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Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2051423
08/05/10 09:53 PM
08/05/10 09:53 PM
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Originally Posted By: A_goodman
Every aspect of our personality that made us mates (attentiveness, affection, reading moods, caring about their happiness) are the things that we need to harness and withhold. Add to that that they know (or even unconsciously know) what buttons to push to manipulate emotions like anger, concern, pity etc. And it requires intense self awareness and control to avoid the misstep.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2053441
08/09/10 08:41 PM
08/09/10 08:41 PM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
...This is the point of the "ignore 100% of what they say and 50% of what they do" guideline... If you get too focused on their reaction then you will be allowing THEIR responses drive your actions... you don't want in that cycle its death in slow motion

BREAK the cycle by just doing what you should be doing with blinders on to him unless he breaks a boundary...

It's ok to watch him and such, but don't let it get to a point where it will impact your motivation or you are dead in the water...

Your choices are NOT dictated at ALL by his actions... Just do it...

Monitor for boundaries along the way, but as long as he's not veering from the boundaries then give him time to process...


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2053452
08/09/10 08:55 PM
08/09/10 08:55 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Quote:
So whats the difference between DB and just walking out and saying screw it I'm done and I don't really give a cr#p anymore. Seems like they are the same thing to me.
That's a great question. In the latter, you say "This is who I am, I don't need you anymore." In the former (DBing), you convey "This is who I am, I've realized I don't NEED you anymore, but I still WANT you along with me on my journey," (but I'm not willing to violate my own Boundaries of Personal Integrity just for the privilege of having you along).

Needing a spouse is enmeshment, co-dependent, and NOT healthy. WANTING them is good, and the difference between your two examples.

You want her to be your frosting, not your cake. YOU are your cake, and you have to be okay with that.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2053456
08/09/10 09:04 PM
08/09/10 09:04 PM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
I read an interesting article called "financial infidelity" and it attempted to draw comparisons to sexual and romantic infidelity. They key point was commitment to financial disclosure (no secrets), risky choices are agreed on as a couple (large expenditures and visits to members of opposite sex), etc... There was a lot to draw on I was shocked :'

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Financial_infidelity

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/thi...ell-427923.html


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2053477
08/09/10 09:41 PM
08/09/10 09:41 PM
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Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
It could have been anything. I'm washing the counter wrong. I'm sweeping wrong. I'm watering the plants incorrectly. It doesn't matter
It does matter or you wouldn't be here would you?

Let's flip the scenario for the men. Your wife is going to wash and wax your newly restored candy apple red '65 Mustang convertible, V-8 289, 4 speed. She hoses the car off and as she's getting ready to sponge it off she drops the sponge in a a pile of gravel and sand and starts to wipe the car down. shocked. After throughly "washing" the car she parks it in the sun and starts to apply the wax, she lets it get good and dry then decides to wipe it off a couple of hours later. eek

Do you see why to a woman bad help is worse than any help? It just creates more work for her. So if she has to refold the laundry, re-sweep the floor, rewash the counter did you really help her? Really sounds like AOS is her deal too, so it does matter. FWIW, I fold the towels in different way now. It didn't affect my manhood. cool

Cheers


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2053483
08/09/10 09:48 PM
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Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
Quote:
As far as sacrificing goes, I agree for the most part. I have done it with friends and I get that. With the wife, I am slowing learning that with the way she feels towards me, it may be best for me to sacrifice. I just do not see how it is in the best interest for our children. There are just too many negatives.


I don't understand this paragraph. Sacrifice? You're not a martyr. We repeatedly tell you to protect yourself and your children. Not once has anybody recommended that you martyr yourself.

Giving up on trying to control somebody else or taking back control of yourself does not involve sacrifice. You never had control of anybody else, and nobody else controlled you. We are asking you to understand that: self-control, controlling yourself is the one thing you CAN do.

You can't pick and choose the events that you must respond to in your life, but you can determine how you will respond to them. You can let your emotions drive your responses (prisons are full of people who do this all of the time), or you can let your principles determine your actions.

Your emotions--the anger, sadness, joy, frustration, discontentment, contentment, and so on--are perfectly OK. Go ahead and feel ALL of them, but your actions do not need to be driven by your emotions. It's OK to feel emotions and even to share what you are feeling (e.g. right now I am angry, and I'll get back to you when I have had time to think about this), but it's not OK to act on your emotions (e.g. I punched you in the face because you made me mad).

See? We are asking you to Think before you act, and then act according to your principles as if God himself were there with you watching what you do.

How is your GAL going?

You have a regular fitness routine and nutrition program?

You sleeping well?

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

On a flight, the attendants tell you to put on your oxygen mask first before you try to help anybody else, so... are you taking care of YOU?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2054627
08/11/10 05:53 PM
08/11/10 05:53 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Just remember, there's nothing wrong with you saying to her -- in response to WHATEVER she brings up:

"I'm just not sure how I feel about that anymore."

or

"I'm afraid it's not that easy anymore."

or

"I don't know HOW I feel."

or

"I'm not sure WHAT I want to do. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me, and I'll certainly think hard about them."

etc.



"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2054633
08/11/10 06:00 PM
08/11/10 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted By: Coach
Your H does not have your or the family's best interests in mind right now. You have to take the lead on being prepared.

Have you seen a L to know where you stand?

Do you have access to money in your name only?

Do you have a support network?

Have you read up on exposure?

Do you really understand boundaries?

Are you taking care of yourself - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?

Don't ask a WAS to decide anything, you decide for yourself what is best and take the appropriate action. Goals - Plan- Action. Think don't react (emotion).

No matter what happens make your mind up to come out of this a wiser, stronger, healthier and better woman. Thrive don't survive. You can handle it.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2054667
08/11/10 06:36 PM
08/11/10 06:36 PM
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
As far as "asking" her about MC, I think it would be better to just get dressed and act as if and plan to go. After you are dressed you can say something like, "I'm going to our appointment." Don't ask her if she's going....just leave. That shows her something. It shows her that you are not clinging to her skirt-tail and it doesn't put the same type of pressure on her as it was before.

When you constantly check her temp to see "where she's at in this"....that puts more resentment in her heart. I'm speaking from personal experience.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2054729
08/11/10 07:35 PM
08/11/10 07:35 PM
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Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
My mind set going into this meeting is to listen, gather information, and to have a cup of coffee.

Then go home and process the info and make a good sound decision that will be the best for me AND my kids.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
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