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CL,

Am I missing something here?

" My W didn't wake-up until 2PM on Saturday. She started crying that we missed some dance instruction that she wanted to attend."

So WHY couldn't she get up and go to this? does she have an alarm clock? and why was her sleepig on 1/2 the day your fault?
If she had asked YOU to wake her up ... well maybe.. but still

Just trying to understand Buddy

Doc


And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
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Doc,
I'm not taking responsiblity for the miscommunication. Her decision to sleep in was hers. She thought that I was unreasonable and unpleasant to deal with, so chose not to pursue the issue any further. I did not know this was going on in her head, and was surprised to find this out on Saturday. I thought we had reached a compromise. If I had known her position on things, I would have thought about it and been in a position to compromise. If I continued to be an obstructionist about it, than I would have needed to take a look at that. I am disappointed that we didn't work this out to a mutual satisfaction.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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Originally Posted By: naej

I see no boundaries and unless you can set some and become an equal in this partnership and that would require a huge strength on your part and consistency, then I really see this being the pattern for life.

I would like to feel some passion from you,feel some love for your wife. It is that passion that will give you clear boundaries to work on and a goal to aim for and importantly a breaking point.


Naej,
I appreciate your concern and feel the passion in your posts.

I don't understand how you see no boundaries on my end. Maybe I don't convey when I'm doing something well. Maybe the boundary-setting I do is of a small nature and not conveyed in my posts. Maybe you and I have a different definition of what a boundary is. I consider speaking-up to be setting a boundary. I don't say yes to everything. In the past I probably said no too often.

I do feel the connection returning in my R with my W. I think I can say that I have a passion for making this M work. I enjoy seeing the positive changes in her. She is losing weight and getting tone from the consistent exercise. She went out and bought some stylish exercise clothes. She is looking sharp.

Even with the unemployment, she states that we have a quality of life. I consider that a success, that we've been able to manage the stressors associated with unemployment.

In some ways my rigidity in the past and setting too rigid of boundries created a problem. I was too controlling about certain things. Maybe the problem isn't a failure to set boundaries, but setting boundaries around certain issues--those that do harm to the M.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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CL, yes I guess we do have different definitions of boundaries and I do see that you may have not been the easiest of people to live with in the past, so I do see improvements on you being more able to go with the flow.
Your wife seems to have a very good and easy life,so she should be looking good and as that pleases you then thats another plus.Still not sure why she would need to sleep the day away when she does so little.
I wonder if her not working was a problem just how quickly the reconnection you have would fall apart.
Still as it all seems to be going in the direction you want,then that is all that matters.
I guess a big plus is the fact that her b/friend/lover? has moved away and she has nowhere to sleep elsewhere.
I think alot of this has been about saving you, releasing yourself from old habits and patterns that were very restrictive and prevented you from living the life that you felt would bring you greater happiness.
I really hope that you can achieve all of these things and have a happy marriage.
No one knows what that will be except you and that is all that matters.

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Originally Posted By: naej
CL, yes I guess we do have different definitions of boundaries and I do see that you may have not been the easiest of people to live with in the past, so I do see improvements on you being more able to go with the flow.

I think alot of this has been about saving you, releasing yourself from old habits and patterns that were very restrictive and prevented you from living the life that you felt would bring you greater happiness.


The Boundaries in Marriage book has helped me to see the importance of speaking-up about the truth as I see it in the M. I tend to underestimate my potential to influence the R, and am pleasantly surprised when my W responds to a verbal boundary.

My W has a difficult time with a standard 40 hour per week job. This is partly why I'm not pushing her to get back into the workforce. I want her to find something that fits her. In the past, she has been so stressed out from work, that she was no fun to live with.

The plan is to create enough positive connection to move us into intimacy. This will serve as prevention for future sleeping elsewhere problems.

I've changed so much, I don't recognize myself. I can't believe that I'll be performing in two months at a ballroom dance convention. My W and I are working on musicality in our lessons (body action consistent with the music). We have the foot timing down. This is where I need to grow as a dancer, and the resistance I need to work-thru.

I think part of what has kept me going in this M, is that I knew I had changes to make. I wanted to stick around and see how those changes would impact the M.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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Ok NOW I understand... YOU did not reilize that she wanted to go. SHE thought you did NOT want to go so she slept in but was still upset when she woke up about the whole thing....

Last edited by Dr LOve; 08/04/10 10:06 PM.

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My W sent me an email about the dog barking this morning. She likes to sleep in till late morning, and he disrupted her sleep. One day per week, the dog stays home from daycare to save on expenses. She reluctantly offered to watch him twice per week, but it would make life more difficult. In the spirit of boundary setting, I think I will ignore her email. I'm not sure what she wants me to do about it.

My W accompanied me to a dance lesson last night on the basic footwork in Tango. It was nice connecting with acquaintances in the dance community. We are starting to present to the community as a couple. She had a nice time socializing, and mentioned enjoying a new dance.

She has been putting a fair amount of time regularly into organizing and cleaning the house. She does most of it in the wee hours of the morning, not getting to sleep until very late.

She keeps tapping me on the shoulder about scheduling another trip. We have a weekend trip planned with the dance studio, a trip to Puerto Rico in September, and a trip to a dance convention with the studio in September. I've taken off 11 days from work (the most for me ever in one month). I'm reluctant to take off any more anytime soon. I think she's afraid that she won't be able to take another vacation for a long time, once she starts a new job.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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My W sent me an email about the dog barking this morning. She likes to sleep in till late morning, and he disrupted her sleep.
CL,

Does your dog have a dog bed? I know our dog it you are sleeping and put her dog bed in the room with you she too will sleep... unless she needs to go out to pee.
(Dog would rather sleep on the bed... but I did set Boundaries with her)
Maybe not totally ignore the E- Mail... doesn’t mean reply ….but when you get home… Maybe ask wife what she thinks the reason the dog was barking…and maybe come up with a solution together….


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checking in....nothing to add, though

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We did purchase a dog bed, which does help him to sleep better.

My W and I spent some time again at the pool. As soon as I came home from work, she was ready to go out and be active. I used the time to practice my Breast stroke, and to venture out into deep water (with a belt) to practice Treading water. Swimming is helping me to tone my upper body, as I don't enjoy lifting weights. I feel stronger after I've been in the water. I'm getting more comfortable being in water over my head. I'm not ready to try it without a belt. My next lesson is tomorrow.

It sounds like she has October as a target to begin actively job hunting. I won't push the issue for now. The bills are getting paid, even though there's less disposable income.

I sent her an email giving her ideas for daytrip weekend activity, as another trip seems stressful to me. I think we need to keep her busy. I told he I would willing to take a hiking trip, and bring the dog. I also told her to plan a barbeque and invite some people over. I invited her to tag along with my brother and I to a baseball game next week.

We have our dance performance in late September, so I don't think we should miss any practice sessions, by being on another trip. Our weekend dance trip is in two weeks. I think she can wait until then.

I keep attempting to write poetry as a way of dealing with the haunting memories I have about the past, and anything else that needs expression and clarity.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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