As requested I am starting a new post. A little background, the short version.
Jan '09 bomb dropped out of nowhere, no other man to deal with, DB'd my ass off. She started going to see a counselor and brought me in later and started to piece this thing back together
SUmmer of '09 was great and everything thing was smooth until about March of this year, when she started to go back into the same ole' miserable wife that she was back in early '09.
Money problems at the time seemed to trigger this bout, even though we live in an upper class neighborhood with club membership, but money did get tight and then as always, income went back up and we are OK now. But she still was miserable.
I called her out on being a little princess and she stated that she just does not care anymore. Found a notebook of hers that had every bad thing I have done since the first of the year, and now I use it to see how I am doing without her knowledge.
Since then, there has been little affection, sex has dropped off to about once every week or two, and when we do have it, it is pretty emotionless on her part.
Decided to go on a 6 month trial (in week number 7) of being the best husband I could be to her. The results have been generally good, and we are in a good relationship now as far as friends go, but still know commitment to meet my needs in this marriage.
Now update time.
As said things are going pretty good, even getting a few loving touches that have not been there in a while.
Having trouble today, decided to write a note for her and told her what a great mother she was and a great wife she is, and she has not even mentioned it to me.
I wanted to do this for her to tell her what I thought about her and that should be enough, but am troubled that she does not have the decency to at least say thanks for the note.
I will not call her out on this as that would not represent why I gave it to her, but I am just a bit hurt (manly huh) that she said nothing.
Hope everyone is doing well, thought I would take a break from here for a while, but see I need you all now and again to bounce stuff off. By the way, I have remained clear of any tirades with her journal, even though there is nothing in there about the good things I do either...
Burt, It sounds like you are taking the high road, and being the leader in your M. We must love our spouses, no matter what, all the way to a better M or D. Who knows what's going on with her?
Did the princess comment have any influence on her? I don't agree with you reading her notebooks and journals. She deserves privacy. This secret could come back to bite you.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
As far as the journal it is just in a notebook that I found that is in a file cabinet. I am using the information in that to make me better for her. I learned a great deal on how she was feeling in it, this was necessary to change my approach as she never discusses her feeling with me until it is much too late.
I know that it might bite me, but it is just a journal, and there are no deep feeling from her in there unless she is journaling on how much of a jerk I had been to her, many times without me knowing I was. Other than that it is mostly a list of activities she did during the day.
I appreciate your concern, but in my mind, the ends justify the means, which is a great relationship going forward into the future.
Hiya, Burt! I was wondering how you were doing, and actually went to "bump" your thread yesterday, when I saw that it'd been locked.
Yeah, I know what you mean about the note. I am SO MUCH LIKE YOU -- like to be the "pleaser"/"rescuer" type, and used to send lots of those little encouraging things to my wife. I still do -- verbally -- sometimes, but probably 75% less than I used to. You can say the whole "You shouldn't do it because you expect a response; you say it because you feel it's the right thing to do!" thing ALL YOU WANT, but let's face it, when you don't get your needs for validation (or other needs) met in return, you finally give up. Basic stimulus-and-response theory ... right?
Is it not basic common courtesy? I can't imagine a girlfriend of hers giving her a note like that and her not saying at least thank you for the note...
It may be a needs not being met thing, but it is also, me loosing respect for her thing as well...
But, will let it go as my 6 month experiment continues...
I believe it is, yes. But then again, that belief has never really gotten me anywhere.
In time, I believe we teach people how to treat us. Your wife is who she is, Burt, as is mine (SSM, entitlement problems). We're not going to change them at this point; all we can do is enforce some basic boundaries.
It also could be her test to see if I was doing it for the right reasons or not, last night she was ultra-nice to me, even flirtatious in bed as we were drifting off...
I have to officiate my first scrimmage tonight as a head referee, this is my 8th year, but first to be head of a crew (high school), be good to hear some pads popping and get this out of my head a little.
awww, cool gig!!! I'd love to baseball ump again. I did it as a kid, and volunteer sometimes to be the "dad umping the bases guy" at youth games, but I'd love to get more involved with it. There's NOTHING like tossing some jackass parent!!! ha
Ok, I know I said I was leaving the boards, but hey, just had a few extra minutes at work and thought I'd take a look at a few of threads.
Burt, I have an idea of what might be going on with your W. Could be wrong, but here's a thought.
A year ago your W was convinced she wanted to D. You made changes and she started to notice. But she still isn't convinced those changes are for real. So she keeps track of all the things you do that tick her off so she can keep score. But there are times when she forgets that and you have good days, maybe even good weeks, but then she back tracks.
Been there, done that. What I discovered with my W, and I think it probably applies to a lot of WAW's is, they're going to test you for a LONG time before they believe the changes are for real. Her not responding to the note? Just another way for her to see if you're going to be a dik about it.
DON'T react to her not thanking you. I know what Pup is saying about expecting some kind of response, but she's not responding because that's EXACTLY what she knows you're expecting her to do.
And trust me, these little things add up. When I was in the middle of our mess, I was talking to S Harley. He told me that my W's mind was so made up that OM was going to make her happy forever that once the A was over, it would take a long time and a lot of consistent actions for her to begin to believe we had a chance. Same with your W. It's going to take a long time. And SH gave me an analogy. If you came to a river and the water was too deep to cross, but you had to cross, what would you do? You'd start throwing stones into the river to build a bridge. Depending on how deep the river is, it could take a HUGE number of stones to pile up just to break the surface. But that surface wouldn't be broken the whole way across. At first you'd see little breaks here and there. Keep throwing rocks in the river in just the right place and you'll eventually see them peaking through in multiple places. With enough patience, you'll eventually have enough rocks in place to walk across.
That's where your W seems to be to me. You're seeing rocks peek out of the water in some places, but you still can't cross the river. Keep at it, and eventually, you'll have that bridge.
Just my .02.
H4U.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
