Yup, you should tell your kids, its basic exposure.. you don't want that connection with that gf to snowball into an addiction he can't end easily...

I dno't like exposure, but its a necessary evil... it takes years to end an affair without it from what I am seeing..

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You're right about that! Well, either exposure or discovery followed by the tough love/letting go approach. Both are effective more than tolerance, that's for sure. I guess it depends on the situation.

As for mine - I did find out a little more awhile ago. Seems like it's 2 steps backwards now. While H had been so positive and had been taking baby steps, the whole situation that precipitated S16 telling H that he was pissed last night was because H had him and S14 in the car, basically discussing leaving. He asked how they would feel about it, etc... SO, S14 now knows about the text messages/facebook stuff. According to D18 and S16, S14 now sees more why "mom is fighting for the family while dad is being self-centered." I spoke with S14, of course. I talked with all 3 today about the boundaries. S16 apparently gave H quite the earful last night. I sure wish I'd known this before H asked me about telling S16. I would've taken a harder line, for sure. Now I'm REALLY sorry I didn't take a firm stance on why S was told. I didn't apologize for telling him, but it probably came across as me making excuses for telling him, darn it!!! Oh well.

SO: now, it makes everything a little tougher in the stay/go dept. H tried to justify his behavior to the boys, pointing fingers at me, but they didn't buy it. They both noted that I have made great changes in myself these past months while H has withdrawn.

I'm at least glad to hear that both boys told H that they did NOT want their parents divorced...that they were mad, upset, etc...

D18 also mentioned to me that H told her that he wasn't sure how my dad and brother (and his family) were going to take all of this. Obviously he is thinking about what they are all going to think of him. Of course, he made it sound like he wouldn't be able to tell them that I, their daughter/sister/aunt, was "crazy" and couldn't be lived with. Um, none of my kids agree. He also played the "history rewrite" with the kids, acting like our M has never been any good, which all 3 know differently.

SO: I feel quite disappointed today in this setback. I truly thought things were progressing yet I know this is part of the process.

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Yep, don't worry about it... the thing is he's spinning a lot of stories and no one is listening to it.. Not a setback from where I am sitting... You have a solid family there who is prepared to shut him down.. that is NOT easy to get when you need it as you have seen on this forum.. you shoudl be elated you have this much support at home smile

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OK...You're right! Focus on the positives, which are my kids! :-)

I guess I wanted to believe that the positive changes of late reflected a better, more optimistic mindset and was not quite the case, thus my disappointment. However, the support from the kids is essential. I can't help but think how much therapy they're all going to need after this!

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Sunny, the hard facts are that if your Husband is wayward its going to be up and down for likley six or more months... Don't expect to see any improvement for six months... The improvement in him will be internal at first and will manifest itself slowly from a six month point onwards... you may see effort earlier in spurts, but it will be short lived...

This is the point of the "ignore 100% of what they say and 50% ofwhat they do" guideline... If you get too focussed on thier reaction then you will be allowing THEIR responses drive your actions... you don't want in that cycle its death in slow motion

BREAK the cycle by just doing what you should be doing with blinders on to him unless he breaks a boundary...

It's ok to watch him and such, but don't let it get to a point where it will impact your motivation or you are dead in teh water...

Your choices are NOT dictated at ALL by his actions... Just do it...

Monitor for boundaries alogn teh way, but as long as he's not veering froun the boundaries then give him time to process

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You may be inteersted in this Sunny :

Comparing covert financial activities inside of marriage with covert romantic and sexual activities inside of marriage - which is worse? Financial or sexual betrayal?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Financial_infidelity

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/thi...ell-427923.html


Last edited by Allen A; 08/09/10 08:44 PM.
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Interesting articles - never heard of financial infidelity as a term before. I agree that it should all be above board. Now, I will say that for my part, I've never done much lying or stashing or running up debt. That's what is so maddening: H claims that I've thrown all this money away but yet he has access to ALL of our account information and can see every dime I've spent (debit cards) from the grocery store to Macys. So, to me, my spending was pretty much an open book. I have never done a lot of shopping for myself - mainly for the kids. Occasionally there might be the little white lie involved, but most often not. Most often it was right there for him to see, he didn't say anything about it, yet now acts like I have run us into the ground. I'm taking ownership of my 50% of the financial stuff, but he is just as culpable, in my opinion.

On the other hand, he is 100% culpable for the romantic indiscretions, and I don't doubt I played a role in that because I wasn't a good enough wife meeting his needs perhaps, but I sure don't think I should have to own 50% of that.

Am I being hard-headed???

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Nope, I think its all good there...

Do you think you have wasted anymore $$ than your H has?

Next time he brings that up just tell him you've done the bookeeping and you both have wasted money...

If you want to do the work and add it all up that would even be beter... I strongly suspect you will find he's wasted no less than you have...

He is accusing you of financial infidelity, but he really doens't have any case here... It's just him being accusatory... And yes I still suspect its a smoke screen

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