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Mike, I had some time this morning and I read parts of your thread. You're getting great advise from Allen and Puppy. If I say something you're already doing, disregard it as I didn't read the whole thing.

Read #3 and #4 in my original post on this thread.

IF, and that's a BIG IF, the A is truly over and there is NO CONTACT, WD will begin. Like I posted to Sunny, there's nothing you can do while she's in WD to save the marriage, but there's a whole lot you can do that will push her away.

While she's going through WD, she will be all over the place and say a whole bunch of chit. Ignore it.

When my W's A ended, it was almost two months before she said a SINGLE word to me that wasn't directly related to our son's care. I just went about my business knowing that was the first step that had to happen before we could begin recovering our marriage.

When my W mentioned divorce right towards the end of the A, I told her "go ahead and file and I'll counter file on the grounds of adultery and call her and OM to the stand to tell everyone just what they'd been doing". She also tried to get me to fill out a financial form for her lawyer. I flat out refused. Told her if she wanted it filled out, go ahead and file and then repeated what I said above. That ended the D talk.

The other thing I saw on your thread is that Allen and Puppy are telling you to be patient. That is a MUST.

Once my W began talking to me again two months after the A ended, I let her drive the communications. I responded to her but didn't initiate any conversations. And if she initiated anything, I kept my responses short.

IF her A is truly over, once she begins to get through the hardest part of WD, she'll begin to engage you. THAT'S when you start to slowly reel her in.

But I'll say it again, until the A is truly over and she's got through the hard WD, nothing you say or do will make her come back to the marriage faster, but MAY drive her away.

Look, I understand completely where you're coming from. We're guys. A over? Great, lets fix our marriage RIGHT NOW. But it doesn't work that way. Right now she doesn't see any way back to you. Once she gets through the hard WD, then you have a chance.

Hope this helps.


Hope4us

Me - 49, W 49
S22 & S18
Dday 9/4/07
W claims NC 4/7/08
8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
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Everyone,

Here's what you need to know about Hope4Us' approach that he took:

It was a very rare mix of aggressive confrontation and exposure on the front end, combined with a very, VERY patient approach on the back end.

Many people come to these forums, and they'll read into someone else's sitch what they want to, whichever part of it justifies what they already want to do. Those that like to avoid conflict, don't want to expose, etc., will point to such a poster's PATIENCE and say "I guess there's nothing I can do but give it time," and those that like to aggressively affair-bust will point to the exposure and then wonder why THEIR situation isn't improving more rapidly.

I would encourage you to read H4U's ENTIRE sitch. He very aggressively exposed (and re-exposed) his wife's affair -- including to his kids! -- and then he VERY patiently showed his wife that he was the better option.

And he did BOTH exceedingly well.

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In my sitch, I guess I am not sure if it's not being patient or just not wanting to allow cake-eating. Such a fine line! I keep leaning more towards being tougher... if you don't want to work on the M, get out. That's why I hesitate to allow H to stay in the house if he is still feeling "wayward". Yet, I know it takes time to come around. Even S16 agrees that it is emotional abuse for H to stay in the home with always looking toward the door....

I just am trying to stay reasonable but not cake eating so that he doesn't have to make a decision.

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Sunny if your WH can keep his emotions and negativity to himself and do the work while he's there I say that's fine.

It's ok for him to feel miserable, but dropping that in everyone else's lap and threatening to run away is the line you want to draw at...

And I am sure you feel as miserable as he does about the marriage, you just aren't brooding.

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Sunny, once the affair is busted, there IS no cake-eating, by definition. That's one big reason why it's easier for the betrayed spouse to be patient: because at LEAST they know the affair is no longer being carried on.

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Good points, Allen and Puppy! I know I've addressed this in my thread, but I'm just having a difficult time not telling him to just get out right now! LOL

I guess that's a good thing in that at least I'm strong enough to deal with that and have the self-respect needed to get through this...

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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails


And he did BOTH exceedingly well.

Puppy


Awww shucks Puppy....you're making me blush.


Hope4us

Me - 49, W 49
S22 & S18
Dday 9/4/07
W claims NC 4/7/08
8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Joined: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted By: SunnyD
In my sitch, I guess I am not sure if it's not being patient or just not wanting to allow cake-eating. Such a fine line! I keep leaning more towards being tougher... if you don't want to work on the M, get out. That's why I hesitate to allow H to stay in the house if he is still feeling "wayward". Yet, I know it takes time to come around. Even S16 agrees that it is emotional abuse for H to stay in the home with always looking toward the door....

I just am trying to stay reasonable but not cake eating so that he doesn't have to make a decision.


Sunny, Go back and read # 4 in my first post on this thread.

IF the A is over, you need to be PATIENT!

After the A is over, waywards will still act/feel wayward for quite some time. I'm not saying it never happens that once the A is over the wayward snaps out of it and immediately wants to work on the marriage. Cause it does. But those cases are very rare.

My advise given what you've said....keep an eye on him to make sure he's not in contact with the OW. If he's not in contact with her, then detaching yourself from his chit is the most important thing you can do. Do FAMILY things with your kids and invite your H to join in. If he does, great, if he doesn't, his loss.

5 months after my W's A ended, we went to Disney World as a family. There were a number of days on the trip when my W just laid in bed most of the day (big time WD). Did the kids and I just stay in the room and do nothing? Heck no! We went to parks, went swimming, had a blast. Maybe once a day on those 3 days she stayed in the room I'd send her a picture text message of something fun we were doing. By the last of those 3 days she stayed in the room she was TM'ing me and the boys within a half hour of us leaving.

You've got kids. GAL with them. IGNORE his moods. He's got his own chit to deal with and you forcing him to make a decision RIGHT NOW may or may not work. That's why detaching and GAL are so important.

Look, you can show him what he's going to be missing if he leaves without forcing him to make the decision YOU want him to make at this point.

Like Puppy said above, I believe in the hard line approach in busting up the A, but once the A is busted, you'll need more patience and compassion than you ever thought possible. If you can't handle you two living together without him being committed to you, then separate and go dark. Let him miss you. That approach does work sometimes. But from what I've read, that approach works best when the A is on going because it makes your spouse get all their needs met by the OP and most of the time the OP fails. IF the A is truly over you're better off being in the same house, detaching and GAL like crazy and letting him SEE what he'll be missing.

But like I said in an earlier post, only you know your H and only you can decide which path to take.

Hope this helps.


Hope4us

Me - 49, W 49
S22 & S18
Dday 9/4/07
W claims NC 4/7/08
8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
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Hope, Thank you very much for your input here...and for taking the time to look over some details of my situation to guide your advice. It is greatly appreciated.

And thanks again Puppy and Allen for your continued support.

I'll just plug away at the rest of my life right now...and focus on patience. I really see how time is my friend here...and will just have to keep that in mind when things look down.

=O)


M: 29, W: 28
Together 8 years, Married 1 (5/16/09)
Bomb (LYBNILWY)4/22/10
Affair discovered 5/3/10, began Jan/Feb 2010
Separated 5/22/10 - Present
Affair exposed 7/7/10
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Thanks, Hope! I appreciate the perspective and the advice. I am working hard on the GAL and I do know progress has been made. Patience is hard for me, lol, but I know it's necessary.

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